Bills Stamped “Not to Be Used to Bribe Politicians” Spent on Lap Dances for Senators

Politics Corruption

Despite a seemingly bullet-proof plan for intercepting corporate interest bribes, a growing phenomenon that is currently outstripping even the nefarious deeds of the mildly controversial Church of Scientology, some of the growing number of bills marked in protest of political corruption were spent recently at a strip club in Miami to “grease up” state representatives. Dennis Lutz, co-founder of the non-profit organization “Progressive Stampers,” felt confident of his strategy—namely marking cash with a strongly worded request that it not be used for political naughtiness:

“We were watching the numbers of participants on our site,” he said, “and all these people with our stamps and it looked like we couldn’t be stopped. We figured if people saw this on the money who wanted to, you know, influence some bigshot to do things like float nuclear waste barrels along a small town’s water supply, or lift a ban on killing endangered turtles, it would stop them in their tracks. We really thought we’d covered every angle. Then we heard about this. The lesson is that strippers are too busy entertaining to read a bold red message on the bills being slipped into their g-strings, no matter how issues of corporate and government corruption may concern them.”

“We thought they had us,” admits Clyde Brookshire, lobbyist for Glossy News corporate scandal favorites Koch Pipeline Inc. “When I first saw a stamped bill, I thought ‘Shit—how are we going to get around this?’ I called strategists in from all over our network for an emergency meeting. We brainstormed most of the night, then someone got a little horny, suggested going out and bingo! We found our loophole: take White House officials out to the strip-club, give the marked money directly to working girls, and we’re back in business. The system works!” As for the future of Progressive Stampers, Lutz is thinking of retaliating by switching to a stronger ink—on coins: “Only losers tip strippers with coins,” he sulked, though he went on to question how often loose change plays into the political bribery game.

Still, let’s look on the bright side!

At least politicians and corporate persons haven’t discovered sex robots yet…

Or the globally ubiquitous of illegitimately exerting undue influence on the Supreme Court, which is fortunately as yet a phenomenon completely foreign to Washington and the remainder of the Free World!


Author: Barnaby Hazen