A call from a man claiming responsibility for the recent Twitter hacking, which was originally reported to have been orchestrated by a group calling itself the Iranian Cyber Army, has now been traced to a bungalow in a Washington, D.C. suburb registered to the name of Tareq and Michaele Salahi. The Salahis are claiming complete responsibility for the brief crashing of Twitter, and Tareq Salahi is said to be quite upset that the Iranian’s are getting so much press for this feat, when, in fact, it was a Palestinian-backed stunt.

Due to new testing methods recently developed to test men’s peckers for STD’s, male prostitutes are slated to join in the chicken dance at brothels across rural Nevada.

The owner of the first ranch to offer men up to clients said he “feared the idea of male prostitutes serving male clients could spur a legislative backlash” but he is working hard (no pun intended) “to make the brothel industry socially acceptable to both libertarians and conservatives.” (Yes, he really said that).

Did he just diss the progressives or is it just a case of being a good citizen and allowing the conservatives and libertarians to come out of the bathrooms and into socially-acceptable brothels?

I went into a Kroger’s today, and not one person wished me a Fruitful Kwanzaa….when i went to the WalMart to pick up some tasty steaks, again, not one Fruitful Kwanzaa….what is up with that? Have we come to such a place in this country that chain stores are so afraid of “political correctness” that they tell their employers not to wish anyone a Fruitful Kwanzaa and replace it with the Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays greeting instead?

I called Fox Noise and told them this was another example of political correctness run amok, and they told me they had way too many other petty things to bitch about to care about some half-african seasonal greeting and that maybe if i want to hear somebody wish me a Fruitful Kwanzaa I should park my happy ass on the next plane heading back to Africa.

It was announced today that Adam Lambert is cautiously being asked to perform at the Academy Awards.

The caveat is that he must appear solo on stage, wear a loose-fitting jogging suit, and sing a medley of Barry Manilow and Julie Andrews tunes.

Today is the first day of the new credit card rules mandated by Congress. For the first time in our history, these companies must now offer to “lube up” and to take you out to dinner at a “mid-priced or better restaurant, no drive thrus, especially those that make you order from some sort of clown shaped device.” These new rules were praised by advocates on both sides of the aisle, including former republican senator Larry “Wide-Stance” Craig of Minnesota, who called it, “the least these companies could do- for years they treated you like you had just walked into a restroom at a Minnesota airport, not that there is anything wrong with that.”

In an ironic twist of fate, the very animals that Zhu Zhu Pets are fashioned after are being used to test the toxic levels of antimony in the fur and noses of the popular Christmas toy, and the live pets are not faring as well as their robotic counterparts. When the toys were put into the cages of the live guinea pigs, the animals started going haywire, biting into the fur of the Zhu Zhus. However, when the popular 1990’s toy, Kung Fu Gerbils were put in the cage, behavior returned to normal.

In a surprise appearance at today’s White House Press briefing, President Obama introduced Dan Rather as his new “Dead Tree Press Czar.” Rather will be tasked to oversee the federal takeover of 27 failing liberal newspapers. “We cannot allow newsrooms favorable to our agenda to disappear simply because the American people no longer trust them,” the President said. “That would be honest, but stupid.” Rather chimed in with, “My uncle used to say, ‘When you got live fish in a barrel, catch the whoppers first and gut ‘em ‘fore you go back to the bait store.” From the back of the room, Democratic advisor James Carville called out “Hey Dan! Say what?”

Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) held a press conference last week to announce that he has started the process within the Ohio State court system to officially change his family name from Boehner (pronounced Boner) to BAY-ner (what he says is the correct pronunciation of his last name according to his official website). Boehner has tried unsuccessfully his entire career to convince his constituents and others that the correct pronunciation of his name is BAY-ner; however, that pronunciation has just not caught on.

