Tag Archive | "Paul Ryan"

In his Lonely Hour, Trump Embraces the Swamp


April arrives, and like seasons, brings cherry blossoms to bloom in Washington D.C.

One side or another deflowers the hopes of Liberty or the Peace  Movement.

Trump has embraced warfare and the welfare state.

The swamp will take away the bloom from the wild Irish rose. Read the full story

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John Boehner Found Mummified in Tanning Bed


Washington D.C. – Speaker of the House, John Boehner, known for his orange hue and lack of spine when it comes to politics, was found this weekend in a dried-out, mummified state inside a tanning bed at a local salon.

The Republican congressman from Ohio was found by a worker at the salon when Boehner hadn’t been seen for several hours and the employee thought they smelled something like BBQ rat smoking on a grill. Read the full story

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Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor


WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a landmark vote on Monday morning, the Libertarian-controlled Congress passed a bill eliminating all prohibitions on child labor in the United States.

Standing outside the Capitol Building, large swaths of supporters wearing Ayn Rand t-shirts emblazoned with the words “Our Market, Our Money, Our Bank Accounts” cheered loudly as House Speaker Paul Ryan read the tally.

“With 357 votes in the affirmative, the Congress of these United States has decided to put the market first. For far too long this sick regulatory environment has been strangling the life out of individualism and family values.” Read the full story

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Conductor Unveils “Reduced Fat Orchestra”


NEW YORK CITY – A conductor is drawing wide attention for his decision to present a “Reduced Fat Orchestra” to future audiences.

Tomasso Fillipo Rivelli, 32, came to the conclusion after getting word that Congressman Paul Ryan’s “Path to Prosperity” budget plan would pass the Senate with a veto-proof majority.

Included in the plan are significant reductions in funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, which Rivelli’s musical company relies on for much of its operational income. Read the full story

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200 Cows Standing in a Field (or Not)


ORLANDO–My choice to drive State Road 528 over to Orlando International instead of my usual route via Highway 1-92 through Kissimmee proved premonition pops up more often than not.

The emergency broadcast system cut off Buckethead and the crew over at WTKS 104.1, squawking dire tornado warnings to span Osceola, Orange and Brevard County. (Those unfamiliar with the area, that’s one major parcel of ranch land). A funnel cloud had been sighted at Harmony, Florida around about the time I would have found myself driving through the green community sprawling east of St. Cloud. Read the full story

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Corpse Still Warm; Ryan 2016 Campaign Underway


GlossyNews.com – Paul Ryan, never one to let an opportunity to flex for a camera or let an opportunity to advance his career pass him by, has been doing more than campaigning for Romney… he’s been campaigning for himself; for 2016.

Paul Ryan is well known for running Marathon races in hours less than he actually did, having body fat much lower than he actually does, and furrowing his brow right up to his Eddy Munster widow’s peak like few others could. Read the full story

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LEAK: Paul Ryan Already Signed to Do Playgirl


GlossyNews.com – Before the dust can even settle in the 2012 presidential election, TMZ has received word that vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan has inked a 7-figure deal to shoot a full spread in Playgirl Magazine.

Robert Benson, an official Romney spokesman, had this to say at a press conference called early this morning to explain the situation, and spin it as a positive for the flagging campaign: Read the full story

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Frustrated Voter Questions Paul Ryan’s Birth


Frustrated voter Dixon Notch of Plainville, Ohio has raised a complaint about Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan.

“I’ve got a problem with Mitt Romney’s pick of Paul Ryan,” said Notch. “It’s not Ryan’s right-wing conservative views on things like abortion and gay marriage that bother me or even his far right budget proposal comprising tax cuts for the rich and benefit cuts for everyone else. Heck, I can even accept that he’s a stupidly big fan of Ayn Rand.” Read the full story

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Paul Ryan: ‘Must Not Look Weak, Must Not Look Weak!’


KENTUCKY – Following his televised debate with Vice President Joe Biden Thursday, Mitt Romney’s running mate Paul Ryan insisted: “must not look weak, must not look weak, must not look weak.”

