DISASTER: Just When You Thought 2020 Couldn’t Get Any Worse, Circus Peanut Butter

In a cruel twist of fate, Spangler Candy Company announced it would begin an all-out campaign of inhumane gustatory warfare upon the tastebuds of the American public with the release of their newest product, circus peanut butter. Made from semi-liquified circus peanut creme and the souls of the damned, the substance contains near-lethal levels of high-fructose corn syrup and possesses the nutritional value of boiled styrofoam. According to the FDA, the consumption of circus peanuts is ill-advised, with one dietician at their Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition commenting, “it would be safer and, perhaps, more beneficial to one’s overall health to inject black tar heroin into your jugular artery and proceed to drive a Lamborghini without brakes through a school zone at 3:05 PM than to eat even a dollop of this hellacious concoction.” Sources report that Spangler hopes to cap off America’s exceptionally miserable year with what they have dubbed “2020’s magnum opus.”

A spokesperson for Spangler, Maria Jacobs, addressed the media following the company’s announcement. “We here at Spangler,” she began, “have endured countless years of you ungrateful schmucks cracking jokes about the abominable taste of circus peanuts. Thus, we decided it would be nice to kick you sacks of lard while you’re down and give you a real sample of hell. The dark side never tasted so sweet!” Jacobs also informed reporters that Satan himself had provided Spangler with the initial capital to fund their product launch. When asked when Spangler would relent with regard to their vicious campaign against the American public, Jacobs smiled before pulling a large lever adjacent to her podium that opened a trap door beneath the journalist’s seat. He was subsequently swallowed by the darkness that lay beneath the trap door and could be heard for screaming in existential agony for several minutes as what sounded like famished crocodiles dismembered his body. No further questions were asked and the briefing concluded with the spokeswoman bellowing “Heil Hydra” as banners of the Chinese Communist Party unfurled all around the room and the imperial march began playing.

Experts expect cheerfulness this holiday season to plummet to all-time lows, with little chance of improvement so long as the product remains on store shelves nationwide. Meanwhile, the US Department of Defense is seeking approval to by-pass article 17 of the geneva convention in order to feed circus peanut butter to future POWs.

Author: A.M. Reyes

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