“Roof of My Mouth Feels Pruny” Says Man on Mushrooms

William Bergerson, a 22-year-old student at the University of Michigan, recently told this Glossy News reporter that the roof of his mouth “totally feels pruny.” He was tripping on mushrooms at the time, but insisted that had nothing to do with it.

“No, man” said Bergerson. “The mushrooms aren’t the thing. It’s just that I just now realized that the roof of my mouth feels totally pruny.” Adding, “It’s like it’s been in a pool too long.”

RIGHT: This is merely a visual approximation of what Mr. Bergerson was experiencing. This image came to me in an email, so the author credit is unknown. If you want to see his head literally spin around while he freaks the hell out then just CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE.

He paused a moment before adding, “Did I say just like three times just now? Woah, I just said ‘just’ again didn’t I?”

While looking for a seat amid a messy pile of old High Times magazines and empty DVD cases with missing discs, I met with a guy who, although I couldn’t confirm it, may have been Mr. Bergerson’s mushroom supplier. Seems he knew quite a bit about the subject of this article.

“His mouth is whatever he says it is,” he offered. “If he says it’s moony [sic] then you should check it out. He said that once and well, it’s still hard to talk about it to this day. Trust me, moony is not good. Neither is hairy peach.

Even though I was offered to “feel it [myself]”–with my fingers, of course–I opted instead to use a flashlight from the kitchen drawer. The results, however, were inconclusive. From my viewpoint, it looked more like rippled sands at low tide or a Ruffles potato chip. I saw nothing “pruny” up there.

A short while later I was strongly encouraged to leave due to the fact that I was told my head “looked like police,” though further clarification was not offered.

We’ll follow up on this story as more details become available.

Story also had contributions from P. Beckert.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

2 thoughts on ““Roof of My Mouth Feels Pruny” Says Man on Mushrooms

  1. Can these be made into brownies too? I’m not big on eating fungus, but if you can wrap it in chocolate I’m all in.

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