Spokespersons for GlaxoSmithKline, Merk, Pfizer and other makers of immunization therapies stated today that the pharmaceutical industry is reintroducing the measles virus to America.
“The measles virus was eradicated throughout most of the world”, said Pfizer spokesperson Juliette Riposs. “Fewer people were having their children vaccinated and this was cutting into our profit margin!”
Riposs reminded consumers that the pharmaceutical industry controls not only the vaccines but also the virus itself. In order to remain profitable the industry has either reintroduced viruses or genetically modified them so as they once again become a serious threat.
“If we really wanted to cure people of viruses we’ve had a cure for all of them for years but there’s no profit in a cure!” said Merk Product Director Jamie Silverito. “It’s much more cost effective and profitable to treat the symptoms!”
A spokesperson for Vicks Inc stated, “do you think anyone is going to buy Vape-o-Rub or sinus medicine if they never get a cold or the flu? Hell no!”
Jack Lew, the US Secretary of the Treasury, reminded Americans that the pharmaceutical industry is keeping the U.S. Solvent, creates jobs for millions of workers, stimulates the economy and prevents financial disaster.
“You can take your liberal pansy bullshit and stuff it down the crapper” Lew told the media. “We need money and the pharmaceutical industry knows how to make it. Get your kid vaccinated. Contribute some money to the economy. Or else your kids will get measles!”