Michael Jackson’s Updated Autopsy Results Released

Los Angeles, CA – (SatireWorld.com)

Dr. Rami Gushinari finally released to the public the official 25 page LA Coroner’s report on Michael Jackson. The ‘King of Pop’ died from a drug overdose and was laid to rest in Woodlawn Cemetery for the Elite and Pompous almost three and a half years ago.

A portion of the autopsy claims….”Mr. Jackson, age 50, expired June 25th, 2009 from a physical ailment known as ‘undescended testiclitist.’ Upon a sectioned autopsy, we found Mr. Jackson’s nuts wrapped around his vocal cords.” Read more Michael Jackson’s Updated Autopsy Results Released

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“Roof of My Mouth Feels Pruny” Says Man on Mushrooms

William Bergerson, a 22-year-old student at the University of Michigan, recently told this Glossy News reporter that the roof of his mouth “totally feels pruny.” He was tripping on mushrooms at the time, but insisted that had nothing to do with it.

“No, man” said Bergerson. “The mushrooms aren’t the thing. It’s just that I just now realized that the roof of my mouth feels totally pruny.” Adding, “It’s like it’s been in a pool too long.” Read more “Roof of My Mouth Feels Pruny” Says Man on Mushrooms

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Frustrated Voter Questions Paul Ryan’s Birth

Frustrated voter Dixon Notch of Plainville, Ohio has raised a complaint about Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan.

“I’ve got a problem with Mitt Romney’s pick of Paul Ryan,” said Notch. “It’s not Ryan’s right-wing conservative views on things like abortion and gay marriage that bother me or even his far right budget proposal comprising tax cuts for the rich and benefit cuts for everyone else. Heck, I can even accept that he’s a stupidly big fan of Ayn Rand.” Read more Frustrated Voter Questions Paul Ryan’s Birth

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