Tag Archive | "israel"

Israelis and Palestinians Finally Agree on Something… Unfortunately


The UN Council, sick of the never ending strife in Israel between the Jews and the Arabs, came up with a novel idea for mediating a lasting truce. They employed Buddhists to act as peacekeepers.

The Buddhist faith, probably among the most peaceful of any of the earthly religions, emphasizes tolerance, good will and understanding as its most important virtues.

The UN high council members thought that having Buddhist monks watching over the two Mid-east enemies might bring about the long sought after peace that the area had lacked for the last 70 years. Read the full story

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Glossy Gets First Hand Account Of Israeli Settlers Taking Over Palestinian Land


A side development of the current Israeli/Palestinian conflict is the Israeli annexing of further Palestinian land for their ever-swelling population of new comers.

According to U.N. accords the land once called Palestine was divided into specific and definite sections- determined parts for the Jews and determined parts for the Arabs.

Since that time Israel has often and often brutally confiscated Arab territory for the immigrants they lure to their land to ensure that they have a large enough population to stave off Arab attacks. Read the full story

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“Bibi, stop bombing or we’ll cut your bullets,” Obama Tells Netanyahu


Gaza, an open-air prison? Israel’s $3 billion-a-year welfare check threatened? America scolds Israel? STOP THE PRESS!!!

A leaked White House transcript of a heated phone-call earlier today reveals that US President Barack Obama told Israel’s Zionist Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu that his apartheid regime’s bombardment of Gaza city is stretching America’s Hollywood-Bubble Gum TV News propaganda system out to its theoretical limits.

Because Israel’s brutal siege on Gaza associates the US with a war crime that is becoming obvious to “Dumb-dee-doo Christians, video-game addicts and the UN”, Obama told Netanyahu to “desist already” with Israel’s massacre of Palestinians trapped inside the walled-in city. This leak is published in humankinds’ interests. Read the full story

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ScarJo Quits OXFAM, Joins IDF


Tel Aviv, Israel - Possibly fearing career backlash over her eight year stint as official ambassador for international human rights organization OXFAM, Scarlett Johansson has decided to join the Israel Defense Forces (IDF).

“I am very happy to be part of the IDF and will work very hard to turn back the tide of anti-Semitic Jew hate typified by organizations like OXFAM. Mazel Tov!” said Johansson. Read the full story

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Likud Party Withdraws Support, Obama Government Collapses


WASHINGTON, D.C. – After several long hours of wrangling over the type of missiles to employ when the United States strikes Tehran next week, the Likud Party withdrew its support from President Barack Obama’s governing coalition, causing it to fall apart.

The withdrawal of Likud, which comprises 30 percent of all the seats in the House of Koshers, resulted in the government dropping below the 51 percent of seats needed to maintain power, and led to the scheduling of fresh elections for late December. Read the full story

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Millions Mourn South African Terrorist


JOHANNESBURG – With wails running free across the air, millions of grieving humans gathered in Sandton Square on Friday afternoon to mourn the passing of a great and respected national terrorist from South Africa.

Participants interviewed expressed an almost uniform admiration for the late terrorist, with many fighting back an outpour of their emotions.

“He was just so perfect,” said tourist Jean Paul Golddollar between a tear-soaked handkerchief. “No matter how much the Western governments tried, they failed to extinguish his drive to kill innocent people.” Read the full story

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Israel/Palestine Tentatively Agree to Two-State Solution


Our writer Barb Weir has been faithfully advocated peace both on Glossy News and directly to world leaders. What follows is an exclusive, and one provided to us on the strict confidence that we would not release it until the appropriate time.

But for us, the appropriate time is now, since I have to go to sleep momentarily, and I simply can’t wait for CNN to bum rush the story, as they rush to pull it out of their bums. Read the full story

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Real Christians needed to help remove Arabs


The ad read “Real Christians needed to help remove Arabs” so I called the number and pretended to be a volunteer. A pleasant, cheery woman’s voice responded.

CAFI: Christian Alliance For Israel. Doing God’s work.

Barb Weir: Hi. I saw the ad for real Christians and I want to apply.

