Tag Archive | "baseball"

Chicago Cubs Lose, Cosmos Safe


In historic fashion, the curse of the Billy Goat again reared its ugly head on those Lovable Losers, the Chicago Cubs.

Game four of the National League Championship Series ended with the New York Mets beating the Cubbies by the score of 8-3, sweeping the team everyone thought was destined to win the World Series because Back to the Future predicted it.

The Mets hammered Chicago Cub pitcher Jason Hammel so bad he only lasted two innings innings in the post season game, ensuring the continuation of planetary rotation and balance within the cosmos. Read the full story

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MLB Commissioner Admits He’s “Never Watched Full [Baseball] Game”


NEW YORK – Bud Selig, Commissioner of Major League Baseball, admitted today to a stunned press conference that he has never before watched an entire game of baseball.

“It’s just so slow,” confessed the incumbent commissioner of now 22 years. “I keep trying but I always fall asleep around the 3rd or 4th inning.” Read the full story

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Billy Beane in attempted trade for Trout: “F*** it”


ANAHEIM – This morning, general manager Billy Beane of the Oakland Athletics attempted the trade of a lifetime.

Jerry Dipoto, GM of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, tells source that Beane contacted him in the early hours of the morning with an offer he “couldn’t refuse.”

Beane called the Dipoto home around 4am and told the former pitcher “F*** it. I’m ready.” He then allegedly tried to offer up the entire 2014 Oakland Athletics roster in exchange for Angels marquee player, Mike Trout. Read the full story

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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Left-handers suing Major League Baseball


Announcer: Equal treatment for all Americans is a fundamental principle of our Constitution. Baseball is supposed to be as American as apple pie. Serious questions have been raised about baseball’s fairness by the National Organization for Perfect Equality (NOPE). “Yucky World” talk show hosts Dick and Janey will be discussing this with NOPE spokesperson Lefty Wrightkowitz.

Janey: NOPE recently filed a class-action lawsuit against Major League Baseball for discriminating against left-handers.

Dick: Would you please explain your suit to our audience, Mr. Wrightkowitz?

Wrightkowitz: You can call me Lefty, Dick.

Dick: Alrighty, Lefty! Yuck! Yuck!

Janey: Now how did I know you were going to say that?

Dick: Extra-sensory perception?

Janey: Well, I guess smelling is a perception. What are the grounds for your case, Lefty?

Lefty: We’re suing baseball for the systematic exclusion of left-handed throwers from the positions of third base, shortstop, second base, and catcher. This is blatant discrimination and must not be allowed to continue.

Dick: Boy, it sounds like you’ve got a real good case there, Lefty.

Janey: I’m not so sure. It’s done because of the baseball diamond. You have to be able to throw right-handed to get the ball to first base the fastest.

Lefty: True, but that’s because the right-handers who started baseball set the game up backwards.

Dick: Backwards?

Lefty: How come you don’t run the bases clockwise? You deal cards clockwise. If you did run clockwise, you’d have to have left-handers at all these positions.

Janey: Yeah, but horses and greyhounds run counter-clockwise.

Lefty: They can’t tell time.

Dick: I once saw Trigger tell time with his paw.

Janey: That’s hoof, Dick.

Dick: Whatever.

Janey: So what do you want the courts to do, Lefty?

Lefty: We simply want equal justice. We want baseball to be played clockwise for the next 100 years to even out the past injustices. After that, they can switch first base with third base every other year.

Janey: I guess my great-great-grandson had better learn to be ambidextrous if he wants to play baseball.

Dick: Gee, Janey. Maybe they’ll find a cure for that before then.

Janey: Cure for what?

Dick: That disease, ambidextrous.

Janey: Dick, are you always out to lunch?

Dick: Only when I have a hot dog at the ballpark. By the way, Lefty, as a left-hander, I’ve got a pet peeve of my own.

Lefty: What’s that?

Dick: Toilet paper! What are we going to do about toilet paper?

Janey: Huh?

Dick: You know, toilet paper in public restrooms, it’s usually on the side for right-handers.

Lefty: We’ll get working on that right away, Dick.

Dick: Great! Then I won’t have to carry my own paper anymore!!

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Soccer Quickly Becoming America’s Like 4th or 5th Favorite Sport


A recent poll taken by randomly selected sports fans from around the nation indicated that the game of soccer, where you try and kick a ball into a goal, is drawing near to being among some of America’s most popular sports.

“It’s definitely up there,” said one Chicago sports nut. “I mean, football is way better, and so is baseball, basketball, NASCAR, hockey, tennis, wrestling, and motocross, but after that, it’s probably a pretty close tie between soccer and golf. Read the full story

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Pittsburgh Pirates On Record Pace to Reach 53-Win Limit


PITTSBURGH — The Pittsburgh Pirates are out to their best start yet, already having secured 51 of their 53 maximum allowable wins at just the halfway point of the MLB season.

To put it into perspective with regard to the rest of the National League, the Pirates currently have two wins more than the Cardinals, five wins more than the Reds, and 49 wins more than the they themselves are contractually allotted to achieve for the rest of the season. Read the full story

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American Team Favored to Win 2013 World Series


ST. LOUIS – The St. Louis Cardinals made history Friday when they became the 104th American team to win the World Series. With their 6-2 victory over the Texas Rangers in game 7, The Cardinals extended the United States’ formidable record in the competition, which has only twice been won by a non-American club when the Toronto Blue Jays recorded back-to-back victories in 1992 and 1993. Read the full story

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V.P. Candidate Paul Ryan’s ‘Perfect Game’ Story Challenged


Janesville, Wisconsin. While attending a Washington National’s baseball game last week, Representative and Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan, chosen to throw out the game’s first pitch, told the cheering crowd at Nationals Park that this reminded him of the time he pitched a perfect game for his little league team, the Janesville Jaguars.

Ryan played baseball in the Janesville 10-and-under league for one season, before quitting to go into politics. Suspicious Little League officials in Janesville, remembering Ryan’s false marathon time boast, decided to check the scorecard of the game in question. Read the full story

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Post-season Baseball Starts, If Any One Even Cares


Somewhere- The baseball post season is starting despite weak attendance and poor ratings. Team owners and players insist people still care, even with the lack of attention.

Some teams are playing in some places for the World Series. Recently, Major League Baseball executives ,assuming they knew what fans wanted, opened up the post-season so half of all MLB teams could compete for their shot at the pennant. Read the full story

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Pittsburgh Pirates “Sorry”; Promise to Stop Winning


Today, the front office of the Pittsburgh Pirates made a formal apology to Major League Baseball and all of its fans for having such a successful 2011 season so far.

“We’re ashamed to say that, this year, we haven’t done a good job sticking to our reputation of finishing in last place in the division,” manager Clint Hurdle said in a press conference. Read the full story

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Alternative Gifting Ideas for Your Single Dad


Ok, kids, let’s look at the whole gift-giving thing for dad on Father’s Day in a completely different light. Face it, your dad has all the ties he needs, it’s summertime and therefore, too hot for slippers or a robe, and he prefers to pick out his own socks and underwear. So, what would be some practical gifts for the man who is in charge of taking care of you, the other kid in the household? Read the full story

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McGwire Admits to Using Prayer to Gain Competitive Edge


NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — During a fifty-minute interview with Bob Costas on the MLB Network yesterday, former St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire confessed tearfully that he had turned to prayer in order to treat injuries that had kept him off the field repeatedly in the early 1990s. Read the full story

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