Tag Archive | "murder"

Pistorius’ Defence ‘A Shot in the Dark’


A leaked document has been revealed to the press outlining Oscar Pistorius’ proposed defence arguments in his ongoing murder trial.

The legal brief describes the three main planks to his defence designed to undermine the prosecutors case.Firstly he is to claim that he ‘just really really really needed the toilet’ and to refer to expert testimony from his five doctors that being denied the ability to urinate can lead to temporary insanity otherwise referred to as ‘yellow streak psychosis’. Read the full story

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Rich Convicts Seek Out From Prison as “Affluenza” Catches On


Keller, TX – Mockery of the justice system spread across the country today as a Texas judge sentenced Ethan Couch to 10 years probation for the murder of 4 people while driving drunk in June 2013.

Ethan, 16 at the time of the accident, had a blood alcohol level of .24 which is not only 3 times the legal limit but Ethan is also a minor.

He collided into a good Samaritan who was assisting a stranded motorist killing them on impact. Defense argued that Ethan Couch suffered from “Affluenza,” a product of a lifestyle in which money bought privilege and that there was no “rational link between actions and consequences.” Newton’s third law of motion begs to differ. Read the full story

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Time Traveler Arrested for Killing His Grandfather


Josh Holbecker, a 25 year old time traveler from the year 2072, was arrested this morning after traveling back in time and killing his grandfather, 22-year-old Harvard graduate student Ernest Holbecker.

Josh claims that his father, who has not yet been born, will be responsible for global catastrophe in 2071. He claims he was simply saving the world.

“My dad invented a device that would result in the deaths of 12 billion people!” Josh stated. “There’s only 500,000 people left alive and we are all in underground bunkers. But I was supposed to disappear when I killed my grandfather! What the f..k?” Read the full story

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FBI Agent Believes Mary Kennedy ‘May Have Acted Alone’


WESTCHESTER, NY – Despite inevitable conspiracy theories to the contrary, an FBI agent heading up a preliminary investigation into the apparent suicide of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s estranged wife Mary Kennedy believes that Mrs Kennedy may have acted alone.

Federal agent Curtis Howard believes that Mary Kennedy was solely responsible – with no accomplices – for the death Wednesday night of Mary Kennedy, who was found hanged in a barn outside of a house belonging to her ex-husband. Read the full story

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*80% of “Pirated Tracks” Already Legally Owned


The RIAA and their cronies like to claim tirllions in lost record sales, mere pennies of which the actual recording artists eventually see, but Maybeth Barker of Parketh, Illinois is part of the trend that bucks the system.

I downloaded the whole first album from Rage Against The Machine. I already own it, but it’s buried in boxes of [stuff],” says Barker.

“I paid like $15 for it, I just can’t find it right now. Does that make me a pirate?”

The law is wiggly, but yes, without doubt or hesitation, Barker is a pirate. Since she downloaded the 12-tracks she already legally owns, she’s liable for $120,000 in damages to the RIAA, none of which will go to the recording artists.

“You’re not going to turn me in or anything, are you?” asked Barker, but it was too late. We had already turned her in to the local police, firefighters, and a guy I think was actually just an icecream man, though he did have a siren.

“I don’t even know what to do with this complaint,” said Jector Namewithheld, Badge #1836, an icecream fireman, police firefighter, or fire icesmith. “This isn’t something in our jurisdiction.”

“No, we know that the vast, overwhelming majority of so-called piracy cases are people downloading music that they already own, or can listen to for free on streaming services or over the radio,” said James Hayworth, director of candid relations at BMI, “but there’s so much money in sueing these pricks it would be criminal not to prosecute them.”

Mr. Hayworth asked to interviewed off-the-record, but only after his inflamatory remarks, so we basically shut off the recorder at that point.

“Music has been free for 80-years,” said Jason Sony, grandson of Taku Sony, and heir to the sony fortune. “If you hum it, they’ll want to tax it. That’s sad, but it’s the truth. They tried to make ring-tones a public performance, subject to royalties. Shameless, dude. They have no shame.”

When asked if by “they” he meant “he” has no shame, Sony refused to comment, but cut three lines in his forearm.

Dark, I know.

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Age Old Joke Takes Dark Turn; Escalates Quickly (COMIC)


You know the age-old joke, “Why is 6 afraid of 7.” Well what happens when the smart-ass kid you’re telling it to already knows the joke?

Well apparently, you ruin their childhood.

CLICK on the image to see the cartoon full-sized.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

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Posted in Comics, Kidz ZoneComments (3)

Google Search For ‘Oscar Pistorius Murder Trial’ Evolves Into ‘Reeva Steenkamp Topless’


INDIANAPOLIS – During a routine navigation of the internet Friday, a local man’s Google search for the keywords “Oscar Pistorius murder trial” evolved over the course of 7 minutes into “Reeva Steenkamp Topless.”

