Newsflash: America Votes to End Democracy, Become Dictatorship – Nov. 7, 2012- An astonishing, unexpected, unbelievable and catastrophic end has come to the long Presidential election in the United States today.

An overwhelming number of Americans in the write in section of the ballot expressed that they wanted their country to become a dictatorship so that they would never have to deal with the aggravation, the backstabbing, the never ending advertisements, the constant putdowns, the partisan fighting and the immense waste of money that happened during the 2012 campaign.

RIGHT: An image of a fictional dictator, much like what is suggested in this story. (DO NOT CLICK THE PHOTO TO SEE IT LARGER… JUST DON’T, THERE’S NO POINT.)

America, long seeing itself as the flagship of freedom in the world, has now given up its pretensions to that claim and has chosen to trod the path of totalitarianism. Viewers outside the country have long been noting the steady decline in personal rights, the ever-growing corporate control of the society and its laws, the increasingly apathy and disenfranchisement of the general public and the reduction of the working class to a servitude level that has been infesting the land for decades.

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Americans seem to have de-evolved from being defenders of liberty to being sheep in needing of being penned, driven and protected from mostly imaginary wolves.

Fully 60% of the electorate wrote in an hitherto unknown candidate who has declared himself the ‘Dictator of America’. Little is known about Mr. Rfreed, who came out of nowhere to announce his candidacy the day after the last Obama/Romney debate.

A man of mystery, there are few public records that even attest to his existence. A number of satirical websites carry his peculiar form of demented journalism, but none of them even carry so much as a photo of what the future leader of the United States looks like.

It is feared that all news reporting of developments arising from this incredible change in what was once the foremost nation in the world will be stopped and the safety of all news media in jeopardy as Rfreed accumulates his power.

One intrepid reporter, a Mr. Bargis Tyrol, was found obscenely waterboarded in his penthouse suite at the Waldorf Astoria in Manhattan.

Other journalists have frighteningly joined the ranks of the Dictator such as Kilroy and Mike Kelly, once competent writers who heralded the Democratic side of life; now they are Goebbels-like mouthpieces for Herr Rfreed.

In fact, even here in Europe we have Marines knocking on our door at the moment. Wait a moment, they are banging down the door with the butts of their gun! Wait a moment, they are c

Author: rfreed

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at

76 thoughts on “Newsflash: America Votes to End Democracy, Become Dictatorship

  1. That’s ‘Dictator’ with a capital D to you peasants!
    God, the insufferable masses that I must suffer!
    Sometimes I think I should have listened to my father and just become a hitman. It would have been a lot less stress.

  2. I think they were discontinued shortly after the “Two-Bladed Guillotine” came into existence. The first blade cut off your head and the second one gave it a close shave so it would look good in the basket. Then came the electric model and….the rest is history!

  3. A cut in time
    saves nine.

    It is a cutting punishment for cutting remarks.
    What a waste of fine cutlery, especially when it could be used for such a noble purpose.

  4. Why did we ever get rid of guillotines?
    They were such a wonderful invention.
    Silent, quick, efficient.
    And they got rid of a lot of heads and the mouths that went with them.

  5. Thank you, dear Bargis, for your wonderful gift.
    Oddly, I have several already.
    It seems to be a popular gift to me from lackeys.
    I tried one of them once, but it caused an embarrassing sort of damage
    which my enemies would use against me if they knew about it.
    Maybe that is shy so many people call me ‘big asshole’ behind my back.
    And on the secret tapes that I have of them.
    Before their unfortunate demise, that is.

  6. “Peon” is a step up from “Lackey”…so at least we’re negotiating Herr Dick-Tator. And don’t expect a generous gift from me like Bargis got you. He’s a lot more civil than I am.

    I am anxiously awaiting your Christmas gift, though. Since a cheap despot like you only uses US mail, I’ll send you a thank you note in February after it gets here.

  7. I have packaged (and sent via UPS) Dick Tator’s early Christmas present…It was difficult since Roter-Rooter rarely allows its crews to leave the vacinity, but it promises gentle relief to nagging hemmorhoid problems that seem to plague the Dick Tator when in public

  8. Insulting peon!
    I only call you a peon because that is what I used to do to you.
    Wait until you see what you get for a Christmas present!
    I will have the mercy to warn you to point it away from your face when you open it.

