Tag Archive | "education"

It Turns Out That Everything Is Obama’s Fault


It seems as if Barack Obama is getting blamed for everything. The Republicans are blaming him for every foreign hotspot including Iraq, Ukraine and Israel.

Every domestic problem also seems to be the President’s doing, so much so that the Republicans led by Speaker of the House John Boehner even launched a lawsuit against him.

At first, I thought all this was overkill. After all, how can one man be responsible for so many things going wrong? But then it occurred to me: the Republicans are on to something good here. It’s kind of like the dog-ate-my-homework all-purpose excuse – Obama did it. Read the full story

Posted in Education, PoliticsComments (5)

Tea Party Representatives to Support Work and Education Centers for Poor


The debate over entitlement, drug testing of children who receive food stamps and student loans took surprising turn on the House floor.

Representative Ted Cruz (R-TX) said, “We were debating the issue of drug testing when somebody said, ‘What would it take to round them up and make them work?’ We had a good chuckle, but someone else said, “No really. Read the full story

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Obama to cut education funding in “polarizing” move


In a highly polarizing move, President Obama announced he is using his executive powers to cut federal education funding by 50% in order to install polarized windows in the White House.

When reached for comment, President Obama said:

“In order to better serve our country, I need to have a clearer view of our future.”

Read the full story

Posted in News In Your Briefs, PoliticsComments (0)

School District Hires Adult Film Stars to Teach Sex Ed Classes


(Corry, PA) – In what will be known as one of the most progressive decisions in academic history, the members of the Corry Area School District of Erie County Pennsylvania have voted to allow adult film stars, Raven Gavina and Brock Lancer, to join their faculty and teach their sex education classes. Read the full story

Posted in EducationComments (0)

Sarah Palin Receives PhD in General Studies


Conservatives around the nation are rejoicing at news that former Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska has be awarded a Doctorate of Philosophy in General Studies by Pensacola Christian College.

According to sources close to the governor, Palin began working on the program online soon after losing the 2008 presidential election alongside John McCain.

Due to her conservative credentials, Palin had about thirty percent of the 72 units required for the doctorate waved, giving her a head start in the program. Read the full story

Posted in EducationComments (1)

Progress in Education Reform: The We Don’t Care about Our Children Act


With the pending education fiscal cuts, the White House and Congress have cooperated in creating a proactive initiative that is not only financially feasible, but will ensure quality education.

Working with other members of the Committee on Education and the Workforce, Representative Michael Paulson has drafted the We Don’t Care about Our Children Act (WDCAOCA).

The bill has been lauded by the White House and the Department of Education as “practical” and “the biggest reform in the history of the public education system.” Read the full story

Posted in Education, PoliticsComments (1)

New Course Offerings for the Idiot Generation


HIS1995 – Life Before the Internet

This history course covers the dark period of mankind’s existence during the late 20th century, prior to the development of the World Wide Web. Students will learn about the primitive techniques utilized by early man for his daily survival and entertainment – including such legendary “lost arts” as standing, walking, communicating face-to-face with others, reading paper-based media, writing by hand, and watching video programming only at times and intervals dictated by broadcast television authorities.

Prerequisite: HIS1979 – Life Before Cell Phones

LIT1284 – English Literature Twitter Feed

This course introduces students to the some of the greatest works of English literature through a series of easily digestible tweets of 140 characters or less. Texts are enriched with emoticons to ease comprehension: “It was the best of times :-) It was the worst of times :-(“. The use of numerals, letters, symbols and abbreviations in place of words helps speed the reader along: “2B/2B? TITQ”.

Prerequisite: LIT241 – Famous Dramatic Soliloquies as Facebook Status Updates

GEO2012 – The World According to GPS

This course replaces all of our former geography courses, now that the ability to read a map is no longer a required skill in contemporary civilization. Students will practice a range of basic GPS-based driving skills – such as the ability to clearly say the name of their destination while having a mouthful of food, understanding the difference between “turn right” and “turn left”, and how to avoid panic when the GPS system says “recalculating”.

Prerequisite: GEO2011 – A World Outside of Your Home: Reality or Myth?

MAT1234 – Those Number Buttons on the Right Side of Your Keyboard

What would you do if your voice-activated accounting software failed? This course introduces students to the mysterious numerical keypad located on their computer keyboard and shows how it can actually be used to do basic mathematical calculations – such as addition, subtraction, multiplication and…well, we don’t want to give the whole course away now, do we?

Prerequisite: MAT123 – Counting on Your Fingers and Toes

COM1221 – Rewriting Wikipedia Entries

This composition course guides students through the process of rewriting information found on Wikipedia to seem like an original text based on the student’s own research.

Take the following Wikipedia entry, for example: “William I, usually known as William the Conqueror and sometimes as William the Bastard, was the first Norman King of England, reigning from 1066 until his death in 1087.”

