JERUSALEM, ISRAEL- The team of archeologists who discovered new Dead Sea Scroll fragments have launched the contents in the form of a DLC as a Bible expansion pack.
“The holy scripture is 1700 years overdue for some new content,” a press release from the archeologists stated. “We’re excited to announce that we will be adding new storylines, weapon upgrades, maps, and special abilities for biblical figures.” Readers now have the option to read about Jesus storming the temple and driving out the money changers with an M203 grenade launcher and Paul engaging in a 1v1 death match with Buddha.
The news received a great deal of negative reactions from Bible enthusiasts. “Protestantism basically turned our holy book into a choose your own adventure game, this just further cements that concept,” stated one disgruntled Roman Catholic. Others lamented the high cost and unoriginality, with one reviewer who rated the new fragments one out of five stars writing that it “would have been a better usage of my $70 to have burnt it at the stake” and that “this is a total flop; nothing cool was added.”
Many have also complained that the DLC offers little theological depth for such a steep price tag, noting that new doctrine such as reincarnation, virgin concubines in the afterlife, and the ability to attain a higher level of spiritual conciousness or awakening as seen in other popular religions were not featured at all. “The biggest disappointment of all,” said avid Bible fan and theologian John MacArthur, “was that it doesn’t even answer some of the biggest biblical questions. Sure, a camo skin for Moses is all good, turning Jeremiah into a cyborg was neat, and I love the new map for Cyprus is Acts, but it would’ve been way cooler if they’d given us a clear resolution for the filloque or the dispute over OSAS.”