  9. I’ve heard that kind of talk from you before! Sloppy seconds for you means “second day”. I have to admit the peasant shooting is kind of fun but you have to learn to spell “pheasant” properly on the invitations so the guests don’t freak out.

    I’ve had a good offer from Donald Trump. Sloppy seconds for him means after he’s fired those virgins. That’s a nice benefit that you can’t provide.

    Naw, for me to come back, I’d have to at least be promoted from “Lackey” to “Henchman”. After all the time I spend as a “Mook” I deserve to be on the fast track.

    P.S. Those aren’t toe nails, those are mole claws. The only thing scarier than your retirement plan is you in flip-flops. Get some help, man!

  10. Kilroy, my boy!Come back to me!
    I have learned to be forgiving!
    Also the hedges need trimming and the other help I get always steal the electric trimmer.
    Let’s let bygones be bygones. Let’s think of the good times.
    Remember how I used to order those specialty pies from the exclusive baker and let you have the crusts that I didn’t finish?
    Remember we used to take drives in the country and you would reload my shotgun for me after I took potshots at peasants working in the fields?
    And then there were the times I would let you have sloppy seconds from my consort of the night from the Chamber Of Virgins?
    Such wonderful times! It can be like that again! Come back to the warmth and security of service to me.
    That plus my toenails need a manicure again. That Bargis did a terrible job of it.
    Yours truly, Dicky the Tator

  11. No wonder I can’t get jobs with other evil dictators if that’s the kind of references you give, refreed!

  12. To Kilroy:
    Benedict Arnold!
    Et Tu Brute!
    My Thesaurus is running out of synonyms, so I will have to start inventing my own:

    To Bargis:

  13. Forgive me.
    I did not use politically correct language when I called my two adversaries (One of whom used to be a loyal supporter but has since shown his true Quisling nature)’bottom feeding dogs’.
    I should have said the more proper ‘ethically challenged curs’.

    I apologize to everyone but the two intended for the inappropriate slur (even though as dictator I wouldn’t have to).

  14. Massachucetts? You’ll never get past that indian village and Princes Pocahantas Warren who guards the gates with an empty quiver and rubber bow!

  15. Herr Dick-Tator, you need a vastly under educated population of easily bewitched rednecks for your rule. I suggest Oklahoma. Their new State motto: “We’re your Mississippi now!”

  16. Yuck it up you bottom feeding dogs.
    We shall see who laughs last!
    I may have lost the Presidency, but that does not mean I am finished!
    There are still the states that are in need of a touch of my iron discipline.
    Let’s see, which one is prime for plucking?
    How about Oregon? No, too many hippies and tree huggers. They always make too much of a fuss.
    What about Texas, they are wanting to secede anyway. Hmmmm…having to deal with Texans all day, even if they are under my thumb, would be nerve shattering?
    Bargis is probably in Mississippi, It is good to have someone there I could use as a reference. Rednecks always make good, obedient, easily bamboozled pigeons….I mean followers.
    Washington State? Nah, Yuppie paradise. They would look down their noses at me even if I were their undeniable leader.
    Aha! Yes! Yes! Romney had to forsake his Governorship of Massachusetts to run for Presidency, didn’t he? Yeah…..Massachusetts! A rich bird just ripe for the plucking!

  17. Hey Kilroy! Little Kim is a Dick-Tator too, right?

    Do you think they’re related? You know, Dicking around together all the time? Borrowing each other’s 1970’s platform shoes. Writing catchy slogans together so the crowds at the soccer stadium can spell them out with thousands of placards.

    “EAT ME” was a big favorite in 2004 causing thousands to roll hysterically up and down the stadium isles.

    Come to think of it, those North Korean’s really like whale meat, (Pickled of course with some rotting cabbage thrown in)so it would be natural for our Dick-Tator to threaten us with Orca vengence

  18. Ohhhhhhhhhh Nancy!

    Hmmmm Will she be wearing stiletto 6 inch heels? Mesh stockings? Crotchless panties?

    Kilroy my cellmate will love it! I can hear the lustful moans now….Nancy!….Kilroy!….Deeper…Harder…Ohhhhhhhhh!
    Was it good for you darling?
    Why? Brian was better? What do you mean?
    Bobbin? He’s a bobber?
    How about Dick-Tator?
    Wow! Really?
    You secretly call him Small Dick-Tator to his face?
    Oh, I see….That short huh?

