Michael Jackson’s Updated Autopsy Results Released

Los Angeles, CA – (SatireWorld.com)

Dr. Rami Gushinari finally released to the public the official 25 page LA Coroner’s report on Michael Jackson. The ‘King of Pop’ died from a drug overdose and was laid to rest in Woodlawn Cemetery for the Elite and Pompous almost three and a half years ago.

A portion of the autopsy claims….”Mr. Jackson, age 50, expired June 25th, 2009 from a physical ailment known as ‘undescended testiclitist.’ Upon a sectioned autopsy, we found Mr. Jackson’s nuts wrapped around his vocal cords.”

PHOTO INSERT: Michael spent hours every morning picking out just the right nose to wear. Most fans didn’t know, but Michael was part-owner of the Mister Potatohead Prostetic Company located in nearby Burbank.

Jackson family elder Joe Jackson agreed with the results. Lamenting that he once kicked little Michael so hard in his little balls, Michael’s voice from then on always sounded like ‘a little girls.’

Other celebrities have come forth since the untimely death of the superstar and have confirmed the King of Pop’s lack of a full nut sack.

“He always wore his jockstrap on the outside of his pants during performances which looked kinda empty to me,” claimed the late Liz Taylor in 2009. Taylor, once known as the silver screen has-been, was most noted for having 47 ex-husbands and a whole pile of diamonds.

Ex-wife Lisa Marie went as far as explaining the very intimate details of their short marriage. “I never saw his testicles myself, but I did notice his throat would get lumps on each side and his tongue would swell and stick out when he was really excited. I thought he always had a cold or something!”

Doctors have explained the cause of Jackson’s falsetto voice, blaming it squarely on his testicles being undescended and lodged in his throat.

As dance director Ginger Longress described at the Jackson eulogy, “Look, do you really think a man could dance like that with two gonads dangling between his legs? C’mon!”

The folks over a the Silverscreen Memorial and Funeral Services said they took care of the ‘nutless’ situation when preparing Michael for the funeral. “We used two new golf balls, Titelist IV to be exact, and it filled in the void nicely.”

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11 comments on “Michael Jackson’s Updated Autopsy Results Released

  1. How does s**t like this warrant a search result. The man accomplished more than your inept self cackling socially malignant ass will ever do in your life. He was a force for good; almost primarily out of his disgust for s**t sickened people like you.

    Go hang out… From a balcony.

  2. What is your problem? There is much in the news recently to poke fun at. Why bring up Michael Jackson who has been laid to rest over 3 years ago? That you use tags so that your link will be included in Michael Jackson news alerts makes it obvious that you are seeking attention & hits to boost traffic to your page. Had I been forewarned that this was just another crappy piece of trash trying to get attention, I would have bypassed the click. Since I wasn’t, well that’s history. I would advise that you take your satire elsewhere. Michael Jackson got enough bullshyt from people like you when he was alive. He’s no longer here to defend. But there are groups of concerned people who find it distasteful & downright disrespectful for people who call themselves journalists of sorts to try to make a living off of the blood and standing on the backs of the deceased. Michael deserved so much more than he got from the likes of you. Now we intend to fight to keep his true legacy intact and will not allow peice of crap such as this disguised as news to tarnish it.

  3. bargis, thanks for bring this information out. I had wondered why he was so insistent on french kissing and now I have a better idea of what was really going on. My god, my tongue must be worth a fortune now!

  4. Wow guys… learn how to take a joke already. Guy’s been dead for a long while now, nothing is going to hurt his feelings.

  5. Hey Cassie and anuc!

    Hate to clue you two in but, Michael Jackson was a sicko pedophile. No, not a guy that likes to pedal bikes, but one who likes little boy’s behinds.

    So now I ask, what’s your problem?

    ARe you just another two pop star admirers who’s own blinded adoration simply added to the list of fans that enabled Jackson to continue on with his infamous Rump Ranger antics? That’s a heavy price for some poor kid somewhere just so you got your adolescent giggles.

    The story is a spoof so quit being a nitwit.

  6. Well Mr. Bargis, you need to know the difference between satire and insult. As for calling Michael Jackson a paedophile, where do u hv the proof – where are those kids who have paid a heavy price. Not a single one has come out all these years (even after he died) except for the greedy parents of those two. One need not be a fan to know this.
    So you quit being insulting and try to gain readers attention through your intelligent writing. Then we would really appreciate you.

  7. Dear bargis,
    Seems you are sure curious about nuts. I am wondering, is it because you are lacking a pair yourself, or just jealous that someone would have have some larger than a pea? Is this fetish with you,or are you jealous?
    I wonder, where is your proof for the things you claim about Mr. Jackson? I would be very careful if I were you, and wonder what kind of pictures one may find on your own computer. Could be your also, jealous of pencils, and I wonder is that because they call you Pencil dick? Seems the only big thing that you may pocess is a mouth, and according to what I am seeing, I wonder what you do with that mouth now? I know its not just used for spewing shit, because anyone who claims to know so much about nuts tucked into a mouth, had to learn that somewhere.
    You really seem to think your quite the comedian don’t you? Well I have news for you, YOU AREN’T.
    You definitely need some therapy, but do me a favor, don’t call me.

  8. I'm not surprised you daren't give your address 'in the southern part of the USA' as you are afraid millions of Michael Jackson fans may find you, and not be amused by your sick 'lopsided humour'. 'Outrageous' is the right word. I know my comment is late, but I have been meaning to do this a month ago, and did not forget. Every word you have written is utter inaccurate rubbish. He had no drugs in his system, his testicles were working fine and producing semen. Have you read the autopsy report? Even if a man is dead, it is still unethical to print lies about him; especially a man of Mr. Jackson's calibre. No way is this funny. That dreadful photograph is photoshopped – but I expect you know that. His voice coach asked him why he spoke in a high voice when his voice was very deep, and he said it was to protect his vocal chords for singing. The late Liz Taylor had 8 husbands. I have never read such a load of rubbish in my life. I hope Lisa Marie doesn't read this. She is still alive. I had to correct all the mistakes. I don't call myself 'Truth Warrior' for nothing. I think if anyone has anything missing, it is you; between your ears.

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