Ann Coulter Grants Trump Permission to Reopen Federal Government… Finally.

Donald Trump

Washington, DC- Political pundit, and current Trump Administration Minister of All Things Policy, Ann Coulter, granted President Donald Trump permission to end the federal government shutdown on Thursday, claiming she was bored with the lack of progress achieved after another fruitless round of negotiations failed to reach a bipartisan deal on Wednesday.

“Fuck it, I’m bored with this,” she wrote on her Shitter feed Thursday morning. “Bipartisan negotiations have failed. The Wall is dead. @TheRealDonaldTrump, I think you made my point. Please pass the CR NOW and reopen the government.” #FartOfTheDeal #WhoIn2020?

Many on the right were taken by surprise with Coulter’s Sheets, and voiced their displeasure with her shutdown reversal, which has entered it’s 27th day and is the longest in American history.

Fox News Host Sean Hannity posted on his Shitter account, “Very disappointed w/ @AnnCoulter’s Wall reversal. Ann, this guy will do anything we tell him to do. Don’t worry about the long term effects this shutdown is going to have on the party or the conservative movement. We already got the ratings, we just need The Wall. Immigrants are flooding in. No Wall = more drugs, more rapes, more murders.” #MAGA #PromisesKept

Popular Radio Host Rush Limbaugh ripped Coulter on his morning broadcast, “Ann Coulter, you should be ashamed of yourself. Never in the history of this great nation have we had a President so willing to bow to the demands of his own talking heads. We should be encouraging this guy to double down on The Wall, literally, by demanding $10 Billion instead of the five, not ending negotiations and reopening the government. This form of treachery will not be forgotten. You’re lucky that you only answer to extremists that covet disruption and destruction above all else, and not reasonable people. History will remember that when the movement needed you the most… you chose common sense over pointless theatrics.”

Fox News Host Tucker Carlson was less eloquent when he proclaimed on his Thursday night broadcast, “This isn’t fair. I want The fucking Wall. My viewers want The fucking Wall. Wall, wall, wall. Ann, please, for Pete’s sake, don’t give up. We need this. Wall, wall, wall.”

Despite the push-back, many on the right were quick to jump to Coulter’s defense.

Fox News Sunday host Chris Wallace wrote on Shitter, “@AnnCoulter, thank you for making your point. Now that we understand this situation is untenable, and that @TheRealDonaldTrump is neither willing, nor able to negotiate a deal or further propel The Agenda, we should definitely reopen the government. The voters in 2020 can decide how to proceed from here… and whom to proceed with.”

Fox News Host Laura Ingraham appeared visibly relieved on her Thursday night broadcast, as she threw her support behind Coulter as well. “Ann Coulter, we’ve had our differences in the past, but I want to take the time, here on air in front of my millions of viewers, to tell the world that you were right. This issue is a nonstarter for everyone but the base. There’s a difference between shame and embarrassment. We can all live with the shame, but embarrassment is not a good look on anyone. The President has shown us what he really is. It’s time for Conservatives to move on from this Con. Mike Pence… Grab a bat, you’re on deck.”

Coulter responded to the flurry of media responses on Shitter.

“Look, if I said it once, I’ve said it a million times… @TheRealDonaldTrump is a charlatan, and his snake oil is The Wall. He was never committed to our values. He’s neither a conservative, nor is he a liberal; he’s just a Conman. While his pliability makes him the ideal kind of (puppet) leader, his Ego prohibits him from toeing the line. We’ve encountered this situation time and time again.  Remember what happened last year when Congressional Republicans were on the verge of repelling Obamacare? Remember John McCain’s thumbs down vote? That vote was in the bag, but The President just couldn’t take yes for an answer. It’s time for us to cut this guy loose. We have about a year until the 2020 campaign season begins, and our brand needs some rehabilitation, and a new face going forward. I value border security as much as the next person, but at some point we have to ask ourselves; Do we want to win the battle, or do we want to win the war? I think you know where I stand.”#WinTheWar

This story is ongoing.

Author: Fort Nag

Ft. Nag is a poet and speculative satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA. "Real News and Fake News have become interchangeable in our world today. This probably won't help. Sorry."