Tag Archive | "business"

Trump Slams Romney’s Pretentious ‘Business People’ Book (2/2)


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But yes, HOSTILE TAKEOVERS ARE A BIG PROBLEM IN THE BUSINESS WORLD…

Not least because they can risk utterly destroying the personal reputation, or worse still, the business reputation of the person undertaking the purported hostile takeover in question.

In fact, that’s pretty much the only problem.

But it’s still a biggie.

Kind of.

Well, from a particular point of view, I guess. Read the full story

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This Ambitious Start-Up is Changing the Face of Marketing


{navel+gazers} is not like any other digital marketing agency you’ve dealt with.

We understand that businesses don’t care about gimmicky terms like “clicks”, “kerning”, or “art”. Businesses care about profit.

And so do we. That’s why we’ve designed a custom-tailored brand solution that strategically guarantees a return on your investment. Shouldn’t your solutions be strategic? Doesn’t your brand deserve recognition? Read the full story

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Pathetic Résumé Supercharged by Plastic Folder


ANAHEIM, CA—The offices of Walworth and Rhodes were gut-punched with excitement upon seeing that an applicant’s otherwise completely unimpressive résumé had been placed inside a plastic folder.

With a work history that made him an unequivocal leper in the job market, applicant Kirk Scheer had little choice other than to resort to the plastic folder. Read the full story

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TGIT – Thank God It’s Tuesday


Last November and December, I experienced some shortened work weeks thanks to the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Both holidays were preceded by shortened three-day work weeks, so I had to be extremely focused, making efficient use of every minute of every work day.

I cut way back on the amount of time I would otherwise spend watching lame YouTube videos involving practical jokes where some unsuspecting dude gets kicked in the family jewels (I can never get enough of that highbrow humor). Read the full story

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Business Lesson #58 – Help your employees make better decisions. Remove all restrooms


Periodically Glossy News asks me to don my business consultant hat (a stylish Italian grey fedora) to share innovative business strategies to grow your business and improve your employees’ productivity.

As a sought-after business process improvement expert and author of the popular business handbook, Stop Tasering Your Team – and 50 Other Strategies to Improve Employee Morale, I can help businesses prosper – if only they’d stop and listen to me for once. Read the full story

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Why grow your business when you can optimize your real-time ROI yield


I’ve spent the better part of the past 25 years (and the worse part as well) in sales and marketing. One thing that has always impressed me in checking out the marketing collateral and the web sites of the major industry front runners is how I have absolutely no idea what they actually do.

You see, smart marketers learned a long time ago, that when it comes to beating the competition, you don’t have to build a better mousetrap. You just have to know how to market it better. And that starts with the words you use to describe your products and services. Read the full story

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Guy Who Sort of Looks Like Stephen King Makes Extra Cash Brooding in Corner at Corporate Events


BOSTON—The employees of Boston Consulting Group were treated to a special guest at the latest corporate event held by the renowned management consulting firm.

It was only within the first few moments of the evening that those lucky enough to attend first noticed what appeared to be none other than famed horror writer Stephen King sitting at a corner table, appearing withdrawn and internally tortured.

Eagle-eyed guests soon realized it was in fact part-time welder and local Stephen King impersonator Buddy Frenkel. Read the full story

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Business Lesson #61: Hug your way to business success


Welcome to installment #61 in Glossy News’ periodic series of business lessons on how you can take your business to never-before-imagined levels of success.

In this challenging economy, companies are forced to do more with less and continue to look for ways to squeeze efficiencies, often by means of painful layoffs and other draconian cost controls. The management at Glossy News has a better idea: Hug your company’s way to success. Read the full story

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Business Lesson #83: What to do when your customers complain


Corporations do a lot of things well, but one thing that some of them could use a little help with is how to say I’m sorry when they screw up. Historically, like George Bush, most companies are not very good at saying “I’m sorry. I screwed up.”

