Nigel Farage is concerned that his Edgy-Rhetorical-Hobby-Club is hemorrhaging voters.
So His-Most-Exalted-Joe-Blogginess has come up with a plan to stop the rot (if not the moral decay) within his Circle-Jerk-Pet-Peeve-Party:
It seems for some wholly (in-)explicable reason, everybody thinks we are actually racist.
Instead of merely PRETENDING to be racist.
You know, solely in order to get elected…
So that, just for the sake of some Groundbreaking-Hipster-Irony™, we could create a Genuinely-Harmonious-Multicultural-Rainbow-Nation…
In order to piss off The-Ubiquitously-Big-Three and All-Those-Guardian-Sipping-Cappucino-Readers™.
Sorry, wrong way round, I didn’t mean to say that; I’m just tired and tend to get my words mixed up…
Like when I tell people at the club to let me get ground up upon by them, as all the Hip/Groovy/Ethnically-Chic/Semantically-Trendy people say nowadays.
Anyway, why don’t we just go the whole hog, and actually become a Genuine-Non-Non-Racist-Party (that’s right, got to spin it correctly of course)…
And then we can pick up any disaffected former BNP, National Front voters…
Or perhaps more realistically, any gerrymandered ballots of some kind of ethnic origin and/or foreign extraction; Golkarist/Ba’athist/Peronist/Poujadist/Talibanist/Joachim-Of-Fiore-Ists?
Yes, that would be the ultimate protest vote!
But former Hipster-Socialist/Unacknowledged-In-More-Ways-Than-One-Lefty-Collectivist/Race-Baiting-Blood-And-Soil-Ideologue Nick Griffin is unimpressed:
So, that’s his plan, is it? Well, these Silver-Spoon-Straight-Vanilla-Chauvinists are going to have to work pretty hard on their image then, aren’t they!
Yeah, these people are only supposed to be poncey civic nationalists; no, there’s not the merest hint of Blood and Soil rhetoric about them, as far as I can see!…
Well yeah, I mean, the National Front even thought MY party was too “mainstream” (note the first person possessive pronoun; kinda intellectual, huh!)…
Well, before the Devious-Zionist-Media, Andorran-Gay-Illuminati, Serbian-Metrosexual-Skull-And-Bones-Club, and Shape-Shifting-Alligator-Swedenborgian-Transgender-Trade-Unionists-Cabal ruined it!
That is, when the latter collaborated with a notorious Jehovah’s-Freemasonite (George Soros), the Priory-Of-Zionist-Sion, the 16th-Century-Anabaptizing-Sectarians and Certain-Bastard-Muslamically-Clerical-Death-Cultists (the Hashishim), and all the other ones…
(The “Hashishim” reference? That’s right, I’ve been to Cambridge to read White European History; how many of my haters can say that?)
… Sorry, didn’t mean to cause offence™. When I said “haters,” I didn’t mean it in a black kind of way.
Anyway, the Vast-Other-Kind-of-Hard-Lefty-Conspirators, I can’t be arsed listing them all, I can show you a Youtube video if you are interested…
Well, it was Literally-Worse-Than-July-20™, when those treacherous foreign shitbags murdered Hitler!
Yes, these bastards bribed my pretentious co-wankers; sorry co-workers… and got me exiled from the political scene, when we were on the edge of absolute victory.
As if they (or The-Pure-Anglo-Saxon-White-Race-In-General™), could do without me!
I mean, in our entire history, we actually got two whole candidates elected! They didn’t know when they had a good thing going; a bit like those bloody French wankers in the 1940s!
But from now on, there will be a complete reversal of fortunes… they’ll end up like those pretentious bastards from the National Front…
Yeah, a completely marginal group of fringe wackos and nutjobs, which good, honest, hard-working, white British folks will spit at in the street!
Bit of a radical decline, huh? Well, they’d best get used to it! As A-Certain-Fellow-Edgy-Socialist-Of-Mine once said:
“If my Reich doesn’t win the war, then the whole scummy sell-out Nation deserves to be annihilated anyway!”
So, how much more so UKIP? UKIP are doomed!
But Farage’s idea has found support from a Less-Than-Non-Unsurprising-Source. Marine Le Pen thinks the idea is wonderful:
“Mesdames et Messieurs!” she beams with her customary radiant MILF-ish (not to say “MILF-isant”) charisma:
Monsieur Nigel Farage has now finally found his way back home! This is the best day in the history of our République; or at least the past 70 years or so!
