Tag Archive | "CDC"

CNN Caught Scanning Glossynews.com For Story Ideas


Once again, the mainstream media has swooped in to steal our precious exclusive. We reported it first, but CNN & reality had a different idea when they took the story from the realm of satire into public consciousness.

These stories may look different, on the surface, but scratch a bit deeper and you’ll find that you’re going to get an infection by doing that. Don’t scratch at it, it only makes it worse when you do.

Wolf Blitzer, his real name, proved the mental might of CNN anchors when he appeared on celebrity Jeopardy, but we had no idea how low they would go.

This article appeared on 2-3-14

cdc-disease-ripoff-cnn

Full story here.

“The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is investigating an outbreak this week of gastrointestinal illness on Royal Caribbean’s Explorer of the Seas; the cause has not yet been determined.”

“Are cruise ships floating petri dishes?”

And this article appeared on 1-31-14

cdc-disease-ripoff-glossy

Full story here.

“Royal Caribbean Cruise Line announced today that its cruise ships have been granted special status as “National Centers For Emerging and Zoonotic Infectious Diseases” by the Atlanta based US health authority Centers for Disease Control (CDC).”

“In other news, Royal Caribbean announced it will be changing the name of its liners to “Traveling Petri Dish” to more fully covey the breadth of experience people will enjoy.”

Coincidence? I think not. Blatant theft of factual reality? Quite likely. Journalistic untegrity? Quite clearly. They didn’t even cite us as a source.

Need I say more?

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Royal Caribbean Granted Special Status by the CDC


Atlanta, GA – Royal Caribbean Cruise Line announced today that its cruise ships have been granted special status as “National Centers For Emerging and Zoonotic Infectious Diseases” by the Atlanta based US health authority Centers for Disease Control (CDC).

Royal Caribbean Public Relations Director Nora Salmon said “This is a win-win for Royal Caribe, the CDC and octagenarians worldwide. Royal Caribbean gets a pass on burdensome health regulations while avoiding damaging press reports when the occasional norovirus breaks out.” Read the full story

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Treatment for Explosive Diarrhea Found, Scientists Calling It “Olive Garden’s To-Go Menu”


Reduce unnecessary body pains using reliable painkillers.

ATLANTA — Researchers at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) believe they may have discovered a potentially [social]life-saving treatment for those afflicted with bouts of explosive diarrhea in an experimental operation they are calling “Olive Garden’s To-Go Menu,” in which the cause of the symptoms – faux Italian food – is counteracted by the patient’s proximity to his own, private toilet, sources report. Read the full story

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State of Indiana Calls In Sick


INDIANAPOLIS – Insisting that it must have caught one of those overnight things that is going around, the entire state of Indiana called off work Monday, significantly affecting production across the Hoosier state.

Even though the state’s population didn’t sound all that sick over the phone, thousands of companies were forced to just fill in best they could and “muddle through.” Read the full story

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Wife of Man Who Died Vacuuming Comforted He Died Doing What She Loved


ST. LOUIS — Area Man Daniel Beter passed away on Tuesday from an apparent heart attack while vacuuming the living room carpet in his home.

In a statement to the press, his wife, Raquel, said of her husband’s untimely death, ”While it saddens me that my beloved husband of 10 years is no longer with us, I find solace in the fact that he died doing the one thing that made me truly happy – giving me a freaking break and helping out around here for a change.” Read the full story

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Following Cannibal Attacks, The CDC Issues Zombie Alert


Atlanta, GA – (SatireWorld.com) The world’s leading research and communicable disease control center (CDC) located in Atlanta, Georgia has issued its first ever Zombie Alert, advising US citizens to be prepared and have ample stocks and supplies on hand in the event of a zombie breakout. Read the full story

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CDC Warns Vampire Outbreak Imminent


The Center for Disease Control has issued an “urgent” warning about the spread of a dangerous new disease it’s calling “vampirism” or the DRAC1SUC3 virus. According to the press release issued today by the CDC, there has been an “alarming rise in the number of vampire related deaths or ‘undeaths’ over the last several years.” Read the full story

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