Tag Archive | "republicans"

Sequestration Castration


The dreaded Sequestration is upon us. Which is much like the feared Fiscal Cliff. Which is similar to the 2012 Mayan Apocalypse. Which is related to Y2K.

Which is similar to the Bush II administration… wait a minute! That was a real disaster that actually happened! Brrrrrrr… and scary too!

Both sides are giving us horror stories that are like the really cheap ghost story books that you find in dollar stores. They are also about as flimsy and thin as those inexpensive Halloween masks that your mother bought you as kids that collect a teaspoons worth of spittle every time you breathe out.

Of course, the cuts don’t hurt the big boys, they hurt the little people like us.

Until now.

Unbeknownst to the Senators, Legislators and other members of the ruling elite, there is a whole section of clauses hidden in the obscure and thick wording of the Sequestration that cuts their pay to half, eliminates their insurance, cancels their Secret Service protection, wipes out their perks and states that they have to clean their own dishes.

Government officials, notorious for not thoroughly reading bills brought to their desk are in for a rude awakening once the Sequestration gets going full swing.

Already a couple of lower echelon staff have discovered the oversight and are frantically trying to reach their bosses with the news before the Sequestration gets too entrenched. This is hampered by the fact that it is difficult to get through to the exclusive golf clubs and upscale foreign bordellos where they are holed up. The staff themselves have a great interest in reaching them because they will be the first to feel the budget ax.

Word has quickly spread throughout the underground Internet where people such as you and I are eager to watch as they realize their mistake and start running around like weasels with their heads cut off. Much like we have to do at the low paying crap jobs which are available to the working class in our modern America at the moment.

– – – –

FLASH NEWS UPDATE! – Both Congress and the Senate have met in an emergency session starting at 3 AM eastern time to resolve the Sequestration crisis. Senators and Legislators have been catching red-eye flights to make sure they get new proposals passed before their perks start disappearing.

Politicos across the Washington spectrum started panicking when their Congressional credit cards started voiding their purchases all around the globe. Angry calls from spouses on shopping sprees suddenly flooded cell phones throughout Washington.

YET ANOTHER FLASH NEWS UPDATE!- Washington in an amazing feat of speed and focus passed a set of bills in a record 55 minutes at 3:55 eastern time this morning. This now sets the Guinness book of world records for the shortest amount of time for Congress to get anything through its doors. Congressmen were seen wiping their foreheads in relief as they left.

Unfortunately, they only passed bills related to their benefits and pay. The rest of the countries citizens will have to wait until they reconvene on Monday.

If not longer.

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Boehner and Obama Vow to Fall Off Fiscal Cliff Together


As fiscal cliff negotiations stalled, Republican House Speaker John Boehner and Democratic President Barack Obama romantically declared that they would tumble over the fiscal cliff together “arm in arm”.

“I truly love that man”, Boehner said in reference to Obama. “I would gladly sacrifice myself and my political future for him”.

Obama was equally smitten with the Ohio congressman. “John and I have been through some tough times. But our love for each other has sustained us until now” Obama said as he glanced at a vase full of red roses provided by his former rival.

The two politicians seemed to constantly be at odds with each other and their romantic relationship caught many by surprise.

“I always thought Boehner was just some douche bag republican”, said New York sanitation worker Peter Gibbs. “Now I find out he’s got a soft, romantic heart!”

“I looked at Obama as being a real jerk”, said Mississippi stockbroker Jules Crabtree. “Now I think he’s a decent human being”.

Both Boehner and Obama said the fiscal cliff is not about the American people anymore but about two people’s undying love for each other.

“After we both go off the fiscal cliff America will be much better off”, a teary eyed Obama stated.

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Open Letter to House Republicans; It’s Time to Compromise


Listen guys, you still govern us, so I’m counting on you. No, We The American People are counting on you. We need real reform, and your party is in the position of power that can make that happen, so we beg you to help us, the little guys, instead of your faceless, often nameless, non-human financial sponsors.

Right: Republican Leaders showing a standard lobbyist-hosted lunch bill. (CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE)

I know when Obama was first elected your sole goal was to make him a one-term president and we can all see how well that worked out. So please don’t send the economy onto the frothy rocks just to make a political point. Obama is a judo master and he’ll turn it against you… but if you help America, you can get re-elected, or at least stop hiding when you go home to your districts. Read the full story

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Republicans Wish Democrats Would Stop Smiling


WASHINGTON – With the 2012 U.S. election now nearly a week old, Republican politicians are beginning to wonder how long it will take for their Democratic rivals to wipe the shit-eating grins off their faces and return to normal.

“It was understandable the first day or two after the election,” said Rep. Joe Barton (R-Tex.), “but now it’s starting to get kind of annoying.”

“Right, okay. We get it already. You’re happy,” noted Rep. Walter Jones (R-N.C.). “Now get over it, and let our Republican Congressional majority start making you miserable again.” Read the full story

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Republicans Find God, Win Epic Game of Hide & Seek


Senator Chris Coons’ office has sent out a short brief detailing how the Congressman has finally found God, and put an end to a millennia-long game of hide and seek.