Recently some very familiar names have been getting a lot of practice in the fine art of the apology: Toyota, BP, Goldman Sachs, Apple Computers, anyone who has ever held public office in the state of Louisiana, and for anyone in Seattle who follows baseball, the 2013 Seattle Mariners. You see, corporations aren’t perfect. They’re human, just like you and me (at least according to the U.S. Supreme Court). Read the full story

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Business Lesson #74: Build team loyalty with self-guided mobile spy robots


If there’s one thing nearly every American can agree on it’s that having aerial surveillance cameras capable of eavesdropping on our every move from outer space is a wonderful thing.

Oh, sure, sometimes surveillance cameras can be used for evil, like the time they caught this journalist doing 45 in a 35 mph zone. But video technology can also be used for good – say, to observe remotely whether employees are wasting time at work playing video games, when they should be wasting time pretending to make sales calls.

That at least appears to be the thinking behind a new, state-of-the art mobile video robot called the Ava 500, a name most experts consider a far better name than the original idea: the Self-Navigational Operations Observational Prototype (SNOOP for short).

The Ava 500 is the world’s “first self-driving business collaboration robot,” according to the manufacturer’s cheery marketing brochure. Now, business executives can collaborate with employees without leaving their corner office, using a mobile robot with a two-way video camera that lets them roam the halls or join in on team meetings remotely. Employees will love it.

Want to check in on your crew of illegal Mexican factory workers to see if they are keeping pace with their production quota of 1,500 sneakers per hour? No problem. With the press of a button, you can remotely walk along the assembly line floor to inspect the quality of their work, without leaving your yacht in the Caymans. Hey, looks like it’s already been ten minutes and Pedro’s still not back from his five-minute lunch break. Uh oh. Pedro’s got some ‘splaining to do.

The Ava 500 is built by iRobot, the same company that brought you the Roomba, a self-guided mini-vacuum robot and the perfect tool for terrorizing house cats. Skeptics scoff that the Ava 500 resembles a rolling parking meter. But don’t be confused. The Ava 500 doesn’t take quarters. But it does take incredibly detailed videos of whatever managers want to observe, including that stash of pot Pedro left on his desk. Oh, Pedro is so fired. And thanks to the Ava 500, firing employees from 2,000 miles away has never been easier.

Companies are using this powerful mobile video robot to improve communication with remote locations, cut down on travel costs of busy executives and improve employee morale. With fewer visits from assholes from Corporate, employees have never been happier – especially when they gather round to watch the Ava 500 unsuccessfully attempt to negotiate its way down a flight of stairs. It’s hilarious.

robot bosses - RoombaAnd now that companies have Ava 500s roaming every production line floor and bank of cubicles, they are seeing dramatic gains in productivity, thanks to the fact that employees’ moves are now under 24/7 scrutiny. However, Facebook status updates appear to have fallen noticeably since the arrival of these mobile office droids. Experts caution that it is possible to abuse how managers employ this state-of-the-art video robot technology and suggest some basic Dos and Don’ts.

DO give your robot a friendly name like Charlie, Todd or perhaps Thad, to make employees feel less threatened.

DON’T have “Charlie” swing by your employees’ cubicles every fifteen minutes asking “Have you submitted your TPS report yet?” Unless they’ve seen the film Office Space, they won’t get the joke.

DO use it to facilitate brainstorming sessions between Corporate and your manufacturing plant about how to eliminate waste in the production process.

DON’T have it stand next to Pedro with an arrow pointing at Pedro and saying the words “Here’s a way to eliminate waste.”

DO remember to reboot your robot periodically. The software is still a bit buggy.

DON’T use the AVA 500 to spy on employees in the break room to see if they’re smoking or drinking in violation of company rules. (Use the AVA 630 Micro Bot instead– installs in any overhead light fixture in minutes. They’ll never even notice it.)

robot bosses - HallwayDO encourage employees to try using the AVA 500 on their own so they can see how it can help them.

DON’T encourage employees to ride around the factory floor on Ava’s back. Or attempt to ride her down 5th Avenue during Rush Hour. Or attempt to have sex with her. I trust the reasons for all of these do not require elaboration.

