Tag Archive | "rhetoric"

Politicians, Pundits and Pursuers of Poontang


I wanted to learn a second language. There are approximately 6,900 of them out there to choose from and I couldn’t decide which one to spend my time on.

I ruled out Chamicuro right away because only 8 people in the world spoke that language. I saw a picture of them, all toothless and horribly wrinkled, gathered together in the center of their village in Peru. I figured by the time I learned to speak Chamicuro they would all be dead.

I also drew a line through Dumi Bo’o, Liki, Njerep and Kaixana for pretty much the same reason. I talk to myself enough as it is.

It only made sense to choose a language spoken by the most people. French, German and Mandarin seem to be the big hitters. With Russian, Spanish and Japanese close behind.

Esperanto is supposed to be an international language, the one spoken by the most people around the globe. I don’t know anyone who speaks Esperanto so I didn’t bother with that one either.

It soon occurred to me there was another international language. One that everyone spoke but few understood. As odd as that sounds, it was true. People were always hearing it spoken but not really understanding it. And when they spoke it to someone else their real meaning was lost to the listener.

I wasn’t sure how something could be so prevalent and yet so completely misunderstood. It was here I found my language of choice and set out determined to become fluent in Bullshit.

It was the obvious choice because Bullshit is the preferred language of politicians, pundits and pursuers of poontang. I happily include myself in the latter category but my sense of honor prohibits me from taking undue advantage of anyone. So, I vowed to use my new found literacy in Bullshit for intellectual pursuits only and not try to talk some unsuspecting young woman into doing things she never knew she wanted to do.

It became evident at once that Bullshit was the sole form of communication used by the news media. That would be my focus of study. I worked hard at it and once I gained proficiency in this mother tongue I was astounded at what I was finally able to understand. It was very disheartening.

I will share some of what I learned but I feel you need to learn for yourself. As I did, start with the news media and after a bit I’m sure you will begin to recognize all the different dialects of Bullshit. I have listed a few of them below to help get you started.

Mostly Bullshit

This one was difficult to pick up at first because there are specks of truth here and there. But it is only used to camouflage the real Bullshit.

Mostly Bullshit is both misleading and convincing at the same time. It assumes if they feed one slice of the pie you’ll happily pounce on what’s left. Be careful here. It takes a practiced eye to spot and understand it.

Biased Bullshit

This one will acknowledge no other point of view. It takes shameful advantage by telling you what you want to hear. It is utterly devoid of any perspective. It convinces you that what they tell you is good and anything anyone else tells you is bad.

You need to take great care with this one because it can overwhelm your sensibility and leave you believing what you are being told is the absolute truth.

Straight Faced Bullshit

This is a much used dialect and can be seen either in a panel format or a single individual staring you right in the eye. In the panel format a group of people will speak Straight Faced Bullshit between themselves while you watch and listen. They sometimes become quite animated while insisting what they are saying has any basis in reality whatsoever.

You are outnumbered here so be careful.

When Straight Faced Bullshit is used by a single person they may sometimes employ tools to try and convince you what they are saying is not Bullshit. One of these tools is statistics. At times revealed in charts and graphs held up for your inspection. It can be quite convincing but is actually of no value whatsoever.

The best defense is to dismiss it altogether because there is no way to confirm its accuracy. Which is exactly why they use them. You always need to keep in mind that all users of Straight Faced Bullshit are very well paid. And the more people they can get to listen to them the more money they make. That should always be a red flag.

Total Bullshit

Believe it or not, Total Bullshit can be harder to identify. I have heard it referred to as Blatant Bullshit or Complete Bullshit. They are all pretty much the same thing. There are three ways that I found to detect Total Bullshit. Once you become fluent in Bullshit I am sure you will find many of your own.

The first is when something is attributed to an undisclosed source or a high ranking government official who wishes to remain anonymous. What follows after that is highly likely to be Total Bullshit.

The second is the use of “experts.” Their function is to interpret someone else’s Total Bullshit then add a heap of their own and blend them together in an indistinguishable mess. You have to pay particular attention to this one because somehow they make it all appear plausible. When you become fluent in bullshit you will readily see it makes no sense at all.

The third is closely related to the second one mentioned above. This is of the educated, erudite and urbane variety. These presenters of Total Bullshit try to make you feel as they presume themselves to be. Smart. They rely on convincing you that if you don’t understand what they’re saying it has to be true. Think of them as nothing more than self-important, perfumed dandies.

With Bullshit now under my belt I was able to gain a true perspective on what was really going on. If you are tired of getting suckered then I encourage you to learn how to speak and understand Bullshit as soon as possible.

***

(Contributor’s note: I first heard the expression, “fluent in bullshit”, from Gary Shandling. He may or may not have originated the term; but either way, it’s poor manners to use someone else’s work without proper acknowledgement. Rest In Peace, Gary).

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30 Good Excuses for Tony Blair After Chilcot


1. It was all John Major’s fault.

2. It was all Saddam Hussein’s fault.

3. Divine intervention (more or less the right kind). Read the full story

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Do We Know How to Spot the Dictator’s Pronoun? (Just No Idea, Have We!)


The glorious Fuhrer has brought each one of US peace and stability…

Comrade Lenin inspires US all to move forward to win our freedom, under the banner of proletarian scientific socialist Marxist-Leninist thought.