This could easily be rewritten as follows: “William I was king of England from 1066 to 1087. The reason he decided to stop being king was that he died. Most people called him William the Conqueror because that was a really cool nickname. Some people called him William the Bastard, but probably not to his face. What ‘s weird is that his real name was Norman.”

CKG1000 – 1,000 Instant Noodle Recipes

This cooking workshop prepares students for surviving their college years through the preparation of a vast array of Ramen noodle-based meals. Practical tips include using dorm room leftovers – pizza crusts, nacho crumbs, Subway shredded lettuce – to give added flavor and bulk to noodle concoctions.

Prerequisite: CKG212 – Fundamentals of Boiling Water

SOC500 – Making the Most of Your 500th Job Interview

This social studies practicum helps prepare students for making their 500th job interview the one that finally gets them the job they’ve been desperately seeking for the past 20+ years since their graduation from college. Read the full story

Posted in Internets Tubes, Science & TechnologizzyComments (1)

Indiana Mom Prepares Child For His First Full Day of No More Fun


INDIANAPOLIS – With around two weeks to go until the start of school, Indiana mom Annette Nichols is anxiously getting her 6-year-old son ready for his first day of what will ultimately be no more fun.

Enrolling him in classes at Brookside Elementary School in Indianapolis, Nichols, 37, has already accompanied her son, Evan, to a Back to School festival in an effort to teach him that his days of unbridled playtime are set to become increasingly rare as he gets older. Read the full story

Posted in Education, SocietyComments (2)

History Channel Says “Screw It”, Merges with the E! and Syfy Networks


In a move not surprising to cable TV insiders, the History Channel has announced that it will merge with the E! and SyFy channels. Production costs were cited as the primary reason for the consolidation.

Abbe Raven, President and CEO of A&E Networks, was quoted as saying, “The American cable network audience is stupid enough to watch whatever the hell we throw up there, so why not minimize the cost of our programming by mashing it all together?” Read the full story

Posted in Entertainment, TelevisionComments (2)

2012 Campaign Issues for Dummies


For those of us having a hard time keeping up with the issues this election year there’s welcome help on the horizon. John Wiley and Sons, Inc. released the latest in their series of voter issue references entitled, Campaign Issues for Dummies.

Using familiar icons as chapter headers, you’ll be able to quickly locate the issue of your choosing. Read, be informed and remember to VOTE.

Job Outsourcing

If you live in a region heavy in manufacturing, then that sucking sound Ross Perot warned you about in 1992 is what you HEARD a few years ago as all your jobs relocated to Mexico. That sound you heard in 2000 was all the high tech service jobs relocating to India and China.

The sound you hear NOW is the sound of jobs in the financial and manufacturing sectors being sucked down a black hole. The next sound you will hear is the WHOOSH of low-wage food service jobs rushing in to fill the void.

If you are a voter concerned about job creation versus job outsourcing, then you should select a candidate with no ties to Big Business, Ivy League schools, Old Money or Secret Societies.

If you are a voter unopposed to globalism, who keeps money in offshore accounts, and neither has nor needs a job, you should select a candidate based solely on the tax-breaks and their unabashed agenda of appeasement of the rich

If you are a voter who has learned Spanish as well as perfected the art of cooking with cumin, you should select a candidate with enough global vision not to wear out America’s welcome before you get there.

Military Spending

If you are a voter who doesn’t mind spending $8.9 billion on a missile defense system that doesn’t work, then you should select the candidate with the highest gullibility factor.

If you are a voter who thinks that defense spending should be drastically cut, you should select the candidate with the LEAST amount of travel in the 3rd World.

If you are active duty military, reserves or National Guard, on your third tour in a combat zone with dependents on food stamps and eating canned spinach, you should vote out the incumbent as a warning to the rest.

Education

If you are an Ivy-League educated voter with a child in private school, you should vote for the candidate who favors spending taxpayer money on vouchers for private schools that keep out the riff-raff.

If you are a voter with children in public school, you should vote for the candidate who favors increased education spending without accountability or performance goals.

If you are a teacher, you should consider a second job while selecting the candidate who went to public schools and state college.

Medicare

If you fall into the 18-34 demographics, you should vote for the candidate who declines using this issue to raise your taxes.

If you fall into the 35-65 demographics, you should vote for the candidate who guarantees that Medicare won’t go completely broke by 2019.

If you fall into the 65 and up demographics, you should apply for Canadian citizenship.

Gun Control

If you are an avid fan of the 2nd Amendment, you should join the NRA and vote for the candidate they tell you. Afterall, they’ve got all the guns

If you’re an advocate for gun control, you should stay out of redneck bars in Montana and vote for whomever Michael Moore endorses.

If you’re more of a pragmatist than a single-issue voter, you should vote AGAINST any candidate that makes this a hot button issue. But, keep your head down.