Companies that have installed this exciting new technology have observed a 36% drop in employee theft, a 49% drop in workplace drinking, and an 85% drop in employees wanting to work there anymore.

Bert Kowalski of Waukesha, WI was so impressed by the potential of this technology that he has installed one to monitor his kids’ behavior in the house while he’s at work. He named his robot Margaret. Bert reported that recently his younger daughter insisted she was home alone all day, reading the biography of Abraham Lincoln, but thanks to Margaret’s 20 mega-pixel retinal imaging camera, Bert could see that she had her boyfriend over and they were, well, let’s just say they did not learn much about Abraham Lincoln.

Bert shared that he thought about going into her room for a father-daughter talk on the importance of trust, but that seemed an inefficient use of his time. Instead, thanks to Margaret, Bert was able to lecture her from the comfort of his bed while watching the Milwaukee Brewers game on TV.

Or at least he thought I could do that. Turns out Bert’s wife lectured him about privacy rights and told him never to do it again. How did she know that Bert had done it, we asked? Bert relied, “Turns out Margaret is a snitch. Damn.”

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Business Lesson #39: Awlays Proffread Yoru Wrok


As a successful entrepreneur and highly sought-after business guru, Glossy News often consults me to provide my business advice for people trying to climb the ladder of success “How can I ever become as successful as you?” Well the short answer, of course, is “You can’t. Don’t waste your time trying.”

That said, there are still several things you can do to ignite your career, including offering to have sex with your company’s president or blackmailing the CFO with photos from last December’s Holiday Office party. But these strategies are best reserved for the experienced career climber. For someone with your more modest level of talent and ambition, how about we start with something a bit more basic, shall we? Read the full story

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Power Wheels Offer Green Solution


NEW YORK- Mattel, parent company of the popular toy brand Power Wheels, has announced their bid in to the economic future of this country. They have announced a partnership with the Ford Motor Company to begin selling Power Wheels on their car lots. Read the full story

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Indianapolis Mayor Thinks A Bunch of Really Tall Skyscrapers Would Be Pretty Neat


INDIANAPOLIS – Peering philosophically out of his city-council building office window Monday, Mayor of Indianapolis Greg Ballard thinks that a whole bunch of “really freaking tall” skyscrapers would be pretty neat right about now.

Even though his office remains devoid of the sort of budget that would fund such a project, Mr Ballard privately imagines what it would be like to replace Monument Circle with a record-breaking 3,000 ft structure he would affectionately name Ballard Tower. Read the full story

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Little Caesars Pizza sues Ancient Rome for brand infringement


BATTLE CREEK, MI – America’s leading cereal manufacturer, Kellogg’s is suing a Californian non-profit organization, the Maya Archeology Initiative, claiming the nonprofit’s use of a toucan in its logo (left) too closely resembles Kellogg’s famous Fruit Loops cereal icon, Toucan Sam. Apparently Kellogg’s is trying to corner the market on both high-fructose breakfast cereals and cartoon toucan characters. Read the full story

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Orange Man Boehner Delights Chinese Business Leaders, Disappoints Constituents


DAYTON, Ohio (Glossy News) –The Chinese, often characterized as “the yellow race,” have found a new friend in a man whose face color reminds them of their grandfathers when angered — orange. There is an old saying in China that goes something like “when my yellow grandfather gets a red face, he is an orange ogre.”

Businessmen from all over China have begun telling this ancient tale again after meeting and speaking with John Boehner, who, for all intents and purposes, has become the number one link between China and the United States Chamber of Commerce. Read the full story

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Stimulus Bonanza – Federal Reserve to Sell Vitamin Supplements


Jackson Hole, WY (GlossyNews): Mired with increasing signals of an unexpected economic slowdown and the possibility of a double dip recession, the Federal Reserve announced a series of “unconventional” programs it is prepared to undertake in order to stabilize the economy. Standing prominently among various initiatives including further quantitative easing, maintaining record law interest rates, and increased buying of sovereign dept, the Federal Reserve plans to begin selling a full line of vitamin supplements are part of a multi-level marketing campaign. Read the full story

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