Tag Archive | "bible"

God Issues Defamation & Copyright Cease and Desist


One tragic “unintended consequence” of the DMCA is that it has resulted in a currently unverified premature leak of a document God was planning to reveal to the world.

Or at least to those who had ears to hear.

I can’t say for sure if the following transcript is for real.

Still, I guess this is one of those things. You either believe it or you don’t.

Listen, everybody. Now, I’m a pretty nice person. I mean, there’s no one in this world who is more loving and generous than me! Read the full story

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, ReligionismComments (0)

God: “Stephen Hawking does not exist”


DATELINE: HEAVEN – In response to Dr. Stephen Hawking’s confirmation of his atheism this week, the Christian deity and almighty creator Yahweh announced that the universe’s existence could be explained without the need for a Stephen Hawking.

“Following peer-reviewed religious principles and dogma, it is clear to me that the possibility of a Stephen Hawking existing is much less than remotely plausible. Religion offers a much more convincing explanation for the origins of the universe and, quite frankly, the existence of a Stephen Hawking simply is not compatible with My miracles.” Read the full story

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Posted in Religionism, SocietyComments (3)

A Psalm for the Tea Party


1) The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want–to talk to liberals.

2) He maketh me lie down in untaxed green pastures: he leadeth me to the clear waters of pro-Gun states where I can shoot deer or thieves as God intended; no libs shall take my guns away.

3) He restoreth our souls to their Constitutional originals; he leadeth us down the righteous right-wing path where no left-leaning wingnuts lie in wait. Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, ReligionismComments (0)

Bible Quiz Proves Average American Knows Nothing About The Bible


A recent quiz written by our own staff has gone live in Beta, and early results are less than promising. It seems nobody knows the real facts of The Bible.

There are questions from the Old Testament, the new Testament, and no other testaments, since there are no other testaments acknowledged, no matter what Muslims of Mormons might say. I can make quizes for you guys too, if you like.

(TAKE THE 12-QUESTION BIBLE QUIZ NOW). Read the full story

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Posted in ReligionismComments (12)

Tea Party Representatives to Support Work and Education Centers for Poor


The debate over entitlement, drug testing of children who receive food stamps and student loans took surprising turn on the House floor.

Representative Ted Cruz (R-TX) said, “We were debating the issue of drug testing when somebody said, ‘What would it take to round them up and make them work?’ We had a good chuckle, but someone else said, “No really. Read the full story

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Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

Conservative Group Angered over Leftish Bias of Bible Translations


The Freedom Under a Christian Ruled Society (FUCRS) today announced their outright disgust at bible translations with a blatantly liberal agenda and plans to have the Good Book translated from the New Living Translation to one that meets their political needs, according to a press release.

Artie Ful, spokesperson for FUCRS, explained in an interview that some good Christian men and women have been feeling singled out and persecuted. Read the full story

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Posted in ReligionismComments (2)

Taliban Reveals Their Version of the Ten Commandments


It is not well known that the Islamic Religion also uses the Bible as a prophetic religious work. That means that they believe in the Ten Commandments as received by Moses from Jehovah.

Unfortunately, as can be expected, the Taliban branch of radical Islam reinterprets them to fit its idea of the ‘holy’ way they think things should be. Read the full story

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Posted in Religionism, Strange PeopleComments (2)

Bible Study: Let’s Murder Some Kids! (comic)


The Bible isn’t just an all-time best-seller, it’s a work of wonder, mystery and incredible tragedy.

The Bible doesn’t just tell us how to live our lives, but also tell us how we should never, ever, ever live our lives. It has passages of unbelievable savagery, assuming you believe any of the grace of it in the first place.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

These are all legitimate passages from the Bible (with citations.) So before you pray for an easy commute or fair weather, consider asking your god why he was such an unbelievable dick to those who came before you. Read the full story

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Posted in Comics, ReligionismComments (2)

Wife Fails to Give Doves to Priest, Damned (comic)


Ever wondered what girls learn when they go off to a separate class while you’re busy learning about resisting the temptation to masturbate yourself blind? They’re learning about why their girly things happen, and you don’t want to know about it.

