Sarasota, Fla (GlossyNews) — Markets around the world were rocked today with news of the imminent foreclosure on Hell by a consortium of major international banks. The announcement came only after months of failed negotiations between Satan and the Associated Minions of the Nether Regions to reach an agreement with creditors on the restructuring of Hell’s dept.
“Isn’t that a kick in the teeth,” said Beelzebub, official spokes-demon for the Associated Minions of the Nether Regions. “After all we’ve done for the banks all these years, they turn around and do this to us. Don’t these people have any sense of decency?”
Beelzebub explained that Hell began running behind in its dept obligations after a substantial investment in the expansion of Hell’s “Hopeless Regret Wing,” made in expectation of the passing of the Baby Boomer generation and death of Dick Cheney.
“How many heart attacks can one guy have and still live,” despaired Beelzebub. “I mean, damn! What he up to? Twenty?”
Officials for the foreclosing banks expressed regret at the insolvency of Hell, but held out cautious optimism about the repurposing and outsourcing of its substantial resources. “Satan and Hell have been major partners with us for generations. In many ways you could even say they were the prototype of all modern lending practices. But, times change, and the investment community must show the flexibility to adapt to the new marketplace,” said the official.
“While this may be the end of the traditional business model pioneered by Satan, it is by no means the end of Hell,” assured the official. “Under current law, banks lose substantial resources every day due to the death of delinquent account holders. It is a well known dirty secret that many high risk borrowers see death as kind of a ‘Get of of Debt Free Card.’ Well, no longer, as we plan to immediately resurrect the time honored traditional lending practice of debtors’ prison. Now, delinquent borrowers can look forward to fulfilling their debt obligations either in life, or eons of fiery torment.”
The official declined to comment on rumors that the banks are currently in talks with the IRS to outsource several hundred demons to augment the Federal Agencies ability to police heath insurance compliance under the new Healthcare Reform Act. “Those negotiations are still in their preliminary phases,” confided the official.
In an prepared statement from his winter residence at Scientology World Headquarters in Sarasota, Satan expressed it was business as normal for the Prince of Darkness, “LO AND BEHOLD ME. ABANDON ALL YE HOPE AND DESPAIR AT THE ARRIVAL OF THINE LORD. STARE INTO MINE EYES AND FORESEE THE DESOLATION OF THINE SOUL.”
Despite Satan’s optimistic statement, Scientology insiders say the Dark Lord is “very upset at losing Hell,” and causing “significant disruptions” at the hub of the controversial church.
“He just showed up and started acting like he owned the place,” said one insider who wished to remain anonymous in fear of reprisals. “I offered to give him an e-meter reading, and the next thing you know, the meter is shoved up my anus and I can’t get it out! All Satan would say is he’d remove it ‘after the space aliens show up.’”
Others objected to Satan’s bringing Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard’s, soul in is carry on luggage, and fashioning the soul into a makeshift codpiece. “I mean, come on! We really think highly of that guy,” said a disgruntled administrator. “Just wearing it is bad enough, but he walks around all day saying, ‘Give L. Ron a kiss.’ I mean, it’s just rude.”
The administration did admit, however, that is was “kind of funny,” the way Hubbard’s soul squealed every time Satan used the bathroom.