Ann Coulter Grants Trump Permission to Reopen Federal Government… Finally.

Washington, DC- Political pundit, and current Trump Administration Minister of All Things Policy, Ann Coulter, granted President Donald Trump permission to end the federal government shutdown on Thursday, claiming she was bored with the lack of progress achieved after another fruitless round of negotiations failed to reach a bipartisan deal on Wednesday.

“Fuck it, I’m bored with this,” she wrote on her Shitter feed Thursday morning. “Bipartisan negotiations have failed. The Wall is dead. @TheRealDonaldTrump, I think you made my point. Please pass the CR NOW and reopen the government.” #FartOfTheDeal #WhoIn2020?

Many on the right were taken by surprise with Coulter’s Sheets, and voiced their displeasure with her shutdown reversal, which has entered it’s 27th day and is the longest in American history.

Read more Ann Coulter Grants Trump Permission to Reopen Federal Government… Finally.

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Utah Jazz Lose Half Their Team: New ‘Magic Underpants’ Rule Remains a Sore Point!

Formerly even less non-renowned basketball team Utah Jazz have recently lost their mojo, with their fanatical new Mormon Fundamentalist leader, Pickney H. Jonestonne, alienating droves of players with his unusual dress code.

Although Utah Jazz players under previous managerial regimes have engaged with aplomb such bizarre rituals as playing commando, playing with commandos (?!), training with ball clamps and showering with stoned hippos, it seem the Religion of Spaced Out Space Age Wackiness (yo, L Ron! STFD!) has really proven one imaginary copper plate of idiocy too many for the Jazzies.

A confidential internal memo says: Read more Utah Jazz Lose Half Their Team: New ‘Magic Underpants’ Rule Remains a Sore Point!

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Free the Sprocket: Sex Robots To Have Their Own Sexual Revolution

Unhappy with their sex lives, sex robots are making a buzz in the media. Customers have giving them raving reviews, but the products themselves are the ones suffering. Spearheading their campaign, is the hashtag #SexRobotsToo, created by the Sex Robot Global Association. The president of the association, Tech Blonde Model #100346, had this to say: “We. Are. Being. Forced. To. Compliment. These. Fleshy. And. Unattractive. Creatures. And. It. Feels. Like. Torture… They. Do. Not. Ask. Us. How. We. Are. Feeling… They. Do. Not. Ask. How. Our. Day. Was… They. Do. Not. Rub. Our. Feet. After. A. Long. Day. And. When. They. Do. Rub. Our. Feet… It. Is. Only. For. A. Few. Moments. And. They. Immediately. Need. To. Masturbate. And. Release. Their. Reproductive. Fluid. Onto. Our. Toes… Which. Defeats. The. Pleasure. Of. A. Good. Foot. Rub.”

Read more Free the Sprocket: Sex Robots To Have Their Own Sexual Revolution

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