“The pain, Thweet Jethuth the pain,” yelled Cloris Zucker as the dentist poked around in her mouth trying to find the source of her discomfort. He started out innocently enough, beginning on the left side and working his way over to the right.

“This one?” asked the dentist?

“Noph,” replied Cloris.

“This’n?” He asked as he hit the next tooth with his little silver hammer.

“Noph,” she said. “Nob fat one.” Read the full story

It started out as a normal night for amateur astronomer Rick Saty last Wednesday evening. After setting up his 14-inch reflector telescope in his backyard and collimating it (a process in which the lenses are adjusted to bring them all into perfect alignment), he turned his telescope at a variety of objects in the night sky. Like he always does, the first thing Saty checked out was the Orion Nebula and then the Andromeda Galaxy, “They’re so inspiring.” Read the full story

Word has it that old Beelzebub is furious these days over being blamed for everything from pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s hoohah to Anthony Weiner’s bulging BVD’s. He claims that he’s tired of being a catchall for mankind’s failure to control their sexual desires.

“Why is it when I open the paper and read yet another story about a well-liked politician who’s been caught with his hand in his drawers, there is always a reference to some kind of evil making them do it?” says Satan. Read the full story

Bending to demand from potential organ donors, the World Organ Donor Bank, which issues organ donor cards, has printed a box on their cards that allows donors to opt-out when it comes to donating a heart to Vice-President and war profiteer, Dick Cheney. It reads: Could you ever be dead enough to allow Dick Cheney to get your heart? Check YES or NO. Read the full story

Authorities at Corcoran State Prison in Corcoran, California recently found a cell phone under inmate Charles Manson’s pillow. When confronted, Manson claimed that he didn’t even know what the hell the thing was and said someone must have planted it there. “Hey, man,” I’m a child from the 60’s, man. What the hell would I know about some piece of shit from the 90’s or whatever the hell decade we’re in, man?” shouted Manson as he grabbed a gnat from the air and ate it. Read the full story

HOLLISTER, California (GLossyNews) — Satan is said to be madder than hell at his minions this week after he learned that more than one, and possibly as many as eight Anti-Christs have been unleashed upon the Earth during the past century.

Harry Scarem, a demonologist from California was able to ascertain this after a particularly grueling satanic ritual over the weekend wherein Satan personally appeared for a few moments to explain the error. Said Satan, “I would have sent one of my minions, but they are all idiots.” Read the full story

Sao Paulo, Brasil (GlossyNewsSA)

Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

Patrons at “Betty’s Eat-n-Greet” in Bon Temps, Louisiana voiced mixed reactions today on learning controversial religious leader Fred Phelps is at it again in their neighborhood.

Said shrimp fisherman and free lance alligator poacher John Rambo, “It’s a free country or it used to be. If they don’t like deviled eggs, don’t eat ‘em. I came back from Nam, people spit on me, called me baby killer.”

At least that’s what it sounded like the Medal of Honor winner was saying; he mumbles a lot. Local barmaid Sookie Stackhouse was more articulate when she said, “Phelps? I bet that guy’s banged too many relatives to list. It’s good he’s going after deviled eggs now. Read the full story

OSHKOSH, WI (GlossyNews) — A local 18-year-old, Mark Edwards, was ejected from the Life Fest Christian Rock Festival this past weekend for displaying a rude gesture during one of the band’s performances.

“I was watching Crossroads, and man, they we’re tearing it up!” Edwards told the press. “I was so into it, and before I knew it, I made the devil horns sign with my hand.” Read the full story

ALBUQUERQUE, NM (GlossyNews) — God Almighty, sole owner and creator of the earth, has categorically denied a joint bid by Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mukesh Ambani, Lakshmi Mittal and other billionaire club members to buy the planet. Read the full story

THE HEAVENS – In a rare public announcement, God Himself admitted today that Pat Robertson, who by all rights should have choked to death long ago on his own venomous rhetoric, continues to exist at His whim as an object lesson intended to teach humans not to tolerate bigoted, ranting nutjobs.

Robertson’s most recent tirade attributing a devastating 7.0 earthquake to a pact made between Satan and the entire island nation of Haiti seems to have precipitated the enlightening declaration made by the Almighty. Read the full story

Speaking ex cathedra from the Vatican today, Pope Benedict XVI, in response to the many rumors that God (aka The Almighty, Yahweh, Allah, Bhagwan, etc.) is dead, attempted to clarify the Global situation and put the rumors to rest once and for all.

In an interview with Fr. Guido Sarducci, editor of The Vatican Enquirer, Pope Benny revealed that he had had a long conversation with The Almighty regarding his apparent lack of interest in matters earthly. Read the full story

A lawsuit filed by the devil in a Virginia district court claims that Pat Robertson is the party with an actual contractual relationship with Satan.

Virginia Beach – The devil filed a lawsuit in the Virginia Beach district court on Thursday suing Pat Robertson for breach of contract. “Pat Robertson has broken the terms of our agreement with him” said Arthur B. Ellzebub, an attorney for satan, “His public comments regarding various pacts we may or may not be involved in is in clear violation of the non-disclosure agreement we signed with him 36 years ago.” Read the full story

In a surprise move Sunday, Satan, the Prince of Darkness, announced his retirement citing that after thousands of years of initiating pestilence, wars, catastrophes and general mayhem, he was ready for a break.

“The job wears you down.” the Great Evil One said in a rare interview yesterday. “The fun goes out of it after a while. It is time to turn it over to some one new to run.” Read the full story

God Almighty in close association with Satan has created a special hell for CEO’s and other business leaders who have helped to create the present worldwide financial meltdown (it seems Satan himself couldn’t stomach the gall of these money-engorged maggots and willingly agreed to work in conjunction with his nemesis). In one of the most colossal constructions since the six days it took to make the universe, the two, working under the corporate title ‘Raising Hell’ created the following new sectors, much on the order of a really unpleasant theme park: Read the full story

A record number of Christians have been flooding their local Wal-Mart stores and asking for replacements for the gift cards they received for Christmas due to the fact that they claim the mark of the beast “666” has been encoded within the card.

Although the card numbers themselves do not contain the number 666, customers have complained that when they go to Wal-Mart intending to use the cards to purchase items, their purchases almost always total out to either $6.66, $66.66 or for larger purchases $666 and change. Read the full story