But the evil Arab Muslim tyrant Assad is killing his own people, WE can’t just sit there!!!

Look, WE made a few mistakes in our foreign policy but well hey, what can I say! Shit happens, gotta go with the flow, right?

Read the full story

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The Vast ‘Neoliberal’ Conspiracy… Is the Current Debate Too Limited?


Is it it possible to confirm or deny being a #neoliberal, if the term is infinitely elastic?

Was Stalin a #stateneoliberal, just like he was a #statecapitalist?

Will the end of #capitalism be the end of #neoliberalism, or is the end of #neoliberalism the end of #capitalism?

If Pol Pot was a #fakesocialist, and hence a #fakeanticapitalist, was he also a #fakeantineoliberal?

If #capitalism invented nationalism and militarism, did #neoliberalism also invent nationalism and militarism?

If so, how did the world manage to fall from its Edenic glory and pristine state into #thevastneoliberalconspiracy?

Read the full story

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BBC Try to Stop Offending Islamic State… & All the Other Ones Too! (2/2)


Here is more pitiful bien-pensant claptrap from the BBC, following their recent flamboyantly privileged nitpicking over the term ‘Islamic State.’

The ‘Republicains’ of Sarkozy are now the ‘soi-disant Republicans,’ because some members of other parties believe that they are the true inheritors of ‘la Republique.’

BBC journalists must never speak of the Lega Nord, because the Lega Nord cannot speak for all northern Italians. Anyway, where does the North end and the South begin?

The Republican party cannot be called the GOP, because the Democrats are also fairly ‘Great’ and ‘Old.’ And you can also probably guess why some Republicans have convinced the BBC to speak of the ‘so-called Democrats.’ Read the full story

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BBC Try to Stop Offending Islamic State… & All the Other Ones Too! (1/2)


The BBC, inspired and encouraged by their recent decision to rename Daesh ‘The So-called Islamic State’ (Sinister-Teutonic-Capitals ahoy!) have invented some new equally patronizing euphemisms in order to talk down to non-Muslims too.

For a start, they are referring to the ‘So-Called Worker’s Party of North Korea,’ in order to prove they have nothing against actual workers in North Korea who don’t like the Pyongyang dictatorship.

And their preconceptions regarding Taiwanese nationalists have also driven them to speak of the ‘So-called Chinese Communist Party.’ Read the full story

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Who Committed Mass Atrocities in the Balkans? (2/2)


Last time:

Q: Who gets to decide what is a ‘Genocide’ or a ‘Crime Against Humanity,’ and what is merely a series of purportedly less serious war crimes or atrocities?

A: Whoever has the power to do so.

It’s as simple as that. No need to overthink it.

Yes: the official narrative on the very complex Balkans conflict is no more morally reputable than the ravings of David Irving who (as is well enough known) tried to challenge the well-established facts on the vile mass atrocities committed by the Nazis. Read the full story

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Who Committed Mass Atrocities in the Balkans? (1/2)


Quick question:

Who was it that committed mass atrocities in the Balkans? Read the full story

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GOP/Dems: Post-Orwellian Dictionary of Humanitarian Imperialism (1/2)


Over here in Euroweenie land, they say about the Hitler-Stalin pact: “Les extrêmes se touchent.”

…Or in Universal Anglo-Esperanto, to wit, the King James of Jesus, Rush Limbaugh, John Kerry and other notable figures (-ish): “Opposites meet.”

So it’s only fair that I let Julian™ give me this sexy little number…

A leak of the new secret GOP/Dem handbook for capturing the narrative on their joint-venture humanitarian imperialist missions… Read the full story

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Obama Claims Racial Progress Made After Finishing Boehner’s Shoes


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William Hague: Humanitarian Liquidation for Illegitimate GQ Editorial Regime


William Hague may no longer be (Anti)Foreign(er) Minister and Vice-Viceroy of the British Humanitarian Empire™…

Nor indeed, a key business strategist for IntCom Imperialist Enterprises™…

Still, he has maintained his healthy, thoroughly admirable, and perfectly laudable interest of all…

To wit, defending those who are oppressed™ and speaking up for those who don’t have a voice™…

As well as, needless to say, clarifying the vexed question of the objective interests of certain “benighted Third World savages…”

They who, if they DO have a voice, should just shut-the-f***-up and take the enema. Read the full story

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Entire International Community Fits/Meets Inside Tiny Beltway Café


Recently, the entire International Community™ met together in a miniscule Beltway Café in Washington.

Obviously, this vast group agreed unanimously and without exception concerning all the Matters of Grave Common Concern™ that are of importance to Our Common Humanity..™

And, needless to say, they conclusively resolved all of the pressing issues that are of crucial importance to sustaining our current and eternal Flourishing, Democratic Global Order of Mutual Prosperity™.

Still, the café owner was initially wary of this most inestimable privilege Read the full story

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Tribal Antics of Canadian Question Period Melt Face off of Skull, Study Shows


Dateline: OTTAWA—A study headed by Dr. Lawrence Dipplerdoo, medical researcher at McGill University, indicates that excessive exposure to Question Period at the Canadian House of Commons can be fatal. In an interview, Dr. Dipplerdoo said that if you watch all 45 minutes of a Question Period, from beginning to end, there’s a statistically significant chance that your face will melt off of your skull and land in your lap. Read the full story

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