Adopting a serious tone during post-debate festivities, the 42-year-old said it was absolutely vital that he refrain from breaking down in uncontrollable tears after what, after all, was a healthy debate with Mr. Biden. Read the full story

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Biden’s Laugh Claims Ryan’s Smirk Isn’t VP Material


Following Thursday night’s Vice Presidential debate, Joe Biden’s laugh told reporters that Candidate Paul Ryan’s smirk “simply is not qualified for the number two position.”

Biden’s laugh went on to explain that “a President grimaces, and a grimace is a less sad frown which is an upside down smile which is a less happy laugh. So me and the Presidential mouth are like kissing cousins so to speak full of conflicting emotion. Read the full story

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Paul Ryan Files Lawsuit Against Martha Raddatz


Immediately following the vice-presidential debate on Thursday evening, the Ryan half of the Romney/Ryan ticket filed a law suit against Martha Raddatz.

An agreement had been reached prior to the debate that Congressman Paul Ryan would be referred to as Mister Ryan.

From the very opening of the debate, the alleged non-partisan moderator, continually referred to Congressman Ryan, well, as Congressman Ryan. Read the full story

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Handlers Say Biden Will Be On a ‘Soothing Lithium Drip’ For The VP Debate


Washington, DC – (SatireWorld.com)

After publically claiming ‘it’s only 30 more days to the erection,’ Joe Biden handlers have taken matters into their own hands and have placed the Vice President into the care of the White House Physician for immediate treatment in order to have the VP compete in Wednesday’s Vice Presidential debate. Read the full story

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Romney Sucked Out of Airplane Window


Claiming he felt ‘stuffy and cramped’ GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney smashed open a window aboard a 727 jet aircraft as the plane was flying 500 MPH at 30,000 feet and he was immediately sucked out into space.

“We told him repeatedly that you can’t open a window on an airplane!” said Airline Captain Earl Schuck. I guess he didn’t understand the laws of gravity and pressurization”.

It would appear Romney’s body landed somewhere near New Orleans though its exact location could not be determined. Local residents simply asked “Who’s Romney?” They could not distinguish Romney’s body from the other poverty stricken bodies in the area.

Paul Ryan will be taking over the GOP slot in the race for the presidency and odds-makers are saying his chance of winning is as good as Romney’s.

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Romney Concedes Election to Obama


With the election still months away, GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney admitted today that he has no chance of winning and has conceded the election to President Obama.

“I completely screwed up”, Romney admitted. “I am out of touch with the American people and my arrogance and stupidity have become clear to everyone. I am abandoning the race and I concede the election to Barak Obama”.

Romney’s friends and supporters were stunned at the announcement. “Yes, he f–ked up but I didn’t think he’d drop out!” said running mate Paul Ryan.

“You’ll have to forgive my husband. He comes across as being so smart but he’s a real dumb ass!” Romney’s wife Ann said.

The election will now be between Obama and Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson and many republicans said they will be switching to Johnson’s side.

“Anyone but Obama”, said former Ku Klux Klan leader Johnny Lee Clary.

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V.P. Candidate Paul Ryan’s ‘Perfect Game’ Story Challenged


Janesville, Wisconsin. While attending a Washington National’s baseball game last week, Representative and Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan, chosen to throw out the game’s first pitch, told the cheering crowd at Nationals Park that this reminded him of the time he pitched a perfect game for his little league team, the Janesville Jaguars.

Ryan played baseball in the Janesville 10-and-under league for one season, before quitting to go into politics. Suspicious Little League officials in Janesville, remembering Ryan’s false marathon time boast, decided to check the scorecard of the game in question. Read the full story

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GlossyNews.com Interviews Paul Ryan on Equal Rights and the Personhood of Fertilized Corporations


The U.S. Republican Vice Presidential nominee, Paul Ryan, is often portrayed as a person of little compassion. However, he sees himself as expanding equal rights to new classes of persons. Here is how he responded to my questions on these subjects:

GlossyNews.com: Congressman Ryan, you’ve said that human life is precious to you, so why do you insist that even if a pregnancy endangers the life of a woman, she has no right to end it? Read the full story

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