Our imperial hopes and dreams are about to be realized: A-Fully-And-Finally-United-Europe will soon be a reality!
Mais oui! Complementing the inspiration from this handsome Upstairs-Rosbif with some token assistance from our Phalangically-Correct-And-Oh-So-Fascisant-Bastards-Next-Door…
We will soon have a Single-Common-Market-And-Reich beyond the dreams of Napoleon, Hitler, and even Angela Merkel!
And this time around, we didn’t even have to bash The Jews™, The Immigrants™, and The Persons of Homosexual Status™, in order to do so!
But Former-Quirky-UKIP-Celebrity/Genial-Wordsmith/Monological-Fringe-Comedian, Godfrey Bloom, is somewhat underwhelmed…
At least, more underwhelmed than His-Usual-Cheeky-Chappie/Salt-Of-The-Earth/Northern-Worker/Cockney-Barrow-Boy/General-Working-Class-Hero-Self:
They are backpedaling now. They ought to have known that all that Blood and Soil rhetoric is pretty outdated. I mean, perhaps it’s a generational thing.
Yes, Farage recently told me over a pint of homely Asturian pear cider in a good old, solid, cozy, English tavern in Somerset, that people’s ways of language have changed over the millennia, and we have to move with the times…
Well, apart from all that stuff about pandering to flamboyant queens and to noisy break dancing parties for Persons-Of-Alternative-Ethnic-Status…
(See, I can be PC enough when I want to be, can’t I?)
Well… moving with the times? That’s the same thing he once told me about Bongo Bongo Land. Yes… perhaps it’s a generational thing. If he told me, it must be so.
…Especially because anyone who contradicts Our Glorious Leader (US-Dollars-Be-Upon-Him) deserves all they get…
Or rather, they and their closest 100 acquaintances; mathematically adjusted according to various Purely-Objective-And-Entirely-Value-Free™ economic and social factors, of course.
Still, I’m a Self-Identified-Expert-In-Austrian-Economics (exerting my Pseudo-Lefty… sorry, Lefty-Pseudo-Intellectual-Power-To-Name™ here, so I’m clearly a non-partisan)…
Ultimately, and conveniently enough for us, you won’t believe that I am plotting anything so purely macroeconomic (to wit, quantitative/arithmetical) in character.
By the way, the High Treasury of The Party have asked you to give me our Guinea-a-Minute right now!
However, not everyone is resigned to the fact that an Entirely-Undemocratic-And-Unaccountable-Euro-Corporatist-Superstate is about to be tragically replaced by an Entirely-Undemocratic-And-Unaccountable-Euro-Corporatist-Superstate.
For, unverified and disturbing rumors persist™ that Brad Pitt and a violent gang of disaffected supporting actors are closing in on The-Wrong-Side-Of-The-Atlantic™.
Normally, people arriving from The-Wrong-Side-Of-The-Atlantic (or any other direction) has UKIP members shitting their pickles.
I mean, why reduce yourself to merely regulating immigration more efficiently and introducing skill sets to reduce the threat of Darwinian competition…
When you can make some spookily inflammatory posters of Dover’s “Pristinely-WHITE-Cliffs?”
Like the UKIP posters you have seen already, or the sequel lined up for the 2015 election…
Those which add to the picturesque scene some Danny-Boyle-Esque images of Flesh-Eating-Poles, Blood-Sucking-Hungarians, and Cannibalistic-Bactrians-and-Sogdians™…
(Huh? Hell if I know; ask His-Most-Exalted-Post-Cambridge-Goosesteppiness)…
A panorama of Disconcertingly-Non-English-Sounding-Figures climbing sinisterly, with spiderlike tread, up the cool, smooth, and tender white flesh of the South coast… in order to silently and secretively drain Sleepy-And-Virginal-London of her financial lifeblood.
(No jingoistic Gilbert and Sullivan allusion intended).
Still, Farage is not worried.
“These Safe-And-Comfortable, Entirely-Non-Threatening, and Thoroughly-Non-Perilous, or in short, Totally-NON-EUROPEAN people from America?
“Ha! They can’t even pronounce my name! How can they possibly pose a threat to our Highly-Confidential-And-Never-To-Be-Made-Public, I mean our One-Glorious-And-Final-Europe-Policy…
“Oh. Shit.”
Whoops! What a pity if your Unprecedentedly-Enlightened-Plan-For-A-United-Europe™ ended up failing on a mere journalistic technicality, Nigel…