Author: derisive duck
“This Page Intentionally Left Blank”
Boca Raton, Fla. (Wall Street Journal) Malcombe (Mel) Rebbit, inventor and founder of “This Page Intentionally Left Blank,” was found deceased in his car in the Harris Teeter parking lot last Tuesday. Boca Raton police issued a statement that his…
Obama’s First Debate Loss; Foul Odor
GlossyNews.com – President Obama and the Democratic National Committee, in a surprising press release yesterday, accused presidential candidate Mitt Romney of intentionally dousing himself in Aqua Velva aftershave just before the Denver presidential debate with the intent of throwing the…
V.P. Candidate Paul Ryan’s ‘Perfect Game’ Story Challenged
Janesville, Wisconsin. While attending a Washington National’s baseball game last week, Representative and Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan, chosen to throw out the game’s first pitch, told the cheering crowd at Nationals Park that this reminded him of the time…
Wall Street Puzzled as Starbucks Expands Into Hospice
SEATTLE, WA. At their annual shareholders meeting in Seattle last week, Starbucks Coffee Company made the startling announcement of a new alliance between Starbucks and the Hospice Foundation of America. Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz, told an excited latte-infused crowd of…
Romney Reaches out to Women Voters… From Behind
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE MITT ROMNEY REACHES OUT TO WOMEN. Trailing President Obama by more than 16 points among potential women voters, Mitt Romney announced a new and dramatic three-point outreach strategy to increase his appeal to women. Noting recent research from…
Exclusive interview with Chase CEO Jaime Dimon
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH JP MORGAN CHASE CEO JAIME DIMON by Derisive Duck senior business editor. Derisive Duck: “Mr. Dimon, may I call you Jaime?” Dimon: “No.” DD: “Please explain to our readers, Mr. Dimon, how your bank could lose more…
SpongeBob Confirms Gay Rumors
HOLLYWOOD, CA. SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET. Under pressure from media and various Christian organizations, SpongeBob Squarepants, in a rare public appearance yesterday from his home in Bikini Bottom, confirmed the many rumors circulating about his sexual orientation….
Mexican Drug Cartel Goes Public
Wall Street, N.Y. – Joaquin Guzman, leader and CEO of the Sinaloa Drug Cartel, the largest and one of the most powerful drug cartels in the world, has initiated an IPO (Initial Public Offering) underwritten by the investment bank, Goldman…
Military to Balance Budget via Naming Rights
Because of severe military budget reductions, the MetLife Defense Department has begun selling naming rights to major military weapons systems and installations. The AT&T Pentagon, contacted by a senior military correspondent yesterday, said they expect to make millions from corporations…