Tag Archive | "Basketball"

Lebron James Jr. Will Suit Up for Cavs

Lebron James will suit up for the Cavaliers as soon as possible. Lebron James Jr., that is.

The son of the best player in the NBA will be replacing his injured father in the lineup for the next few weeks.

LBJJ is a star player on his youth team and is ready to take it to the next level. Rather than wait to be drafted in ten years, the young star will sign as a free agent with the Cavs. Read the full story


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Dennis Rodman Admits He May Have Tiger Blood Also

Dennis Rodman is in rehab. Big surprise after his latest trip to North Korea. Yeah, he got drunk, big whup. He was probably high as well on some good Korean ganga too. Anything papasan want? Anything? You name it Joe, we get for you.

“Yeah, I want the biggest-ass bottle of sake you got and a bowl-ful of that Korean home grown, thanks kindly, Kim.”

And then this, “You know man, I am like so Charlie Sheen-ing right now. I swear I got tiger blood.”

You want holang-i pi? Joe? Tiger blood. Get Joe some tiger blood.

“No, no man, my blood, it’s like…oh never mind.”

[takes another hit off the makeshift bong made from an old piece of pipe and some rice paper]

“What was I saying? Oh yea, Tiger Woods, no…wait yeah, I wanna go golfing. You got clubs?”

Oh yeah, Joe, we got clubs, and rockets, nuclear ones, better than clubs, clubs are for suckers.

“No, no, man, c’mon, give peace a chance. Golf, I want to go golfing…”

No, Joe, we don’t have golf here, fees to club are too expensive. Damn Americans. Sorry Joe, present company excluded.

“Uh, okay then, I think Imma head back over to the states and soak in a hot tub someplace where they know what the hell golf is or whatevahhhh.”

[Takes one last hit off the bong and finishes up the sake before laying back on the comfy floor mattress and lets out a little roar, more like a yawn, really, and crashes for the night.]


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Dennis Rodman Found Drunk Face Down in Pyongyang Alley

PYONGYANG, N. KOREA – Dennis Rodman is alive and, at present, sober after being found face down in a small mud puddle in an alleyway adjacent to the Pyongyang stadium where he sang “Happy Birthday” to N. Korean leader Kim Jong Un on Wednesday.

Sources close to Rodman claim the washed up basketball player drank heavily the night of his birthday tribute. Rodman found out the hard way that in North Korea, if you drink heavily, you are on your own, regardless of whether or not you resemble Marilyn Monroe in any way. Read the full story


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Dennis Rodman Fails to Arrive at Kim Jong Un Palace

Pyongyang, N. Korea – Dennis Rodman reportedly sent a look-alike imposter in his place to supreme leader, Kim Jong Un’s palace Thursday. The leader of N. Korea is said to be hopping mad and may be readying the execution squad yet another time this month.

“He promise he come back see me, bring many, many good basketball player. He no show up,” Jong Un was quoted as saying after throwing a lavish party consisting of the one chicken left in the state larders, along with two cucumbers and a spaghetti squash left over from the summer harvest. Read the full story


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Dennis Rodman Missing After Jang Song Thaek’s Execution

Although the mainstream media is reporting that Dennis Rodman is still planning on traveling to North Korea next week to begin training North Korea’s basketball team, no one close to Rodman has seen him since the execution of Kim Jong Un’s uncle, Jang Song Thaek Friday.

Friends close to Rodman claim that he has not been heard from since early Friday morning, and his own personal trainer says he did not show up at the gym as usual Friday afternoon. Read the full story


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College Basketball Players Still Waiting on Endorsement Deals

College Basketball is great, no two ways about it. It has as much competitive spirit as any sport, athletes who will be in the big time in no time, and everything else you’d want… except compensation. John Calipari, coach at the University of Kentucky, earns a cool $4 million dollar salary. This Wildcat took his team to the final four with his amazing team. The top paid player earned a grand total of $0 between salary and product endorsements, but he made up for it with hustle. Read the full story


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CDC Announces Lower Cases Of Linsainty in 2013

Atlanta – The Center for Disease Control announced today that the terrible fever of Linsanity that swept New York City last year has finally subsided.

Doctors say they feared the disease would spread to Houston, but were relived to find the disease had not spread.

“There were legitimate fears that Linsanity would be across the country by now,” says lead lab analyst Caprice Jenkins. “After Jeremy Lin’s trade to Houston, we thought for sure we’d find it there. Not to mention, every one in this office thought he would be traded long before the deadline, obviously increasing the chances of the infection spreading to another major metropolitan area.”

RIGHT: Jeremy Lin spreads Linsanity simply by touching basketballs (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

The CDC ensured certain measures were taken to limit the potentially devastating effects of Linsanity, although some things were a happy accident.

“Thankfully the people of Houston don’t care for basketball,” explains Dr. Thomas Freiden. “Even the people who are in the Toyota Center at the same time as Jeremy Lin tend to be texting, having a conversation with those around, or eating. This results in a limited exposure to Jeremy Lin, which has reduced cases of Linsanity indefinitely.”