Asked to comment about his Earth-shaking discovery, Senator Coons had this to say:

“He was in the living room. Jesus Christ! He was in the living room! How could I have missed Him for so long?” Read the full story

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Yes Virginia, We’ll Protect Your Vagina


Planned Parenthood today issued a public announcement that they were no longer taking the continued attacks on their services lying down.

In a coordinated effort with several law groups, a new service being offered is to legally incorporate your uterus.

A well thought out plan that will effectively take the female reproductive organs from a personally owned depository for fetuses into a level on par with major corporations. Once the filing has been completed the female will then no longer need to fight against right wing interests for control over what her choices are. Read the full story

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Romney to Sway Female Voters by Showing Compassion, Penis


Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today unveiled his new plan to persuade female voters to back his bid for the White House by showing them two things that have thus far remained firmly hidden: his compassionate, caring side and his vintage 1947 sexual organ.

He is hoping this strategy will win over voters who have so far been put off by policies that have been deemed as cold and uncaring, as well as those that will “get their kicks” from seeing photographic evidence of Romney’s “schlong”. Read the full story

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Mitch McConnell’s Public Jobs Program Puts on Happy Face


In a stunning about face on public sector financed job programs, the minority leader of the senate, Republican Mitch McConnell, offered a new program that he believes can be started following the eviction of the Obama family in January 2013.

The program is designed to put more private sector contractors to work within the Washington, DC area and to also help local small retailers prosper. Because he will list this program as an “emergency measure”, equal opportunity rules can also be suspended allowing RNC donors their first chance at a federal project. Read the full story

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Top-12 Reasons Mitt Romney Will Win the Election


With the election heating up and the polls wiggling more and more every day (in favor of Barack Obama), we have to look ever more closely at the race.

The good news is that, at least according to a couple polls, the race is tied, and Mitt Romney could easily pull it out and win this thing. The better news is that, according to all the real polls, Obama is crushing it. Read the full story

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President Romney’s Inaugural Address


“I think my biggest concern obviously would just be for his mental well-being.”

– Ann Romney on her concerns about her husband becoming President of the U.S.

My fellow Americans.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hee, hee, hee, ha, ha, heh, heh.

Wait. Give me a minute. I can’t breathe.

Whew. Okay. Read the full story

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Launch of a Campaign to Mildly Harass Congress


So, a little while ago, I wrote this little ditty about how Congress’ approval rating had fallen below 0%.

It was born mostly out of frustration with our political leaders’ absolute inability to do anything other than name post offices.

This was combined, of course, with a moderate sense of boredom because there did not appear to be anything to watch on TV at the time.

The story did pretty well. It was published by GlossyNews, as well as a bunch of different venues, got three and a half thousand individual hits (thanks to Brian’s awesome dissemination skills), and hopefully raised a few chuckles. Read the full story

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Republicans to Change Symbol from Elephant to Jesus Holding a Shotgun


Washington D.C. – In what many are calling a sign of the Republican Party’s desperation, Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus today announced that the long standing symbol of the Republican Party, the elephant, is being replaced by an image of Jesus with a shotgun.

Priebus said that Republicans were more able to relate to an armed Jesus than an elephant. “We did a lot of polls and stuff,” said Priebus. Read the full story

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Akin At It Again In ‘Legitimate Funding’ Row


Although the recent row about the ‘legitimate rape’ claims made by Todd Akin were embarrassing, Mitt Romney was forced to push Akin out of the race for Senate this morning after his comments on ‘legitimate funding.’

At a rally in Missouri, Akin gave a speech about the perils of funding a political campaign.

This year’s presidential election will cost a reported $2.5 billion and Akin felt that after expressing his honest and frank feelings pregnancy, rape, and abortion, it was only right to carry on with his honest and open ways. Read the full story

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New Karl Rove Infomercial: “Weaseling Your Way To Success”


Greetings fellow Americans – Are you one of the downtrodden ones who have never had a lucky break?

I was one too, but I am going to pass on to you how you can break out of the bad luck cycle with my new book “Weaseling Your Way To Success!”

As a child I was unattractive, unpopular and as dorky as Popeye going through spinach withdrawals. But I powered through all that to the very top echelons of our society. Read the full story

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Is GlossyNews Editor Brian K. White Secretely a Moderate?


An ultra-conservative friend of mine recently wrote to me saying that he’s read my stories, but secretly suspects that I might not be as left-leaning as I come across in some of those articles. To him, I said “you’re probably right,” and wrote this open letter in response.

And for those of you scoring along at home, I’ve included copious amounts of links and citations. Feel free to check my work.

Is Editor Brian K. White Secretely a Moderate?

Read the full story

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U.S. Senate Bursts into Spontaneous Verse


The Senate unexpectedly and unintentionally bursts into verse this morning as the legislators were conducting their routine opening procedures. The following is the official Congressional transcript of this incident.

CONGRESSIONAL RECORD

PROCEEDINGS AND DEBATES OF THE 112TH CONGRESS, SECOND SESSION

WASHINGTON, TUESDAY, JUNE 24 2012

SENATE

MORNING BUSINESS

The Senate met at 10 a.m. and was called to order by THE PRESIDENT PRO TEMPORE. Read the full story

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