Tag Archive | "olympics"

Rio 2016 Olympic Opening Ceremony Exposes Non-existent Countries

The international community is trying to come to terms with the shock revelation that some countries with which other nations have links simply do not exist.

Two hundred and seven countries were represented at the opening ceremony of Rio 2016, and it is now clear that at least eight had been invented. Read the full story


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Text Walking to Become New Olympic Sport

Rio de Janeiro – Text walking will become the newest sport to be part of the Olympic Games starting in Rio in 2016. The act of texting while walking has never been considered a sport but since so few people get killed while performing the act, Olympic officials assume there must be some skill involved in the activity.

Although still a relatively new activity in some parts of the world, millions of people navigate their daily lives while having their eyes and attention diverted to their handheld devices for hours on end. Miraculously, only a small number of these self-absorbed people end up in the hospital or worse from the activity. Read the full story


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I was snubbed by the U.S. Olympic Ski Team

Dear U.S. Olympic Ski Team:

Congratulations on an outstanding Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. And hey, that 18 year-old Mikaela Shiffrin was impressive on the giant slalom. Well done.

I just have one minor complaint to register: Why did you leave me off the team? I contacted you last summer, telling you I wanted to try out for the men’s freestyle aerials or half pipe or any alpine event you guys thought might attract babes. Read the full story


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IOC Officials Admit Curling Event Added To Be More Inclusive

In a stunning admission the International Olympic Committee issued a statement today confirming Curling was added to be more inclusive to non-athletes.

The IOC had come under fire for its wall-to-wall coverage of this years Curling competition, many times at the expense of more popular sports such as hockey and downhill skiing. The move elicited a collective WHAT THE FUCK from much of the civilized sporting world.

The statement read “For decades the Olympics has been criticized for not being more inclusive of non-athletes. Read the full story


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Whipping set to replace Screeching in Olympic Curling

Dateline: Lausanne, Switzerland—After an Olympic curler died of a heart attack from haranguing her teammates as they swept the ice, the International Olympic Committee has ruled that instead of yelling so much for no good reason, curlers in the next Winter Olympics will whip each other.
Read the full story


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Sober Russians Pose Security Threat At Sochi

Each week the Russian military, secret police and Sochi security authorities receive dozens of homemade videos made by ethnic Russians threatening terrorist attacks on innocent civilians at the Sochi Olympics.

Almost all are dismissed as the drunken rankings of misfits, homosexuals or comsymps.

However,in mid December they received a video from two Chechnyans taking credit for the terrorist bombing at a train station in Volgograd that killed 34 people. Read the full story


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Google Search For ‘Oscar Pistorius Murder Trial’ Evolves Into ‘Reeva Steenkamp Topless’

INDIANAPOLIS – During a routine navigation of the internet Friday, a local man’s Google search for the keywords “Oscar Pistorius murder trial” evolved over the course of 7 minutes into “Reeva Steenkamp Topless.”

Initially looking to gain up-to-the-minute news on the murder trial of South Africa’s famed special Olympian, Indianapolis man James Kinsella subconsciously clicked a related article about Pistorius’ late girlfriend Miss Steenkamp – who the athlete is accused of murdering. Read the full story


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Olympic Athlete Can’t Run From Charges

Well respected olympic athlete Oscar Pistorius was charged this morning with murder in the shooting death of his model girl friend. Police report that there is a history of abuse in their relationship and are relieved that this is probably the last incident that they will need to respond to.

Oscar often referred to as the “Blade Runner” did not actually use a knife in this brutal attack, instead opting for the more feminine use of a gun. This has more than likely rewritten his legacy, apologies for the pun, in a way that nobody had ever envisioned.


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London Forgets Sports

A recent survey has shown that the people of London have forgotten what sport is, now that the Olympics are over.

In a poll, conducted by the British Sports Council, participants were asked simple questions such as “What is basket ball?” or shown a ball and asked what it was.

29% of people thought that a football ball was a new Japanese melon, while 35% believed it was a special seat to relive stress on your back while working in an office. Read the full story


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London’s Olympics Opening Ceremony vs Beijing’s Olympics Opening Ceremony

I got up at 3:30 AM this morning here in China in great anticipation for the London Olympics Opening Ceremony. England had a greater budget to prepare for this show than China had, and the English had great hopes that London’s Opening Ceremony show would beat that of Beijing’s.

I always had doubts that the British can beat the Chinese’s cosmetic perfection, individual discipline, 20,000 cast members, technological breakthroughs, and 5,000 years of history, culture, and philosophies. Read the full story


Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Serious CommentaryComments (2)

Paralympians Are People Too

Thanks to the Paralympics, disabled people are now being viewed as actual people, according to the worldwide media.

In hopes to change attitudes towards those with disabilities, the IOC, the International Olympic Committee, have decided to hold the Paralympics in London.

