Categorized | Biz News, Crime

Mexican Drug Cartel Goes Public

Mexican Drug Cartel Goes Public

Wall Street, N.Y. – Joaquin Guzman, leader and CEO of the Sinaloa Drug Cartel, the largest and one of the most powerful drug cartels in the world, has initiated an IPO (Initial Public Offering) underwritten by the investment bank, Goldman Sachs.

Derisive Duck senior business analyst spoke with Goldman Chief Financial Officer and new markets specialist, David Farth II, who said that he expected the public offering of Sinaloa stock would raise about US$ 13 billion. The stock is expected open at about US$16 per share and will be listed on the NASDAQ Stock Market under the name, METH, Inc.

Guzman, known by his friends and enemies as “El Chapo,” is ranked by Forbes as one of the most powerful men in the world. Guzman, speaking to Derisive Duck senior narcotics correspondent from his heavily fortified rancho near Guadalajara, said the proceeds will be used to diversify the cartel’s equity base, increase liquidity, pay down debt and expand into new markets without having to behead the competition and hang their corpses from telephone poles. “Through equity participation,” said Guzman.

“We will be better able to retain valued employees without resorting to intimidation and torture.” Goldman Sachs, in a statement released yesterday, said, “the Sinaloa Cartel, as a leader in drug trafficking, money laundering, kidnapping, murder and extortion, offers our investors a unique opportunity to participate in these highly lucrative and growing market sectors.

“Sinaloa is already extremely profitable with a growing world-wide customer base. We think our investors would do well to include Sinaloa in their investment portfolios.”

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This post was written by

- who has written 9 posts on GlossyNews.com.

I've always enjoyed writing satire. This crazy world provides fresh material every day. I live with my wife and labradoddle in California. My work can be seen at DerisiveDuck.com.

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2 Responses to “Mexican Drug Cartel Goes Public”

  1. rfreed says:

    That puts them on a par with most of the rest of Wall Street.
    Watch- they’ll be getting a taxpayer bailout soon too.

  2. Brian K. White says:

    But no comment about the photo?

    Internet, I am disappoint.

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