CIA Worried Legal Marijuana and Drug Business May Cut Its Smuggling Profits

MCLEAN, VA– The CIA was seen in a state of deep anxiety, pacing the floor of The George Bush Center for Intelligence in a sweat-soaked shirt and unruly beard. This was the first time since the day after November 3rd’s election that the CIA was seen at all. After it was revealed that legal marijuana won on every single state ballot it was on and that Oregon voters opted to decriminalize all drugs, the Central Intelligence Agency (an organization that has dominated the drug trade since the Regan-era) went into apparent hiding. Sources close to the government agency note that the news sent it into a state of deep, inconsolable depression knowing it was being hit with a double-gut punch no longer being able to brutally crackdown on poor, African American weed dealers in the majority of states and now having to compete with legal drug businesses in a majority of states.

When asked for comment on the matter, the FBI reportedly told journalists that “it’s bad, real, real bad.” The Federal Bureau of Investigation continued, “After the socialists were reelected in Bolivia and CIA’s puppet regime was ousted, he went through a serious bout of somberness. Right as he was starting to perk up, Oregon’s decision to decriminalize all drugs just totally pimp-slapped him. Poor guy.” Echoing the CIA’s misery, the DEA distraughtly tweeted “Man, screw 2020,” after election night. This tweet was followed up by “Ay yo ATF, you got any Hennessy?” The ATF, presumably due to its lack of Hennessey, did not respond.

Some are speculating that the famed “Cocaine Importation Agency” may have to perform a complete overhaul of its business model if the current trend toward drug decriminalization and legalization continues. “I highly recommend selling armaments to human rights violators,” said the Pentagon, also adding that “couping the state governments” was “a possibility that shouldn’t be ruled out.” President Trump released a message standing in solidarity with the CIA, mentioning that he is musing using the Central Intelligence Agency to funnel money to future terrorist organizations in an effort to keep the service afloat for the near future.

Author: A.M. Reyes

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