Apple Inc. announced today its founder did not ‘go gentle into that good night.’ Instead, Steve re-booted. Developer Etta Place told reporters, “We don’t hawk that ‘quantum leap forward’ jazz; we’re not Microsoft. Our work speaks for itself. What we’ve accomplished is Virtual Cloning.”

Ms. Place went on to explain VC had been a 2019 scheduled product release, but Job’s final contribution was leadership of the accelerated development timetable. Read the full story

Raleigh NC – GlossyNews.com – For unemployed twentysomething Reginald J Wainsborough the good news was that when his Uncle Harley died a month ago he left Reginald a diamond brooch worth $1 million. The bad news was that Uncle Harley’s will neglected to mention where the brooch was stored. That left Reginald hiring an expensive P.I. to track down the brooch.

“I was fairly sure it was in a safe deposit box,” says Reginald. “But the P.I. couldn’t find one in Uncle Harley’s name anywhere in the U.S. I was getting desperate. That brooch was my sole source of income or potential income and I could not find it. Read the full story

MT. ARARAT, ISRAEL —GlossyNews In a rather earth-shaking display today, God has brought the Burning World Bible Tablet to “My People on earth”, as he said in a poorly attended news conference called by Pope B*dict XVI by teleconference from the Vatican’s Starbucks. Read the full story

Tawdry Soup has found the IQ level of iPhone 4 purchasers is directly related to the place in line each person had when the portable phones went on sale, and the figures are surprising.

In the survey, administered as Tawdry Soup walked down the line that snaked around the block from the local Apple electronics store, a field IQ test asked some basic questions such as, “Does Christmas and New Year’s Day ever fall in the same year and Who is the President of the United States?” Read the full story

CUPERTINO, California – (Glossy News) Already iPhone 4 owners are being pulled over by the thousands and ticketed for using their new multi-tasking phones while driving, an illegal act in most states. Iphone 4 owners are complaining to Apple that they are finding it necessary to buy two, sometimes three replacement iphone 4’s due to having them confiscated by police officers. They are crying out to Apple to do something about it. Read the full story

BEIJING, China (GlossyNews) — Although the Chinese government has allowed consumers in Mainland China to own earlier versions of the iPhone, they are now cracking down saying that the iPhone 4 is too advanced and could bring more harm than good to the government and its citizens.

While Apple’s international sales force has been quick to point out that the iPhone 4 is far less superior than the ads let on, their reverse sales pitch is going nowhere. Read the full story

Cupertino, Ca (GlossyNews) — In what seemed to be a case of apparent carelessness on the part of an alleged Apple employee a next generation iPad was reported lost — eventually found — in a parking lot.

A leading technology Weblog about consumer electronics reportedly bought the next iPad from a piss drunk seventeen year old high school kid sobering up before he could drive himself home. Read the full story

Des Plains, IL (GlossyNews) — A Park Ridge, IL wedding party turned to disaster when an iPhone user died and three more suffered minor burns after the man inadvertently opened a volatile combination of iPhone apps. Ray Lipton, 35, of Elmhurst was pronounced dead at the scene.

“Ray was showing me his new ‘Gas Pump’ app and it seemed to be working fine until the pump started overfilling the gas tank,” Tanya Damperling, Lipton’s date, sobbed as she recalled the terrible accident.

“There was gas all over the place and Ray was doing his best to turn the pump off, but the ‘Drop your cigarette and squash it with your foot’ app opened up instead. Read the full story

CUPERTINO, CA (GlossyNews) — Jerry York, Apple director and long-time adviser to billionaire investor Kirk Kerkorian, has died. Sources at Apple Inc broke the news on Thursday.

York joined Apple’s board of directors in 1997, a time when most consumers and analysts doubted the company’s future. Read the full story

CUPERTINO, CA (GlossyNews) — Steve Jobs, co-founder and CEO of Apple Inc., proudly took the podium yesterday at the company’s headquarters for a surprise product announcement.

“The wait is over;” proclaimed Jobs, “I proudly give you the ‘Is It Raining?’ app!” Read the full story

Addressing a press conference at his corporate headquarters in California’s Silicone Valley, Steve Jobs, the company founder of Crapple, announced today that they has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

This is further being considered a major social breakthrough due the fact whingeing women are forever complaining about men staring at their boobs and yet never listening to them. Read the full story

French consumer groups are investigating a disturbing bout of recent reports concerning iPhone 3GS models that have exploded or burst into flames spontaneously. Read the full story

Apple/Macintosh, long the personal computer choice of lesbians, has unveiled their long-anticipated iPenis, the USB dildo built for interactive dyke e-erotica games and programs that can only run on the power of a Mac. Read the full story