  19. Now Mr. Bargis, every dictator is allowed his personal private perversities. That is why we become dictators in the first place.
    At least you didn’t learn about the hamsters.

    Everyone has his secret fantasies.
    Such as my secret police finding you, bringing you to my secret location, locking you in a padded cell, then playing Nancy Pelosi explaining Obama’s Health Care plan with a high nasal voice in an endless loop day and night.

    Yes, I am merciless, aren’t I.

  20. Have you noticed?
    The traces of woman’s make-up on Herr Dick-Tator’s face!
    When he sits, his pants leg slides up and there’s pantyhose on his legs!
    Does this mean we have a nancy-girl as Dick-Tator?

  21. Alas, Herr Dick-Tator, it wasn’t me after all, but some random hobo.
    Seriously, you need to do better background checks before you start throwing people into shallow graves.

    Now before everybody starts sending me hate mail, the hobo got out just fine. He just called it, “The warmest night’s sleep I’ve had in years.”

  22. Kilroy?????!!!!!
    How did you get out of that shallow grave?
    From now on I mix the cement myself.

    Well, Bargis, as long as you are here be a good fellow and peel my shrimp for me, would you?
    Also, my toe nails need clipping.
    Hop to it, boy! Hop to it!

  23. How about pizza, Dick-Tator? All that BP oil soaked shrimp made me sick, so I just ordered up some Papa Johns from my undisclosed location. Papa has your outlook on the lowly worker, so I thought you could relate. Except he doesn’t have Orcas….Ooooooo Orcas!

  24. While I am here has anyone seen that other toady of mine, what’s his name…………Kelly something…? Kilroy is ‘permanently indisposed’ (don’t you like how I subtly worded than? ‘permanently disposed of’ would be more accurate.)
    Someone hop to it and find him! I need my shrimp for dinner peeled for me immediately!
    And I have another body to be ‘permanently disposed of’.
    (Oh, I am so clever with words, aren’t I?)

  25. In the words of another famous evil guy who is amost as nasty as me “I,ll be back!!”
    And “Hasta la vista, baby!”_

  26. Your last adversaries clued us in….Yes, Punkly Brewster of TV fame gave us a aheads up about your odd behavior. Another too…Kilroy’s best friend Pee Wee Herman gave him the low down concerning Dick-Tator and his attempts to rule the world in a limp-wristed manner.

    Yes, it’s all over. The fancy cars. The fanchy-schmansy clothes. The obtuse mansions. The Harem of Virgins who, ahem, are dubious in chaste. The double-cheese burgers from Red Robin…All Gone!

    Yes it’s double failure for Dick-Tator who will suffer the fate of double secret probation and will forfeit his liberal arts degree from Faber University!

  27. Oh, God! The impunity!
    Why can’t I have worthy adversaries like Professor Moriarty with his Sherlock Holmes or Darth Vader with his Obie Wan Kenobi?
    Why God, why????!!!!!

  28. Hahahaha No dirt nap for me! Once that rabid turtle with AIDS takes a chunk out of old Dick-Tator he’ll be foaming at the mouth begging for the antidote…Too bad, it will be with Kilroy buried deep along with his subscription to Readers Digest.

  29. “Aha! Burying you both alive in the same coffin. No, that would be too gruesome even for me. Plus you’d both lie there and make comments about me.”

    Funny! Oh, the inhumanity! Talking bad about the evil dictator. But, don’t worry, we’d probably spend our scare oxygen out-quipping each other. The first one to die get his jaw used as a digging implement.

  30. Alas, the trials we poor dictators must go through.
    Always misunderstood.
    Always hated.
    Always having to assasinate lesserlings.
    Sigh….. No one ever said life was going to be easy.q

  31. Hey Dick-tator….Was going to mail you something as a surprise, but I can’t get the stamp to stick to that wet alligator.
    Perhaps a turtle. Yes, a big, mean old snapping kind! You’ll know it’s from me ’cause I painted a happy face on its shell.

