Tag Archive | "FBI"

FBI Fringe Division MH370 Test Successful, Parallel Universe Travel Safe


At a press conference Tuesday held at FBI Headquarters in Quantico, Virginia, lead blonde FBI investigator Agent Olivia Dunham, flanked by Mad Scientist Walternate Bishop and his intelligent and attractive yet curiously unaccomplished son Peter, revealed Malaysia Flight 370 was a government test of inter dimensional travel. Read the full story

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Feds to Renew Hunt For Jimmy Hoffa


After failing to find his body in a field in Oakland Township, MI, federal authorities announced today that they have found several other locations throughout the United States that may be hiding the body of former Teamsters Boss Jimmy Hoffa.

“We have had leads from a number of psychics, mob leaders and average citizens”, said former FBI agent John Anthony. “And we will leave no stone unturned until we find him!”

Anthony says he and his team will be searching a vacant lot in Ojai, CA, a cornfield in Iowa, a series of caves in New Brunswick and an apple orchard in New Hampshire.

“He’s probably not in the orchard but we’re going to check it anyway”, Anthony stated. “And if none of these places check out we do have a few more”.

Federal authorities and private citizens have spent $132 million looking for Hoffa’s body since 1975 to no avail. Much of the money has been spent on bribing mobsters, digging up fields and lawns, tearing down homes and interviewing possible witnesses. The remainder of the money is being used to keep FBI agents employed.

“We won’t stop until we’ve torn apart this entire country!” Anthony declared.

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FBI to Boost Recruitment, Remove Fitness Requirement


WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to meet the growing diversity of the nation, the Department of Justice has announced changes to physical requirements for FBI special agents which will replace regular running with power walking.

Current requirements for selection make applicants run 1.5 miles in under 11 minutes. Under the new plan, one who can power walk the same distance in approximately an hour will be considered equally capable. Read the full story

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Scandal: Man Sneaks Extra Cookie From Jar


Local police and federal authorities are on high alert after a Purcellville, VA man was caught sneaking an extra cookie from his parents’ cookie jar.

Dom Fall, 46, is believed to have made an approach on the cookie jar at around 11pm on Monday night, when his mother and father were fast asleep.

Fall proceeded to snatch at the largest chocolate chip cookie before he was spotted by local kitchen watcher Bob Priscilla, who screamed obsessively and scared the culprit out a nearby window. Read the full story

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Who Is Really Behind The Mysterious Florida Post Office Crashes?


The Florida Postal Service has made an unusual request of their local patronage- to stop running into their Post Offices with their autos (see Yahoo News).

There have recently been eight crashes supposedly due to ‘old timers’ tapping the gas pedal instead of the brake.

Unbeknown to the Postal authorities there is an FBI scan that has tied the incidents to Florida Al Queda operatives who are dispatching suicide bombers to take out the facilities.

Unfortunately for them, their bomb parts were sent by mail from Saudi Arabia and didn’t arrive in time for their missions. The bombers were forced to hit their targets without their bombs, a move that probably lost them at least 40 of their 76 virgins in the after life.

A second possibility that Federal agents are investigating is that some of the crashers were actually laid off Postal workers going postal in a new way. They are taking a cue from Al Queda and attempting to try suicide explosives as a way of venting their grievances permanently.

Unfortunately they ordered their bomb parts with next day delivery by UPS and also came up empty handed when the parcels came in the day after their spectacle.

More new developments will be posted as they occur.

NEW DEVELOPMENTS WE ARE POSTING THAT HAVE OCCURRED IN ‘POSTAL CAR CRASHING EPIDEMIC’- Since the news has been leaked of the FBI findings that Al Queda is behind the Post Office crashings senior citizens out of boredom have been racing to Post Offices to see the fireworks and are themselves crashing into the facilities.

Authorities are recommending that the elderly stay at home, hide under their tables and do as they are told.

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The Naked Congressman (Please Won’t You?) Cover-Up


For more than a year, first-term Congressional Representative Kevin Yoder (Republican from Kansas) managed to conceal the fact that he went skinny-dipping in front of twenty other members of Congress, their staff and families, during a trip to Israel.

The incident was exposed, as was the naked Congressman, by an FBI investigation into the all-expense paid trip, an official one-week tour sponsored by the American Israel Educational Foundation costing approximately $10,000 per person. Read the full story

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FBI Paints Up, Infiltrates Insane Clown Posse


The F.B.I. reports that they have their hands full with the notorious street gang, the Juggalos aka Insane Clown Posse (ICP) fans. The Bureau defines ICP fans as a “loosely-organized hybrid gang,” that “exhibits gang-like behavior and engages in criminal activity and violence.”

Things have gotten so out of hand that the F.B.I. has shifted undercover agents in the Kiss Army to infiltrate Juggalo subsets. F.B.I. Director, Robert Mueller stated “These lousy kids and their Rock N’ Roll are a menace! I swear to bring down the full weight of the F.B.I. on these clowns.” Read the full story

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‘Wannabe’ Terrorist Punk’d In Portland… Aw, Snap


PORTLAND, Ore GlossyNews.com — Taking their cue from the genius of Ashton Kutcher, the FBI staged an elaborate prank on a Corvallis, OR teenager who thought he was part of a Jihadist plot to kill Christmas.

Mohamed Osman Mohamud, 19, a Somali-born U.S. citizen, mistakenly believed he was in contact with terrorists overseas who’s stated goal is, “to kill followers of The Great Satan Claus.” Little did he know that his contacts were, in fact, a band of merry FBI pranksters, a hilarious and secretive comedy troupe in the Counterterrorism Division. “We like to think of them as the Funny Bureau of Investigation”, said Assistant Director James McJunkin. Read the full story

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‘Canadian’ Quarter Leads to Terrorist Arrests at Unemployment Office


PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — Agents from the Federal Bureau of Investigations, Department of Homeland Security, and SWAT teams from around the are descended on a local unemployment office after a random security sweep uncovered “terrorist paraphernalia” on several adults filing unemployment claims.

A high ranking FBI official confirmed dozens of arrests were made of persons possessing “components necessary for the construction of IED’s (Improvised Explosive Devices,)” Read the full story

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Extortion Plots Pouring into FBI


QUANTICO, Virginia (GlossyNews) — Word travels fast in the criminal world. Since word of Joran van der Sloot’s arrest on charges of killing a Peruvian woman, the more intriguing back story of his ability to bilk $25,000 out of the FBI by promising to tell them where Natalee Holoway’s body could be found is becoming legend among alleged murderers whose investigations are still pending Read the full story

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2003 Photo of Cheney May Explain Plame ID Outing


Since 2003, many groups have claimed that Dick Cheney was the person at the forefront of leaking the name of CIA agent Valerie Plame to the media, thereby blowing her cover and forcing her to end a long and successful career with the CIA. Although Cheney denies this claim, a recently surfaced photo may help to explain Cheney’s inability to recall certain events leading up to the outing of Plame’s name. Read the full story

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