We put out $275 in cash prizes for top authors last month, and while nobody beat the top archive stories, we still handed out an additional three cash prizes.
We set out three prizes. One for the top-read article, one for the “funniest” article, and one as a “judges choice,” but we paid out a total of six awards.
Well, we’ll never do that again. Funniest? Throw myself into a volcano before I try to judge such an arbitrary metric again. So many killer entries, how am I supposed to pick?
Here are the top five read stories of December, 2013
#5 – “Tareq Salahi Crashes Ex-Wife, Michaele’s Wedding” by P. Beckert
#4 – “Come on, Google ChromeCast, You Know What We Want” by Dexter Sinistri (ineligible)
#3 – “Alex Jones Claims Brain Farts are Real and Dangerous” by P. Beckert
#2 – “Ann Romney Accidentally Leaves Husband Mitt at Gas Station” by P. Beckert
And at number one, drum roll please…
#1 – “Duck Dynasty Cancelled! A&E Introduces New Reality Show” by FreeMann.
FreeMann, the Photoshop-impaired author who only signed up as a writer in the final days of December, whose story was published on December 31st, has won the top prize. Congratulations to FreeMann!
FreeMann Acceptance Speech – The late Rodney Dangerfield frequently said “I don’t get no respect,” while some guy from the Vietnam War compared something to a box of chocolates. I want to thank both of them, my wife and my purple fanbase for making this award possible. I won’t let you down!
ARBITRARILY FUNNIEST STORY:
This was the hardest one because there were so, so many really great stories in December. It came down to 8 entries from 7 different (non-me) authors that were all exceptional, but two of them were from newcomer Benjamin Cain.
So Mr. Cain takes the December Funniest Story award for “Ice Storm Victims Learn Horrible True Meaning of Christmas“. Congratulations Benjamin Cain!
Benjamin Cain Acceptance Speech: Thanks very much to Brian White for the prize for Arbitrarily-Selected Funniest Story.
I prefer contests that lack objective criteria or rational rules for determining the quality of submissions. Quality is chosen best by a judge’s whim, I find — as long as the judge is a benevolent dictator, like God.
When God judges his favourite people, he’s not going to lay out the reasoning behind his decisions. [music plays him off, as he ran 4-paragraphs beyond this point.]
FUNNIEST STORY SPECIAL MENTIONS:
Even whittling down as I did, I wanted to recognize the runners-up. These are the three stories that just barely missed the top spot, and didn’t otherwise win a prize:
• NickFun for “Drug Makers Reintroduce Measles to America”
NickFun Acceptance speech – Thank you so much for this incredible honor! Now I might even write some more stories to keep you all entertained and well-informed. The mainstream media seems unable to do that!
• Steve Fisher for “A Low Point for President Jesus”
Steve Fisher Acceptance speech – Thanks GlossyNews for the kudo, but especially for existing. Since The Onion doesn’t accept outside submissions and The New Yorker doesn’t accept satirical news stories except by Andy Borowitz, it’s great that there’s a place for us to share, get exposure for and receive feedback on our efforts. All the best to the whole GN crew in 2014!”
As for the prize money, Brian, just drop mine in the nearest Salvation Army collection pot or hand it to someone who looks like they need it. And thanks!
(Steve Fisher’s Prize has been donated, per our agreement, to the Tukwila Pantry, a food bank that provides food for thousands, plus a Tuesday Table dinner… yes, Brian K. White is also a volunteer there.)
• and rfreed for “Uncle Truly Astonished by Nephew Kim Jong Un’s Surprise Party”
Acceptance Speech – Thank you, thank you all for this beloved honor.
On behalf of myself I have no one to thank but myself for being so wonderful.
I am sure most people, except fools, would agree.
Of course, some would say it was just natural talent that brought me this far,
but believe me, there is nothing natural about it.
It is just plain out and out talent that only few mortals will ever possess.
Many may be envious, but that is the lot of life.
Some have oodles and oodles of talent and charm
and others just have oodles.
What can I say?
Other than “SORRY SUCKERS!!!” that is.
It wasn’t part of the original deal, but the three runners up have each won $20. Great work guys. I know it’s not the prize you were after, but you deserve recognition. Congratulations to NickFun, Steve Fisher and rfreed.
JUDGE’S CHOICE SPECIAL AWARD:
Hands down this goes to P. Beckert for having 3 of the top 5 December stories. Beckert also spell-checked and edited most of the month’s articles to ensure they were error free, and posted a number of constructive, conversation-provoking comments to stories. Congratulations to P. Beckert.
acceptance SpeechAnyone who tells you writing satire is easy is kidding you. Actually, writing satire is all about kidding. What I mean to say is, I kid you not, I’m honored to be among some of the biggest and best kidders around. And to win something for doing something I love, well, you know what I mean. thanks. And congratulations to the new kid on the block who took first. And kinda new kid on the block who took second. You keep me on my toes.
Special thanks to Kilroy and rfreed for really stepping up their games in terms of submissions and comments. You guys make GlossyNews a better place and January is a whole new competition.
And if you’ve got what it takes, it’s not too late to jump into the January contest and earn a chunk of the $250 up for grabs.
Honest, I didn’t swipe it. I think Brian has some ‘splainin to do.
How did that comparison get attributed to you? I must be missing something. I just didn’t want to deprive anyone of my speech’s fabulous punchline.
And I think God could take a joke. The whole universe is a prank, isn’t it? Again, maybe I’m missing something.
I wondered how the God/YouTube quote got somehow attributed to me. I am not an atheist, so I am not going to anger God so much as to compare him to Brian. I’ll let Benjamin Cain take that rap. Especially since I had a dream about the end of the world last night, and well, let’s just say, God was nowhere to be found.
Can I be like one of those deranged actors at an award show, who gets played off for going too long in his speech but is then so self-centered that he somehow finds a way to get back on stage to finish his speech?
Well, for anyone interested in my speech’s punchline, here’s the whole thing in all its glory:
****
Thanks very much to Brian White for the prize for Arbitrarily-Selected Funniest Story.
I prefer contests that lack objective criteria or rational rules for determining the quality of submissions. Quality is chosen best by a judge’s whims, I find—as long as the judge is a benevolent dictator, like God.
When God judges his favourite people, he’s not going to lay out the reasoning behind his decisions. He’s got no one else to answer to, after all, so his choice of those he wants to hang around with for eternity will be arbitrary. You’ve just got to trust that someone who’s supposed to be perfect has pretty good taste as far as these things go.
Look at the opposite sort of judgment in YouTube’s selection of top videos. Those winners are chosen democratically, so naturally the videos that rise to the top when the inferior masses are free to have their say are abominable.
So thanks to Brian White for being more like God than like YouTube.
God we are an awesome bunch, arent’ we? For my 2 cents’ worth, my favorite funny story was the Steve Fisher one, “A Low Point for President Jesus.” Steve, you are every bit as funny as Andy Borowitz. And probably a lot more generous.