Initially looking to gain up-to-the-minute news on the murder trial of South Africa’s famed special Olympian, Indianapolis man James Kinsella subconsciously clicked a related article about Pistorius’ late girlfriend Miss Steenkamp – who the athlete is accused of murdering. Read the full story

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Jodi Arias’s Shocking Sex Claim Stuns Mormon Community


In a trial that has been laced with sexual revelations that have left many scratching their heads, probably the one that caused the most shock in the Mormon community was uttered by the defendant today.

Trying to recover from days of extensive cross examination, Jodi Arias responded to a question by her defense attorney with, “Yeah, it’s kind of funny, but for a Mormon he never showed any interest in the missionary position.”

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

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Copycat Killer Incapable Of Coming Up With Exciting Murder Scenarios of His Own


INDIANAPOLIS – Confessing Tuesday to the killing of 23-year-old Katheryn Morgan, copycat killer Dwayne Paulsen admitted that he is “just incapable” of coming up with creative murder scenarios of his own.

Paulsen’s modus operandi bore stark similarities to that of Jake Howlett, who killed and buried three women in Indianapolis in 2007, before being sentenced to life imprisonment at Wabash Valley Correctional Facility. Read the full story

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“Hopefully, One Day I’ll Finish The Job By Capping Paul And Ringo” – Mark David Chapman


Chilling words indeed from the slayer of former Beatle, John Lennon – but this is exactly what a former cellmate of the Catcher In The Rye freak alleges was said to him during a private conversation with Chapman.

“We were talking about gun control,” said former inmate Abe Johnson, currently out on parole. “Chapman was defending the Second Amendment to the hilt, saying that every American citizen – no matter how screwed up in the head they may be – should have the right to bear arms.” Read the full story

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Posted in Crime, Strange PeopleComments (4)

NRA: Recent Home Shooting Proves we Should Arm All Homes


Our nation was rocked this week when it was discovered that three minors and two adults were murdered in a spree shooting in New Mexico, prompting the NRA to declare that all homes should have an armed guard.

Bernalillo County Sherrif’s deputy’s were horrified at the scene, but NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre was quick to quip, “If this home had been armed, maybe things would have ended a little differently.” Read the full story

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God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family


INDIANAPOLIS – Responding to recent allegations made by the perpetrator himself, His Lordship Almighty God categorically denied Saturday that he had convinced local man Wayne Calzone to murder his wife and two sons.

God’s emphatic response comes after 32-year-old Calzone made claims to officials at the Indianapolis Police Department that he was “carrying out the work of the Almighty, and that “God told me it was the right thing to do.” Read the full story

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Children’s Museum Launches Terrifying ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ Exhibit


INDIANAPOLIS – Ahead of its busy Halloween season this month, The Children’s Museum of Indianapolis today piloted a terrifying exhibit in which children were subjected to re-enacted scenes from the movie The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Offering families a special $5 discount, museum officials said they hoped to put on “an extravaganza that kids could remember for years to come”, adding that “this (exhibit) would be more than just your usual haunted house. Kids will walk away from this experience feeling legitimately petrified”. Read the full story

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Big Bird Found Dead, Romney Questioned


The Muppets character Big Bird was found dead today in his duplex cage on New York City’s Upper East Side.

New York City police have not announced a cause of death, but according to anonymous insiders, the 43-year old television star’s demise is the subject of a murder investigation.

Sources say that police have questioned Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who is on record as saying he would “cut” Big Bird. Cut being a street slang term for murder by knife. Read the full story

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Posted in Kidz Zone, TelevisionComments (2)

Clint Eastwood Kills 14 At Democratic National Convention


CHARLOTTE, NC – In a shocking rampage that also left 37 people wounded, screen legend and Republican supporter, Clint Eastwood, killed 14 people at the Democratic National Convention Wednesday.

Just one week after an infamous speech at the RNC in Tampa.

Allegedly breaking into the conference via a backdoor, Eastwood reportedly popped off several rounds into the gathered crowd, declaring: “Democrats can, you know… wow, I thought I… what’s going on?” Read the full story

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Brutal, Merciless Shooting Thankfully Not Linked to Terrorism


NEW YORK, NY – A brutal shooting that recently left 2 people dead and several wounded outside the Empire State Building is not believed to be linked to terrorism, say relieved news sources.

Even though 11 people were wounded after the gunman killed a former co-worker with a gunshot to the head, it has been confirmed that no one in the vicinity – including numerous lucky police officers, residents and tourists – was, at any point, terrorized by the perpetrator. Read the full story

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