War on Terror

If you believe the United States has a moral obligation to lead the fight in the War on Terror, even if it means acting unilaterally, then you should select the candidate with a “shoot-from-the-hip” attitude who is most likely to “smoke ‘em out and get ‘em running,” without the need for time-consuming activities such as “good planning.”

If you believe the United States should work and cooperate with other nations to sustain steady pressure, including military action, on rogue nations who support and sponsor terrorism, without getting over-extended, then you should select the candidate with the most actual combat experience.

If just want to end this thing by any means necessary, so that no terrorist organization would dare attack U.S. targets again for fear of a fate worst than death, you should select the candidate with organized crime ties.

Wartime Leadership

If you are a voter who finds it comforting to have a leader during wartime that reminds you of the your rich, spoiled fraternity brother you really couldn’t count on, you should select the candidate who has lost the most brain cells due to substance abuse.

If you are a voter who favors decisive, informed leadership through the darkest times, and the ability to abandon failed policies in favor of new, adaptive strategies, while enduring the prolonged uncertainty and stress of war, you should select a candidate with P.O.W. experience.

If you are a voter that favors world domination during the post-war reconstruction, you should select a multi-billionaire megalomaniac industrialist with extensive monopoly experience.

Same Sex Unions

If you are a voter who feels that another people’s personal rights somehow cheapen your own, and advocate adding a 28th Amendment which (unlike most other amendments) works to limit personal liberties, then you should vote for the candidate furthest right on the zealot scale.

If you are a voter who believes that the “granting of rights” is the primary purpose of an amendment, and are not diminished in any way by the personal lives of others, you should select a candidate with relatives who lead alternative lives.

If you are a voter reluctant to express your personal convictions either way for fear of mob violence, vote AGAINST any candidate who makes this a hot-button issue.

The Environment

If you are a voter who advocates the wholesale destruction of any environmental object that stands in the way of industrial progress and your ability to secure sufficient oil supplies to meet the needs of your Hummer, you should select a candidate who can skillfully misinterpret scientific data, and has the most inclination to arbitrarily adjust environmental standards.

If you are a voter who feels strongly about the preservation of the environment, and desire legislation to outlaw the exploitation of wilderness areas for any reason, you’re out of luck. You should have supported Kucinich when you had the chance.

If you are a pragmatist who seeks balance between technology and nature, you should select a candidate who is NOT from a large east or west coast urban area.

If you’re an analytical sort who questions the real significance of global warming when faced with possible reduced sunspot activity, you’re too damned smart to vote for any of these clowns.

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Bloomberg Wins Bloomberg Innovation Challenge


NEW YORK—Months of anticipation from techies and financial experts came to a close on Sunday as the results of the fourth annual Bloomberg Urban Innovation Challenge were announced. Despite the largest pool of contestants in the history of the competition, the panel of judges, appointed by Mayor Michael Bloomberg, voted unanimously for the winner: Manhattan resident Michael Bloomberg. Read the full story

Posted in Biz News, PoliticsComments (0)

Congress and Senate Forced to Enroll in Hooked on Phonics


Congress has come under intense scrutiny in recent years for not reading the bills they pass. Regarding the recently passed health care bill Nancy Pelosi has gone on record stating “We have to pass the bill so that we can find out what is in it.” Read the full story

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The Prosperity Preschool


About this time last year, I found myself confronted with a daunting task: enrolling my son in a preschool. As all American parents know, it’s a choice upon which a child’s entire future can hinge, and requires diligence, focus, and tenacity.

I should say that I needed to enroll him in a new preschool, since, like any high-achieving three year-old, he was already attending school, and since, as with the previous schools, the current one wasn’t quite working out. Let’s say it was a disaster. Yes, the teachers were nice, the students too, but their values were utterly un-American. Read the full story

Posted in EducationComments (2)

Arabic Speling Bee Canceled for Education Concerns


Modernization efforts in post-Mubarak Egypt were dealt yet another blow this week, with announcement that the first ever Arabic spelling contest will not take place.

Leaders of the fledgling coalition seeking to transition Egypt from military rule to a secular republic were quick to answer outrage from western media on what’s being called ‘Spell-gate.’ Read the full story

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Status Update: Brian White Rejected from Harvard


[Ed Note: This story was originally run on Monday April 12, but we inadvertently left out all of the nouns.]

Boston, Mass (GlossyNews) In sad and disappointing news this morning, Glossy News publisher Brian White was informed by officials at Harvard University that they had considered his application and had decided they could not accept him for enrollment. Read the full story

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Education Bill Overhaul: Bad Teachers Charged as Criminals


WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — A controversial portion of President Obama’s newest education initiative has come under fire from the American Federation of Teachers, which claims the measure is not only unconstitutional but absurd.

The provision in the President’s overhaul of the “No Child Left Behind Act” would hold all teachers accountable for their students’ performance and, in some cases, allow authorities to criminally prosecute teachers with poorly performing students. Read the full story

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