  32. I too, as geniuslly, evilly brilliant as I am, am also running low on ideas. I will go take in the latest James Bond flick and get back to you when I come up with something.
    Wait! I’ve seen the previews on TV! Yes, chasing you both down with a steam shovel and throwing you both off a bridge! No, its been done now.
    Aha! Burying you both alive in the same coffin. No, that would be too gruesome even for me. Plus you’d both lie there and make comments about me.
    Hmm… have you both drawn and quartered and then switch the parts around…. No, I don’t like puzzles…

    Let me get back to you guys later.
    Have a good day.

  33. Seriously, have you seen the Mississippi lately, Bargis?
    Those whales are going to have to take dune buggies to get up here.

    You’re right about those gators, though. Keep ’em chained by the door and maybe you’ll escape Herr Dick-Tator’s wrath, too.

  34. Kilroy awakes!
    St. Louis huh?
    On the mighty Mississippi river, right?
    Whales swim up rivers!
    Me thinks your fucked Mr. Kilroy! Nefarious Dick-tator has dispathced a fleet,(that’s right a Fleet) of Orcas up river. Me, I live near a swamp and gators eat anything so I don’t worry too much unless I go wading.

  35. I’m currently at an undisclosed location. While you were bantering, I was getting the hell out of Dodge. So that killer whale better be able to get a bus ticket to St. Louis in order to get to me…D’OH! Got to move again!

    But, one more thing. That Chamber of Virgins is false advertising.
    Should be called Chamber of Pole Dancers.

    Viagra makes me taller, eh, Bargis? Good, then maybe I can slam dunk. A basketball, too!

  36. Oh yes Mr Dick-tator…I heard you visited the Chamber of Virgins several times and they’re STILL virgins…May I suggest Viagra? Kilroy says he uses it all the time and loves it because it makes him taller. I think it just gives him a swelled head.

  37. No way Kilroy! I have a magnetic water-proof sticker that says ‘EAT ME’ and I’ll be placing on your scuba tank. It’s written in whale so he’ll get you first.
    For myself, I’m using a vintage wet suit leftover from a visit by English royalty.
    The wetsuit has a name tag proclaiming…Property of Prince of Wales. See?
    100% Eat proof!

  38. Hmmm….I can see I have to go get new batteries for my video camera for all this. It looks like it is going to be good!
    I just hope there won’t be a lot of ‘leftovers’ that attract barracuda and ruin the fishing for days.

  39. Oooooo Chamber of Virgins! Wait a minute, I’ll not fall for your ruses again. In the end I always get tortured to death while chained to Bargis. BARGIS! Have you no humanity…um…no I guess not.

    Fear not, Bargis it won’t last long…for you. I have perfected the technique of “Splash, Tuck and Roll” so that the orca will eat you first.

  40. Whales do make great tasting sandwiches..Sorta like tuna salad, but if you think I’m starting another whale just to make lunch for you Mr Dick-Tator you’re crazy!

    Unless of course Kilroy and I get a free pass tonight to the Chamber of Virgins in the Presidential Palace, then of course, what will it be? Whole wheat? Rye? A bagel?

  41. Um…lets try ORCAS as in KILLER WHALES.
    Does that ring any bells or strike terror into any hearts?
    And do you both happen to have dry suits (scuba) so that the entertainment will last longer?

  42. Hey! That’s baloney!
    Orcas are only in that stupid movie The Habit or something like that. Ugly zombie-dudes with really shitty looking swords. That doesn’t scare me, but the thought of being lashed together with Kilroy makes me wanna have real loose bowels.

  43. I see you have been taking smart-ass lessons from bargis.
    Well, you can get to know each other quite well when you are lashed together and thrown to the orcas.

  44. As much as it surely all grieves you deeply, you will be able shortly to view my Condescension, ….. er…my Concession Speech during which I will properly blame all those responsible for my losing the election. Be ready to be exposed appropriately socially humbled and humiliated, Kilroy. Your name leads the list!

  45. Terrible threat Mr. Dictator! That’s like dealing him 5 bad poker cards….without a good hand Kilroy’s sex life will go down the drain!

  46. You have always been free to come and go as you wish, dear Kilroy.
    It’s just that if you leave now while I still need your servile services you will have to pick up your fingers with your good hand when you go.

  47. It looks as though my advisers hide the truth of the election’s outcome from me.
    The only thing I will be getting is the shaft.
    Which is what my advisers will be getting as well.
    Just not in the part of their bodies where they would want it.

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