RIGHT: Christians do God’s will. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Samantha Power: Israel to replace US on Security Council


Samantha Power, President Barack Obama’s nominee to replace outgoing U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, Susan Rice, has promised to push for a UN Security Council seat for Israel. (Loyalty to Israel is considered a prerequisite for high office, and creative ways of advancing Israel’s agenda are often rewarded with career advancement.)

RIGHT: Samantha Power completes her training. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Israel Forces Palestinians In The Occupied Territories To Wear Yellow Star Of David


Israel, in its constant repression and controlling of the Palestinians living in the areas of the West Bank and Gaza that they keep a tight control over, have started forcing Palestinians to wear a yellow cloth Star Of David on their clothing so that they are easier to identify in public.

Critics have stated that this action is reminiscent of the Nazi’s forcing the Jews in Germany during World War II to also wear a star of David to identify themselves, to which Israeli authorities have replied “Nah, we just do it to humiliate them and to make them a better target for ridicule and abuse. Read the full story

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New ‘Trans-Jewish’ Movement Sparks Outrage


A new movement being popularized on Tumblr is seeking to show solidarity with individuals worldwide who feel they are “Trans-Jewish.”

According to other posts on the page, the author is concerned with giving a voice to people such as himself, who were born in the wrong religion but are not being accepted by the world. He recounts his experience of coming out as trans-Jewish to his father with the following post: Read the full story

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Michele Bachman Comes Out as Eggplant


ST. PAUL – Democrats and Republicans alike are in shock after famed Congresswoman Michele Bachmann announced her exit from the closet as a proud American Eggplant.

The move, which came after her recent decision not to seek reelection to the U.S. House of Representatives, is being called the “new, softer side” of the Minnesota firebrand.

Standing before the press corps on the veranda of her home with husband Marcus at her side and wearing a full-sized eggplant costume with a green stalk hat, Bachmann explained how she came to accept her identity as an eggplant, something she has struggled with since her early days living in a Kibbutz in Israel.

“I always saw myself as an eggplant in Israel, and believe this change is all for the better. As President Obama continues to ramp up his plans to invade our greatest ally and install Van Jones as dictator of Jerusalem, the country needs a strong advocate for its own defense.” Read the full story

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Interview with Israeli Foreign Minister John Kerry


My request to interview the Israeli Foreign Minister about Syria was granted, but I was surprised to find John Kerry at the appointment. “Israel and the U.S. have such a close relationship,” he explained, “that each can speak for the other. I rarely have to ask for guidance, so you will get the same answers from either of us, and the same honesty, too.”

RIGHT: John Kerry recites the Pledge of Allegiance. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Drunk Telephone Pole Hits Pedestrian


WASHINGTON, D.C. – Capitol Hill is under lockdown after reports that an intoxicated telephone pole hit a pedestrian walking by his position on Constitution Avenue.

The assault allegedly occurred early Saturday morning after a pair of street lamps to the tree’s north and south suddenly shut off, allowing the cover necessary to strike Anthony Goldberg, AIPAC’s senior legal counsel.

Police have managed to chain down the tree, known by other shrubbery as Franklin, and are awaiting a court date to charge him with Growing Under Influence (GUI). Read the full story

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Breaking News: Ayatollah Converts to Judaism


TEHRAN – Millions of Iranians have been left dumbfounded after the Ayatollah Khomeini announced his conversion to Judaism.

News agencies in Iran say the Supreme Leader underwent his change of faiths early Wednesday and chose to make an announcement only now with the hopes of cheering up his wife, who has been quite cranky for the last few weeks.

On-scene reporter Frank Douglas noted the shift in religious loyalties could force the United States to give Iran foreign aid, which its economy desperately needs after years of floundering due to sanctions imposed by the West. Read the full story

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Israel: Never mind the bleeding, it was cardiac arrest


According to Israeli authorities, 30-year-old Palestinian prisoner Arafat Jaradat died of cardiac arrest five days after being arrested on February 18, 2013. Because of doubts, however, I asked to interview the prison medical examiner who had listed the cause of death. “Of course,” replied the Press Officer, “just be sure to pass through the Israeli Office of Press Censorship when you finish your report.” On this condition I was introduced the the coroner, Selova Proval. Following is the interview.

RIGHT: “Yes, children. Joan of Arc died of cardiac arrest.” (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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