SAD! ISIS Caliph Wakes up in Hell with 72 Incels… 不不不不不

islamic state

Crazy cat bachelor and flamboyant Glastonbury fashionista Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has ended with a little spot of bother after splitting hell wide open in Episode II of ‘Quite Possibly Purely FAKE and Imaginary American Terrorist Assassinations.’

GUESS WHAT HAPPENED NEXT…

Smacking his chops with typical beta bro incel jihadi lust, the Ayatollah of All Asexual 4chanistas was horrified to discover that his degree from Baghdad hadn’t actually paid off in the end. It turns out that for a millennium and a half, a very simple Arabic mistranslation has been leading deluded choppers and unhinged social jihad warriors to a rather unfortunate, misguided, futile and ultimately (perhaps) a somewhat tragic death!

daesh
thierry ehrmann from Saint Romain au Mont d’Or, France, Europe [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

REVISIONIST QURAN SCHOLARSHIP BREAKTHROUGH

World-renowned and borderline-infallible scholars of Islam such as Douglas K Murray, Richard Littlejohn, Dick Cheney and Bill Maher have pointed out that the Quran passage in question is actually highly ambiguous, and more than one interpretation is possible. If anything, ’72 virgins’ is an odd and quite possibly politicallly motivated mistranslation. According to widely respected Islam experts like Fox News and the Daily Mail, ‘virgin’ is most likely to be rendered accurately as ‘asexual,’ ‘demisexual’ or even ‘incel.’

BUT ISIS SEEM TO DISAGREE, AND THEY’RE A LITTLE ANGRY ABOUT IT…

jihadism terrorism
thierry ehrmann from Saint Romain au Mont d’Or, France, Europe [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

MEDIA CONSENSUS FORMING ON NEW THEOLOGICAL INSIGHTS

Although America’s and Britain’s conservative media consider this to be a sign of the generally unhinged nature of the Good Book, more liberal-leaning outlets like CNN and the BBC argue that these striking findings shows the foundational scripture of Islam to be, on the contrary, well ahead of the curve, compared to arrogant, hate-filled, texts like the Bhagavad Gita, the Dao De Jing and St John’s Gospel.

me, maurizio jaya costantino [CC BY-SA 4.0], via Wikimedia Commons

INTEL CREEPS ON INCEL CREEPS

Our confidential sources from the underworld intelligence community say that al-Baghdadi is practically jizzing himself with rage, pointing out that given all he’s done, and the sacrifices he’s made for the Caliphate, he deserves better than several dozen Boris Johnson / Emmanuel Macron lookalikes.

Elliot Rodger

But if it’s any consolation, Elliot Rodger and Dylan Roof ain’t very happy with their new bunkmate! LOL! Still, hope they get over it soon… God only knows they’re not gonna be short on time! So loooooong, suckers! 不不不不不不不不不不不不

Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at wallacerunnymede#gmail.com (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!

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