Categorized | Politics

Newt Volunteers/Threatens to Join Mars One-Way Mission (If Not Appointed to Cabinet)

Newt Volunteers/Threatens to Join Mars One-Way Mission (If Not Appointed to Cabinet)

(NOTE FROM WALLACE RUNNYMEDE: HERE’S A QUICK AND DIRTY ONE FROM BRIAN. NOW, I WONDER WHO THAT REMINDS YOU OF?)

Fallow bucket of human compost and erstwhile DC King Maker Newton Leroy Gingrich has put up his name as a possible applicant for a one-way mission to Mars…

That is, assuming he can’t secure a cabinet position in Trump’s administration.

Successor to Tom Foley and human embodiment of Mr. Potato Head Newt Gingrich has already pointed out his months of suckling up to the dry teat of the Trump campaign (despite only twice getting his parking validated), and is already seeking a new level of validation. He wants to be the first post-menopausal man on Mars, if he can’t get a place in Trump’s cabinet.

(NOTE FROM WALLACE RUNNYMEDE: HE COULD ALWAYS TRY BECOMING A SEX TOURIST ON HIS FANTASY ‘IDEAS MEN’ SECRETIVE ISLAND MOON COLONY INSTEAD).

President elect Donald Trump already has a great cabinet, the best cabinet, you wouldn’t even believe it, believe me, but Sallow Salamander ‘Bring Back that Leroy White’ Gingrich thinks there’s room for him in there, despite obviosity.

(NOTE FROM WALLACE RUNNYMEDE: FROM CAREER POLITICIAN HOLLOW MAN TO CAREER WANKER FALLOW MAN!)

“Well, my cabinet is already getting pretty full, what with all the lobbyists and Wall Street guys I brought in to stop the lobbyists and Wall Street guys,” said Cheeto Benito from atop his transitional 10k gold plated throne, adding: “You know this isn’t the final throne, right?”

While we didn’t know, care, or even have the first fuck to give, apparently it mattered enough to him that if we didn’t mention it, he’d pull our credentials.

Never mind, he pulled our credentials.

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This post was written by

- who has written 525 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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