Bwanna, Kenya – (SatireWorld.com)
Game preserve officers tracked down and killed a 45 foot long crocodile today after it was seen leaving a village it decimated during an evening celebration. The reptile is being reported as the ‘world’s largest crocodile.’
First reports claimed upwards of 50 native villagers were eaten, but game warden Benji Wonamoto said the final body count was 75 and maybe more.
The remote Kenyan village was empty of life when newspaper reporters dropped in by helicopter to survey the damages. Decades old huts were ripped from their foundation and the remains of a birthday party could be clearly seen as piles of torn and trampled colorful paper and bloody cloth.
PHOTO INSERT: The crocodile was killed by preserve rangers after it had eaten 75 tribe members at a remote village during a birthday celebration. The mostly intact upper torso remains of of the deceased villagers (after being recovered from the creature’s stomach) were propped up behind the crocodile in case next of kin need to identify the victims
“The croc must have surprised the people and they couldn’t flee fast enough,” said neigboring village elder Bongo Mwattabe. He pointed toward a large locked gate that prevented the village people from fleeing the quick moving reptile.
Game wardens tracked the beast by finding bloody remains, discarded sneakers, and several deflated basketballs haphazardly arrayed along the crocodile’s exit path back to the muddy river. Once spotted, the wardens killed the crocodile and emptied its stomach contents in hopes of identifying victims.
According to Head Warden Lance Boyle, “We found all 75 remains plus a few unexplained items.” The items in question were a man’s Italian-made shoe, a wallet, and several 8 track tapes from the late 1960’s.
Nairobi coroner Edmond Mydostoto released the contents of the wallet as belonging to long missing Mobuto Obama, a distant relative of the U.S. president, Barack Obama. The 8-track tapes were identified as Happy Birthday song tracks recorded in 1969 by the Monkees. The shoe remains a mystery.
White House presidential representatives have promised to send flowers, a new 8-track player, and a few condolence cards.