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Stop Press: The Real Reason Tom Cruise is Leaving Scientology

Stop Press: The Real Reason Tom Cruise is Leaving Scientology

There’s a lot of talk about Tom Cruise leaving Scientology.

But the media coverage thus far has been very selective.

So just this once, I’m going to have to use my imagination to plug the gap.

A bit of background first.

Well, we don’t half pull the stops out for our research at GlossyNews! I found someone else’s blog, which said Bob Dylan had converted to Islam.

But none of these reports tell the whole story. You know, just recently, Dylan realized that he had actually made an error the first time around.

You know, the problem was, I kind of wanted a magic panacea to solve all my inner existential turmoil in one fell swoop, and solve every single last problem I had.

But looking back, that was really irrational and stupid. And in hindsight, I feel like a big fool.

I mean, if I really wanted to do that, then WHY THE F*** DIDN’T I TRY SCIENTOLOGY INSTEAD? I mean, it’s just too damn OBVIOUS! URGH!!!!

Yusuf Islam, formerly known as “the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens,” joined his spiritual brother Bob as a follower of the most recent religious revelation of all.

(Not to mention the ‘final’ revelation as well. At least in terms of this particular space-time epoch and cosmic cycle!) 😉

You know, the problem is that people just don’t understand Scientology. I used to think it was kind of odd and alien.

I mean, woahhh! People like Patrick Swayze, or whatever his name is, used to just scare the hell out of me!

But now, it just all makes perfect sense. Everything just fits, ya know?

Tom Cruise, however, strongly disagreed with this stance.

I always thought Scientology was the real thing. It’s “a rational religion for people who think,” like the adverts told me.

Like literally, who was I to arrogantly presume to question a Scientology poster in some random metro station somewhere?

I mean, as human beings (or whatever term you wish to use), our knowledge is so limited. Cos, you know, I’m a pretty sceptical person. So how dare I hubristically and blindly dismiss the notion of Scientology as the be-all and end-all of rational, critical thought?

Because, I mean, I’m very, VERY far from omniscient, you just gotta believe me! So I just wanna show some humility, you know?

But that said, the last thing in hell I need is freaky, way-off, kooky-booky types like Bob Dylan and Yusuf Islam joining my pure, pristine, authentic religion and shamelessly corrupting it from the outside!

I mean, I’ve never forgiven Bob for betraying me and making the demonic Judas leap of damnation into the hellish black hole of electric-guitar-mongering!

And Yusuf Islam claims to be a true artist. But if that’s so, why is he commenting on all that artsy-fartsy literary crap by Salman Rushdie?

I mean, what kind of a pretentious jerk would spend every available opportunity ranting about pretentious, contrived, speculative crap with no relation to reality whatsoever? I just don’t understand why someone would ever do that, and it makes me sick to my very stomach!!!

Richard Dawkins, as is his wont, was unwilling to comment until he could come up with a comprehensive, nuanced and well-informed opinion on the matter.

However, there are rumours that he is quitting his high profile Twitter career and occasional academic side projects for an infinitely and beyondly infinitely more noble and inspiring cause.


This post was written by

- who has written 588 posts on

Sub-editor of Glossy News. Contact me to pitch or submit your satire! You can buy my satire and poetry ebooks from many online stores, including Amazon. Make sure you like the Glossy News and Wallace Runnymede pages on Facebook!


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