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Evangelicals Just Say (Hell) No to Romney

Evangelicals Just Say (Hell) No to Romney

GlossyNews.com – WASHINGTON, DC — Destruction wrought by Hurricane Sandy finds evangelicals staying home rather than casting a vote for Mitt Romney, Virgil Goode or Mickey Mouse.

The “Lord’s Will” movement initially organized to support evangelical voters in religious despair over casting a vote for a candidate with a propensity towards lying while holding steadfast to the basic value that honesty is a virtue; The Romney Doctrine.

RIGHT: Click the photo to see it in almost the exact same size, and still distorted by compression errors.

The group served as religious rapid responders to aggressively re-frame political stances taken by Mr. Romney as he “flip-flopped” on issues, rather than out and out lies, which he also resorted to, but only a last possibility.

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Romney’s claim that Chrysler planned to move Jeep production operations to China — publicly skewered by Chrysler CEO Sergio Marchionne as “inaccurate” — was a particularly tough sell to religious voters who live lives based on faith, Velveeta and little else.

“The Bible says “Thou shalt not lie,” offered a Lord’s Will volunteer off the record. “Convincing good people to pull the lever for Romney after Chrysler refuted the statement as completely false, well, that I’ll always remember as my religious Jekyll and Hyde moment. To say I was conflicted after such blatant misrepresentation by a candidate is an understatement, but yet, my core beliefs remain in solid and direct opposition to President Obama, so at least we have that.”

In flies the black swan, known in political Audubon Society circles as an unexpected random event with potentially huge effects on a campaign.

“Hurricane Sandy is literally a sign from the heavens, the Lord’s Will, if you will,” continued the volunteer. “Evangelicals view President Obama as a good man, a sincere man, someone who shares with them two basic commonalities — family values and compassion. Between that and the subsequent story that the Romney campaign staged the Ohio storm relief effort, the re-frame effort took a dive. Evangelicals in good political conscience could not vote for President Obama, yet religious conscience would not allow them to pull the lever for Romney. I mean, how could they? The resulting personal compromise was a no vote for either candidate.”

Exit polls are reflecting a substantial downward trend among voters identifying themselves as persons of religious belief.

Tuesday fellowships are planned nationwide for voters of all faiths who chose to let their conscience be their guide, though Scientologists are encouraged to seek comfort from Tom Cruise.

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5 Responses to “Evangelicals Just Say (Hell) No to Romney”

  1. Mike Kelly says:

    They should stay home if they can't justify their vote with their principals. I mean, who do they think they are, mormons?

  2. Mike Kelly says:

    I really did enjoy the article, and the others you have put up too. Now you have made me feel like a hack. Oh bother.

  3. Talk Shatsky says:

    You are no hack. You see, I have an advantage as black sheep somehow related to a Southern evangelical family that sound much like the guys on the Moonshine show. :)

  4. Penney Griffin says:

    I will tell you why Republicans lost so badly. Todd Akin, Richard Murdock and Paul Broun – The only differences between certain evangelicals and extremist Islamic clerics are which Holy Book they use and how many guns you're likely to find at one of their services.
    The Christian Taliban needs to be kept in check and absolutely NO WHERE near power.
    Religion is personal. How others live their life and what they do is none of anyone’s business, No one was put on this earth to judge others. You can't FORCE people to be "good," especially your arbitrary definition of that word. Try to make all of the laws you want against it, NO STATE SPONSORED RELIGION! The religious right represents a backwards, unenlightened mentality that does not understand government, science, or even compassion. You see, instead of working on the problems that really plague us – poverty, hunger, families' homes being foreclosed – the religious right focused on abortion and gay marriage.

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