Los Angeles, CA – (SatireWorld.com)
Dr. Rami Gushinari finally released to the public the official 25 page LA Coroner’s report on Michael Jackson. The ‘King of Pop’ died from a drug overdose and was laid to rest in Woodlawn Cemetery for the Elite and Pompous almost three and a half years ago.
A portion of the autopsy claims….”Mr. Jackson, age 50, expired June 25th, 2009 from a physical ailment known as ‘undescended testiclitist.’ Upon a sectioned autopsy, we found Mr. Jackson’s nuts wrapped around his vocal cords.”
PHOTO INSERT: Michael spent hours every morning picking out just the right nose to wear. Most fans didn’t know, but Michael was part-owner of the Mister Potatohead Prostetic Company located in nearby Burbank.
Jackson family elder Joe Jackson agreed with the results. Lamenting that he once kicked little Michael so hard in his little balls, Michael’s voice from then on always sounded like ‘a little girls.’
Other celebrities have come forth since the untimely death of the superstar and have confirmed the King of Pop’s lack of a full nut sack.
“He always wore his jockstrap on the outside of his pants during performances which looked kinda empty to me,” claimed the late Liz Taylor in 2009. Taylor, once known as the silver screen has-been, was most noted for having 47 ex-husbands and a whole pile of diamonds.
Ex-wife Lisa Marie went as far as explaining the very intimate details of their short marriage. “I never saw his testicles myself, but I did notice his throat would get lumps on each side and his tongue would swell and stick out when he was really excited. I thought he always had a cold or something!”
Doctors have explained the cause of Jackson’s falsetto voice, blaming it squarely on his testicles being undescended and lodged in his throat.
As dance director Ginger Longress described at the Jackson eulogy, “Look, do you really think a man could dance like that with two gonads dangling between his legs? C’mon!”
The folks over a the Silverscreen Memorial and Funeral Services said they took care of the ‘nutless’ situation when preparing Michael for the funeral. “We used two new golf balls, Titelist IV to be exact, and it filled in the void nicely.”