Author: Benjamin Cain
Man With Skin Cancer Loathes Doctors, Dies Without Medical Treatment
Dateline: NEW JERSEY—Morris Berbowski, a 53 year-old man, died from skin cancer after refusing to be treated by any doctor for seven years, because he couldn’t find one who wasn’t “a condescending douchebag.” He was constantly mistreated by medical professionals,…
American Voter Turnout Shrinks to Six People in 2028
In the year 2028, voter turnout fell in the United States to such an extent that only six people voted in that year’s presidential election. The winner, Republican Lee Dumbluck, received three of the six votes, while the Democrat received…
Russian Intelligence Operative Reveals why Putin Helped Elect Donald Trump
Dateline: MOSCOW—Russian intelligence operative admits to meeting with Donald Trump and with members of his inner circle during the 2016 presidential campaign, to explain to the Americans that Putin wanted Trump to beat Hillary Clinton because Trump is a colossal…
The United States Successfully Imprisons All of its Citizens
In the year 2024, the United States perfected its prison industry by imprisoning all of its citizens, including the judges, lawyers, and police. Trials thereafter occurred within prison cells, as did all other business and family matters.
“Inappropriate,” the Power Elite’s Ubiquitous Euphemism!
Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—Experts discover that American politicians, pundits, and journalists frequently say “That’s not appropriate” when they really mean, “I want to tear out your intestines and strangle you with them for doing that.” Leslie Montague, psychologist at Pick Your…
Comedians Replace Democrats to Oppose Psycho Clown Republicans
To address the challenge presented by the new Republican Party, the Democratic Party has been replaced by a bevy of comedians. The challenge began in 2017 when President Donald Trump made psychopathy cool. Henceforth the Republicans became informally known as…
Psychiatrists Reach Opposite Conclusions About President Trump’s Mental Health
Dateline: NEW YORK CITY—On Monday, Feb 15, the New York Times published a letter signed by 37 psychiatrists who expressed severe doubts about President Trump’s mental health. Trump “appears to have had the fragile mind of a two-year old implanted…
DNC Discovers Secret of Transformational Leadership
Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—A Democratic National Committee taskforce concluded its investigation into how Donald Trump has managed to be a transformational president.
Coalition of a Hundred Countries goes to War for Regime Change in the United States
Dateline: MOSCOW, Year Three After Trump—Three years into Trump’s presidency, a “new coalition of the willing,” of over a hundred countries led by Russia, China, and Europe declared war on Trump’s “rogue regime,” citing in a public statement: “the lunacy…
Sign on Trump’s Lapel Provides Running Tally of his Lies
President Trump’s staff fastened a digital sign to Trump’s lapel whenever Trump has been set to speak to the media, to stop reporters from having to flail about, guessing whether the president is lying. “It started because I got annoyed…