Categorized | Human Interest

Shrink Advice for Torn in the Corn

Shrink Advice for Torn in the Corn

Dear Dink,

I’m 25, finally finished with college, and still living with my parents. Although it is not in my career field, I have a decent job and am making pretty good money. I think I am ready to move out of the house and start a life of my onw, and I would really love to move in with my boyfriend.

The problem is he currenly has no job. He has a great future though, and maybe I could be the motivator he needs. My parents aren’t crazy about me moving in with him, especially since he does not have a job.  They would rather I just stay put with them. What should I do?

Torn in the corn,

Dear Corn,

The answer to this riddle all depends on where you want to end up later in life.

If you stay living at home with no costs you may actually have a chance at financial freedom by the time you are 73 years old. This, however, depends on your career choice. Did you major in some meaningless subject like mathematics? What the hell does a mathematician do anyways? I guess mathematicians probably work government jobs which means you won’t have to work your fingers to the bone until you’re 73, might be 54 or 55 when you retire. If that is the case well bravo!

On the other hand moving in with your boyfriend can be rewarding as well. You will be free from your mommy and daddy telling you what you can and can’t do. How old did you say you are?

However, within a year you could be pregnant with your bastard boyfriend’s bastard baby as he decides he isn’t ready to settle down and takes off with your best friend the stripper. Well that will teach you a lesson for having a stripper as your best friend, but I guess they need friends too.

Unable to support yourself and afraid go back to mommy and daddy since they told you this would happen, you yourself decide to enter the dancing profession. You then find yourself addicted to meth and homeless in the mean streets of Dubuque. “Is this hell” you ask the local gas station clerk, and the clerk responds, “No, it’s Iowa”.

Bottom line here is to continue free-loading off of mommy and daddy until they ask you to leave. I don’t care if you are 30 and have a little paper route for your fun money, as long as they are willing to fork over the cash to keep you safe and sound, take the deal.

Tell that bum boyfriend of yours if he wants you to move in he better get a damn good job, a big ass house, and the biggest diamond ring west of the Mississippi. In the words of Beyoncé put a ring on it!


This post was written by

- who has written 29 posts on

Advice/humor columnist from Madison, WI. Yes, Madison is the birthplace of The Onion, but those hosers have nothing on Glossy News!


Leave a Reply

We are also looking for a satire editor
and a Clever Photoshop Guru...
Glossy News Exclusive Exposés

-- (SEE ALL Videos) --

Glossy News Fake Commercials!

Glossy News Podcast

(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)

More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?

Check This Out! shop dresses online

Recommended Sportsbook

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial