Author: Benjamin Cain
Trump Orders Obama’s Presidency be Stricken from the Historical Record
Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C. (Crazy Town)–President Trump signed an executive order, commanding that every sign be erased, that Barack Obama had been president. Trump ordered the military to destroy everything from stamps bearing Obama’s facial likeness, to news recordings of Obama’s…
CIA Digs up Dirt on President Trump, Forms New Planet
Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.–In response to President-elect Donald Trump’s denigrating the American intelligence community, the CIA dug up a planet of dirt on Trump, altering the Earth’s gravitational field. The American intelligence community was united in its assessment that Russia hacked…
President Trump Confined to White House, Refusing to Take Revolving Door
Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.–After much legal wrangling, President-elect Donald Trump and his children, Ivanka, Eric and Donald Jr. divested themselves of their holdings in the Trump Organization and in Trump’s dozens of other companies so that they could carry out their…
American Hypocrisy Fuels Interdimensional Starship
Dateline: WATERLOO–A team of scientists and engineers at the Perimeter Institute in Waterloo, Ontario has invented a technique for converting American leaders’ hypocrisy into fuel to power an interdimensional starship. Thorsten Dillydally, leader of the team of researchers, was led…
Newscasters Normalize their Relations with Our Alien Overlord Tromp
Major media personalities strive to retain their credibility after being forced to appear naked on television by our alien overlord Tromp. Tromp, the mastermind of the invasion from Pluto, created mass panic when he landed in the United States in…
Republicans Praised for Reducing Stigma for Psychopaths
Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.–The National Institute of Mental Health congratulated the Republican Party for helping to accustom Americans to those with mental illness, by elevating obvious psychopaths to positions of high office. Doctor Fernando Lamas, chairman of the Institute, said at…
Man Discovers Awful Truth, Shames Mass Media
WASHINGTON, D.C. 2017—Gerald Humphrey’s profound discovery began when he realized the American mainstream media’s treatment of Donald Trump’s Republican campaign for the presidency contrasted sharply with reality. “CNN, the Associated Press, the New York Times, and all the other major…
Republicans Vanish in Puffs of Smoke When called Evil
Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats are rejoicing after the Republican population has shrunk by nearly two thirds because its opponents have discovered a technique for making the conservatives literally disappear. Hugh Bloomfeld, the technique’s originator, recalls his Eureka moment. “My right-wing sister…
Sole Survivor of a Flurry of Mass Shootings Opposes Firearms Regulation
Even as the rate of all other gun-related crimes had been decreasing in the United States for decades, the rate of mass shootings had steadily increased as gun show loopholes were found to circumvent bans on assault rifles, mental health…
U.S. Steps Up Iraq’s Military Training by Attaching American Heads to Iraqi Bodies
Dateline: ARLINGTON COUNTY—American military officials order surgical attachment of American soldiers’ heads to the bodies of Iraqi soldiers to improve Iraq’s military training. Prior efforts to train democratic Iraq’s military have been stymied. Instead of fighting Islamic State insurgents, Iraq’s…