Tag Archive | "apple"

Busy Tech Execs Boost Productivity, Put Children On Ice


When LaShonda Martinez’s boss first offered to freeze her three-year-old son, the programmer was aghast. “I was all like, you want to do what? But then, once they explained themselves, I was all like, yeah, maybe.”

In light of recent benefits offered by tech giants Google and Facebook to freeze employees embryos, Washington-based Microsoft revealed that not only had they a similar policy in place, but that they would actually place already born babies and toddlers into suspended animation as to not interfere with their employee’s workloads. Read the full story

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Apple to Remotely Disable All iPhone 4S Models and Older 7 Days After iPhone 6 Release


CALIFORNIA: In a statement released today by Apple CEO Tim Cook, all iPhone models 4S and older are scheduled to be shut down and remotely wiped seven days after the release of the iPhone 6 on September 9th.

“Customers who have resisted upgrading to our exciting and new technology need to catch up to the rest of us, and we are requiring these individuals to experience our leap in innovation by September 16th,” said Cook.

“I mean, so much has changed since our 4S model. Personally, I can’t even begin to imagine how these people live their daily lives with the traditional 30 pin charging connector or a pathetic VGA front-facing camera.” Read the full story

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Apple’s iOS 7 to Feature Impressive, Radically Redesigned Glitches


CUPERTINO, CALIF — Apple recently unveiled the new iOS 7 operating system, which CEO Tim Cook is hailing as “the most radical redesign of iOS glitches since the iPhone was invented.”

According to Apple’s VP of Software Engineering, Leonard Umbrage, “Installing iOS 7 on your phone is like getting an entirely new phone, but one with which you’re already completely exasperated. It’s like an old friend with a new drug problem: truly astounding!” Read the full story

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Consumers Wowed by PNC “Free iPad” Promotion


Consumer circles are going wild over a new promotion being offered by PNC Bank to first-time clients who opt to open an account with the nationwide financial company.

Anyone who pays a non-refundable, $700 bank fee under the promotion is eligible to receive an Apple iPad, absolutely free of charge.

“What we are shooting for here is great value in every new customer’s experience with PNC Bank,” said Mark Maners, PNC’s chief marketing operative. Read the full story

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Apple/Reddit Lawsuit: Biden Too Good for Kitty PrAwN$?


Apple today filed suit against the popular user community site Reddit over the use of a picture of Joe Biden during the vice-presidential debate.

Apple believes that they were first to claim use of the image as the logo for their Facetime application.

Reddit on the other hand, believes they were first to claim it for use as the avatar for their thread of, how shall we put this delicately, “pictures of teenage girls”. Read the full story

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Romney’s Economic Plan Is Right Direction For America, According to Apple Maps


Cupertino, CA – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s plan for restoring the U.S. economy will lead to a new era of high employment and prosperity for the nation, according to Apple’s new iOS 6 based Maps app.

By entering Mr. Romney’s plans for lowering taxes on the wealthy and eliminating government regulation into their Maps app, users of the new iPhone 5 are able to view America’s future rosy position at the top of the world’s economies. Read the full story

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Greece Patents The Wheel


After Apple successfully suing Samsung for sharing the patented rectangle shape, the country of Greece has sought to ease their ongoing financial crisis by patenting the wheel.

The country could only manage to gain a patent over the everyday object in America were the US patent office stretches the very definition of the guidelines for a ‘novel and non-obvious idea’.

A spokesperson for the US patent office said that, in the case of Apple, the curving edges of the rectangular phone were so unique that they had to give Apple the patent. Read the full story

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iPhone 5 Replaces All of Your Personal Relationships


SAN FRANCISCO- In a groundbreaking statement issued to press, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that the new iPhone will “replace all of your loved ones and cherished relationships.”

The phone and features were announced earlier this week, already prompting some to begin distancing themselves with their loved ones in preparation for the release of the phone later on in September. Read the full story

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The iPhone 6


Consumer research has found that people are already anticipating the arrival of the iPhone 6.

It would seem that customers cannot wait to buy the iPhone 6 and have been putting off their upgrade to the iPhone 5, which was launched last week.

The Internet is already abuzz with rumours about what the iPhone 6 will be able to do. Some bloggers are speculating about the availability of 10G, which will build heavily on 4G, once it is invented. Read the full story

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Apple Announces New Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn


Cupertino, CA – Apple Inc. today announced the next generation of their rainbow-crapping unicorn, the “Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn 5.”

The name surprised the entire unicorn-blogging world after wide speculation that the latest Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn would be called the Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn 6 or the New Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn HD Super Plus.

As expected, Apple’s stock price benefited from the announcement and rose so fast that every single recession the nation has ever seen was deleted from the history books. Read the full story

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Steve Jobs returns as Hologram


Apple Inc. announced today its founder did not ‘go gentle into that good night.’ Instead, Steve re-booted. Developer Etta Place told reporters, “We don’t hawk that ‘quantum leap forward’ jazz; we’re not Microsoft. Our work speaks for itself. What we’ve accomplished is Virtual Cloning.”

Ms. Place went on to explain VC had been a 2019 scheduled product release, but Job’s final contribution was leadership of the accelerated development timetable. Read the full story

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Communicate with Ghosts? There’s an App for That


Raleigh NC – GlossyNews.com – For unemployed twentysomething Reginald J Wainsborough the good news was that when his Uncle Harley died a month ago he left Reginald a diamond brooch worth $1 million. The bad news was that Uncle Harley’s will neglected to mention where the brooch was stored. That left Reginald hiring an expensive P.I. to track down the brooch.

“I was fairly sure it was in a safe deposit box,” says Reginald. “But the P.I. couldn’t find one in Uncle Harley’s name anywhere in the U.S. I was getting desperate. That brooch was my sole source of income or potential income and I could not find it. Read the full story

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God Releases His Bible Tablet Beta 0.92


MT. ARARAT, ISRAEL —GlossyNews In a rather earth-shaking display today, God has brought the Burning World Bible Tablet to “My People on earth”, as he said in a poorly attended news conference called by Pope B*dict XVI by teleconference from the Vatican’s Starbucks. Read the full story

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IQ of iPhone 4 Buyers Related to Place in Line at iPhone Sale


Tawdry Soup has found the IQ level of iPhone 4 purchasers is directly related to the place in line each person had when the portable phones went on sale, and the figures are surprising.

In the survey, administered as Tawdry Soup walked down the line that snaked around the block from the local Apple electronics store, a field IQ test asked some basic questions such as, “Does Christmas and New Year’s Day ever fall in the same year and Who is the President of the United States?” Read the full story

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Apple Developing Drone Phones for Use While Driving


CUPERTINO, California – (Glossy News) Already iPhone 4 owners are being pulled over by the thousands and ticketed for using their new multi-tasking phones while driving, an illegal act in most states. Iphone 4 owners are complaining to Apple that they are finding it necessary to buy two, sometimes three replacement iphone 4’s due to having them confiscated by police officers. They are crying out to Apple to do something about it. Read the full story

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Chinese Government Says Yes to I-Ching, No to iPhone 4


BEIJING, China (GlossyNews) — Although the Chinese government has allowed consumers in Mainland China to own earlier versions of the iPhone, they are now cracking down saying that the iPhone 4 is too advanced and could bring more harm than good to the government and its citizens.

While Apple’s international sales force has been quick to point out that the iPhone 4 is far less superior than the ads let on, their reverse sales pitch is going nowhere. Read the full story

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