Tired of the hang up calls left on his congressional office voice mail asking for Mr. Boner, Rep. Boehner was forced to take action. “Look, I’ll tell you what this is really about,” he said. “I have every intention of running for President in 2012, and I think that with people mispronouncing my name as Mr. Boner, I will not be able to demand the respect and serious consideration I will need while running a presidential campaign.”

The press conference was cut short due to uncontrollable laughter.

Tiger Woods just announced that he is pulling out of the golf season early, citing injuries received in his recent fender bender. He won’t be attending his own Chevron World Challenge Tournament in California.

Sources close to Tiger state that no, it’s not marital woes, it’s not the fact that he doesn’t want to play publicity any more for a while, and it isn’t because women are coming out of the woodwork to hitch a ride on the Tiger-mobile. Said one spokesperson, “What it really boils down to is Tiger’s distaste for long sleeves.” Evidently, with the ensuing cold weather ahead even in California, Tiger just feels too constrained to wear anything other than short sleeves while golfing and is therefore willing to risk a bit of his future earnings to wait until spring, when he can again, play the game in nothing more than a pair of shorts and a polo.

Whew, that’s a relief. We thought it was something way more serious.

HarperCollins has recalled all copies of Sarah Palin’s Book, “Going Rogue” and has agreed to refund the purchase price to anyone who wants it. According to a late-breaking press release, the title of the book is missing an extra word and no one caught it until now. The correct title of the book is “Going Rogue Hunting.”

A spokesperson for HarperCollins has indicated that this is one of the largest recalls ever in the publishing industry and agrees that “sometimes, just one misplaced or omitted word can really make a difference.”

HarperCollins expects to have corrected copies of the book ready for distribution within the next two weeks, and is offering an additional incentive to book owners to return the defective copies by offering a second book free, Glenn Beck’s “An Inconvenient Book.”

Portland, OR – The first public café offering medical marijuana in the United States opened in Portland, Oregon last Friday. Now instead of grits, you can get a side of real “hash” browns with those eggs.

“What a great concept,” said one new customer. “After smoking a fattie, I just sit back and order anything from the menu, instead of having to run down the street to the local mini-mart for my munchies.”

Said another first-time patron, “Now I can get my Colombian two ways in the morning…coffee and well, you know.”

We’re willing to bet the pot roast is killer.

After months, nay years of insane ramblings, lost lawsuits and 911 calls, father Richard “the dick” Heene has been deemed a toxic asset by the Hollywood Reality Productionati. A 23 year old executive from E! told Glossy News, “Dude, seriously, this guy is such a dick even we won’t give him a show, which is kind of saying a lot when you consider all the other truck-nuts we’ve given shows to.”

Not ones to mince words, let Glossy News be among the first to openly declare that the balloon boy incident involving Falcon Heene, son of Richard “Big Dick” Heene, was nothing more than a costly, ill-conceived, poorly orchestrated hoax and publicity stunt. These clowns need to be taken off the airwaves, and quickly… That’s the whole story.

Following a highly successful, some might even say “profitable”, pledge drive week, National Public Radio has committed to an “all pledge drive” format to rival their for-profit counterparts. The amount of money the earned during the week was apparently “half our operating budget for the year,” according to greedy public media monger Marius Dejevskismidt. “We make so much money during pledge drives, and we don’t take up any more time than traditional radio does with ads, so we’re just going to stick with it.”

In a surprising turn-around the Sino Council on Virility has rescinded their long-standing endorsement of ground n’ powdered panda junk, citing universal complaints from their users including “smells kinda funky”, “what the hell is this nasty powder,” and “Come on Zu, if you’re going to put something in my drink at least let it be a roofy.”

Famous dirty dancer and proxy child molester Patrick Swayze shuffled off the mortal coil last month, and the fine folks at Sotheby’s have found no better way to pay tribute than by pawning off the cryptic remainder of his abs as a token collectible. Sources close to the auction have refrained from comment, choosing instead to vomit uncontrollably in lieu. Two certain things are that it will fetch a high final bid, and that we’ll be there to cover the story.