They possess the most amazing thing in the history of mankind, but it is disgusting in ways you could never imagine. It does things that are yicky, things that are gross, and things that would make you barf up your breakfast in about five seconds. Read the full story

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Posted in Comics, ReligionismComments (1)

Return of Christ Announced! (comic)


We’ve all wondered when He’d get around to returning. At the sermon on the mount he said he’d return before the last of them in attendance had died, but what a kidder that Christ was, for the love of God.

If Christ returned, would he be given a platform from which to speak his peace, or would He immediately be re-crucified, most likely by His own adherents. How would they actually know it’s Him?

I’ve heard it said that, we “would know,” but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from social media, it’s that even with the most resounding of consensus, there are still 200-million people who disagree. Will they form their own religion?

It’s not like there will be any supernatural occurrence that will convince the world. No, that would require an actual Christ, a being that has never been properly documented of scientifically falsified.

To see my comics as soon as they run check out GlossyNews.com/c.

64-jesus-returns

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Posted in Comics, ReligionismComments (2)

Pope Francis to Allow Fellatio; Cunnilingus


Newly elected Pope Francis announced today that he will allow parishioners over the age of 50 the option of giving and receiving fellatio and cunnilingus to ensure “marital harmony and to enhance the sex lives of the faithful”.

Ora sex has always been forbidden by the Catholic Church as it violates the Bible’s edict to “go forth and multiply” but the new pontiff said that men and women beyond childbearing years no longer assume that burden.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

Read the full story

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Posted in SocietyComments (0)

200 Cows Standing in a Field (or Not)


ORLANDO–My choice to drive State Road 528 over to Orlando International instead of my usual route via Highway 1-92 through Kissimmee proved premonition pops up more often than not.

The emergency broadcast system cut off Buckethead and the crew over at WTKS 104.1, squawking dire tornado warnings to span Osceola, Orange and Brevard County. (Those unfamiliar with the area, that’s one major parcel of ranch land). A funnel cloud had been sighted at Harmony, Florida around about the time I would have found myself driving through the green community sprawling east of St. Cloud. Read the full story

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Posted in Human InterestComments (1)

Mitt Romney Vows To Create Armageddon


GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced today that, if elected, he promises to fulfill the Bible’s promise of Armageddon and allow all faithful Mormon practitioners to achieve Rapture.

“The time for Armageddon is nigh!” Romney stated to some of his followers. “I shall lead the Mormon people to Rapture as is promised in the Bible!”

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

Romney claims that he is the chosen one to lead the wealthy Mormon people to the promised land and the poor, uneducated non-Mormon citizens to hell. Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, Top StoriesComments (0)

Republicans to Change Symbol from Elephant to Jesus Holding a Shotgun


Washington D.C. – In what many are calling a sign of the Republican Party’s desperation, Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus today announced that the long standing symbol of the Republican Party, the elephant, is being replaced by an image of Jesus with a shotgun.

Priebus said that Republicans were more able to relate to an armed Jesus than an elephant. “We did a lot of polls and stuff,” said Priebus. Read the full story

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Posted in PoliticsComments (2)

Manning Joins Broncos, Tebow Converts to Paganism


DENVER, Colorado – “There is more than one God,” Tim Tebow said in awe after watching Peyton Manning complete yet another pass in practice. “There’s just no other explanation.”

The Broncos’ ex-quarterback, known less for his passing skills than for his prayer timeouts and his genuflections after any positive gain on offense, stood in astonishment as he watched the 4-time MVP award winner take his job away with casual throws to members of the practice squad. “God is not almighty,” Tebow explained, “He’s got nothing on Manning when They’re on the football field.” Read the full story

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Posted in SportsComments (0)

New Research Shows Bible is True; Scientists Give Up


Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

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Posted in Making HeadlinesComments (1)

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