When asked about the possibility of future contamination, Dr. Frieden responded by saying “Absolutely. These things are bound to pop up from time to time. I’m sure the Rockets can find a better starting point guard. How do you think James Harden feels? Westbrook and Maynor for Lin? I’ve played some Harvard boys in five-on-five pick up games, and let me tell you, if Houston knows whats good for them, they’ll trade him.”

Despite Jeremy Lin’s above average numbers, and a seemingly coherent fast break system; experts say he is overpaid, and a collegiate prospect away from being on the move.

In the event of a possible trade for Jeremy Lin, the CDC reassured the public that they would be ready. What they hope for is that he will move to another city that has good basketball programs to attract him, but no media market share. Ideal places for Jeremy Lin to sink in to obscurity are Minneapolis and Milwaukee.


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Allen West concedes defeat– “All I want to do is dance.”

TALLAHASSEE–Allen West conceded today that life was way too short to sit back and count votes.

The defeated GOP incumbent congressman from Florida has decided instead to toss the political towel to newly elected Patrick Murphy, Democrat, freeing West to follow his life dream to become a member of the official University of Florida dance team, the Dazzlers. Read the full story


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New Lakers Stars Learn How to Pass the Ball to Kobe

Los Angeles, California- As the Olympic hype dies down and the Lakers’ newest acquisitions begin training for the upcoming season, all players seem to be eager to learn how to pass the ball to Kobe.

The two biggest new comers to the roster are Steve Nash and Dwight Howard, who are the most energetic about giving Kobe the ball.

Speculation rose after the retirement of Head Coach Phil Jackson, whose decorated NBA coaching career stemmed from his ability to get the ball in the most talented player’s hands.

RIGHT: A photo. I really don’t follow basketball. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

He successfully won six titles for Chicago by making sure Michael Jordan received the ball, and another five in Los Angeles by getting other members on the team to get the ball to Kobe Bryant.

Mike Brown, whose career depended on getting LeBron James the ball in Cleavland, was thought to have been the answer L.A. Was looking for, but after poor performance in the 2011 post-season, doubts remained.

“We just needed some more pieces to the puzzle. Some solid NBA stars that I know can triumphantly get Kobe the ball, and I think we found the right people for the job,” says Mike Brown at a recent press conference.

When asked about the training, Steve Nash explained, “this is the system I have been looking for. I’m a play maker and pretty sweet at soccer. I know a thing or two about passing.” He added, “I’m just glad to take all the shooting pressure off me. I’ve been promised so many times that I could just set up plays for a star scorer and collect a check, and now I can finally just be along for the ride.”

“I feel confident in Mike Brown’s system,” said newly acquired center Dwight Howard. “I feel like he can carry the Lakers torch like all of the other great Lakers coaches. It is a legacy that began with people passing the ball to Magic Johnson. Phil [Jackson] made sure Kobe got the ball, and now Mike Brown is using his patented “King James” offense, but instead, passing the ball to Kobe Bryant. I feel like this will be a good fit.”

Former coach Phil Jackson wrote in a press conference that the key to his success was making sure he had the right people in place to get the ball to Bryant. He expressed his approval for Mike Browns proven coaching methods and believes Brown has gotten a roster that can adequately get Bryant the ball.

Sports journalists all over the country have set the Internet ablaze with scathing criticisms of various organizations in the NBA for hoarding star players instead of focusing on one star player.

Most of the complaints center around lament of a bygone era where one dominant player rules the court. With various teams around the league stacking star players, it leaves some sports fans skeptical of weather or not the new Lakers’ set-up will be able to get Kobe Bryant the ball.


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LeBron Mural Removed, to be Replaced by “Real” Clevelander

CLEVELAND, Ohio (GlossyNews) — The 10-story billboard of LeBron James that dominates Ontario Street in downtown Cleveland is being removed by the Nike company, which had sponsored the huge mural. According to a Nike spokesman, “We are removing the LeBron James Witness mural in downtown Cleveland and expect the process to be completed within a few days.” Read the full story


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March Madness: Entire Basketball Team Really Goes Mad

Indianapolis, IN (GlossyNews) — Stunned NCAA officials are scrambling this afternoon as they attempt to deal with 16 stark raving mad college basketball players running amok across downtown Indianapolis. Read the full story


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All White American Basketball League Hoping To Grace Southern States

Sometimes a story comes along that contains such overtly racist remarks that are so darned over the top that to try and rewrite it to fit within a satirical framework would do a great injustice to the story itself. This is such a story. Every name, every quote is real, and I repeat, this is not satire. However, I also want to point out that as racist as this story comes across, it appears to be a sad attempt by a sad boxing promoter to grab some attention for his flagging basketball franchise business at the expense of black basketball players everywhere. Read the full story


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Building Overtakes Basketball… Poms Excel

The Women of Notre Dame officially opened their basketball season on the 15th against unranked University of Arkansas-Pine Bluff at the newly renovated Purcell Pavilion of the Joyce Athletic and Convocation Center. The 102 to 57 rout of UAPB was overshadowed by the shortcomings of the new facility, despite the stellar performance of freshman sensation Skyhook Digme, including her dive into the stands to save a ball. Read the full story


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