The head of the IOC, Count Jacques Rogge, said at a press conference that the Paralympics were being held to show that the disabled can do things that people could. Read the full story


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“Gabby Douglas Nude” Photos Fail to Materialize

Ever since her gold medal-winning performance at the Olympic Games, millions of people throughout the world have been searching Google and other search engines for nude pictures of 16-year-old Gabby Douglas to no avail.

“There’s a lot of perverts out there,” said Google CEO Larry Page. “To the best of my knowledge, there are no legitimate photos of Gabby nude or even in her underwear.” Read the full story


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Crowd Accused of Lifting Mo Farah Over the Finish Line

An appeal has been made to the IOC to strip British runner Mo Farah of his gold medal as accusations of cheating sore higher than the elation of the athlete.

Mo Farah became the first British athlete to win a gold medal in distance running but Ethopian 5000m silver medallist, Dejen Gebremeskel and Kenyan 5000m Bronze medallist, Thomas Pkemei Longosiwa have called into question the legitimate acquisition of the Olympic gold given that the 80,000 strong crowd was cheering Farah and not them. Read the full story


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Caption Contest: Going Hard for the Bronze

With the Olympics winding down, we have one last picture we need to really get out there.

And this one is a Caption Contest. Post your headline or caption for this story below and we’ll see who posts the best one.

Click the image at right to see it full-size… well, not FULL size, but… well, you know what we mean. Read the full story


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Romney Campaign Crashes Into Yet Another Tree

While driving his three nation campaign BlitzMobile at a high rate of speed, Mitt Romney apparently fell asleep at the wheel and crashed his vehicle into a tree.

“Candidate Romney is pretty banged up,” said a spokesman, “but he’s resting comfortably while doctors attempt to remove his foot from his mouth. Typically, that’s a pretty easy procedure, but considering that the accident also left him with his head lodged up his ass, it’s a little more complicated.” Read the full story


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Olympic Gold Medalist Mary Lou Retton Talks Leotards, Medals & Drugs

This week, GlossyNews.com sat down with former gymnast and Olympic gold medalist, Mary Lou Retton to get her thoughts on a variety of issues ahead of the Olympics in London. Here’s how it all went down.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: Welcome, Mary Lou. The image of you smiling with immense joy at the 1984 Olympics is indelibly etched in American Olympic folklore. Take us back to that day when you famously took the gold medal in the All-Around Gymnastics final. What was going through your mind?

RIGHT: Image courtesy of The Indy Tribune. (click to enlarge)

MARY LOU RETTON: I was trying to tune everything out, to focus on my upcoming vault. But I had the worst wedgie ever. Have you ever worn a leotard? It’s pretty hard to keep it out of your ass, especially when you’re flipping around and twisting and leaping through the air and whatnot. So there I was, 16 years old, with all those cameras on me. The whole world was watching to see if I would make history as the first American woman to take gold in the All-Arounds, and all I could think was, “How can I discretely pick my wedgie?”

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: But… but you seemed so happy at the time?

MARY LOU RETTON: Well, I added an extra twist to that first vault, and the wedgie worked its way out. I was very relieved.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: So having overcome the wedgie and having landed not one, but two perfect vaults, you became the first American to win the Olympic title in the All-Around event. Where in the Retton household does the gold medal reside to this day? Katrina, in Fort Wayne posed that question on our Twitter page.

MARY LOU RETTON: I keep my medals in my underwear drawer. A lot of people are surprised to hear that, but really, ask any woman, we hide all our important stuff in our underwear drawer.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: Perhaps I’d better change the subject. A lot has been made in recent years about the role of performance-enhancing drugs in the world of sport, particularly in Olympic sports. Have the IOC’s drug tests worked to eliminate illegal drug use, or do you think more can be done at the grassroots level?

MARY LOU RETTON: Every athlete should know how to pass a drug test. If you haven’t figured out how to get around those tests, then you don’t deserve to be competing at the Olympic level. That said, you don’t hear of too many gymnasts testing positive for illegal substances. We’re tiny, but we can crush your skull with our thighs, so no one at the IOC really wants to mess with us.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: Now, at the height of your fame, you were voted Sports Illustrated’s Sportswoman of the Year and became the first official spokeswoman for Wheaties. A lot of young people getting their big break in televised sports have a lot of weight on their shoulders. What advice would you give to any up-and-coming athlete about handling the pressure?

MARY LOU RETTON: These kids know nothing about pressure. Try going on television in those leotards before Brazilians came into fashion, okay? That is pressure. These gymnasts have no idea how easy they have it.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: And what about these days? Even though it is almost 28 years since your historic success in Los Angeles, you still remain a household name within the world of gymnastics. As a frequent commentator on indoor gymnastics, do you see a little bit of yourself in the gymnasts of today?


GLOSSYNEWS.COM: Mary Lou, thank you.

Article was co-written by Laurence Brown.


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