Tag Archive | "newt gingrich"

Newt Volunteers/Threatens to Join Mars One-Way Mission (If Not Appointed to Cabinet)


(NOTE FROM WALLACE RUNNYMEDE: HERE’S A QUICK AND DIRTY ONE FROM BRIAN. NOW, I WONDER WHO THAT REMINDS YOU OF?)

Fallow bucket of human compost and erstwhile DC King Maker Newton Leroy Gingrich has put up his name as a possible applicant for a one-way mission to Mars…

That is, assuming he can’t secure a cabinet position in Trump’s administration.

Successor to Tom Foley and human embodiment of Mr. Potato Head Newt Gingrich has already pointed out his months of suckling up to the dry teat of the Trump campaign (despite only twice getting his parking validated), and is already seeking a new level of validation. He wants to be the first post-menopausal man on Mars, if he can’t get a place in Trump’s cabinet. Read the full story

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2016 Presidential Bumper Stickers For The Rest Of Us.


PLEASE – JUST HOLD THE ELECTION NOW AND GET IT OVER WITH! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE!


Did anyone else notice that we ultimately are allowed only two choices?


I turned on the TV and thought it was a beauty pageant until I saw Bernie.


Do I really have to wait until after November before I get my regular TV programming back?


Personally, I want Angela Merkel to run. Read the full story

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Gingrich Clarifies/Muddies ‘ISIS Contract’ Situation (2/2)


Last time, I explained to you how a conciliatory Newt Gingrich™ attempted to liberate America from a very clear and present danger.

That’s right: the mortal peril of bigoted mudslingers holding firmly and dogmatically to merely one-sided and partisan views on the Islamic State.

I quoted Gingrich’s framing of one half of the dilemma: the pro-ISIS story. Because as we all know Newt Gingrich and John Kerry all know, there are always two sides to every story… Read the full story

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Gingrich Clarifies/Muddies ‘ISIS Contract’ Situation (1/2)


Bill Clinton has stuck his stiff neck above the parapet and wantonly defamed Newt Gingrich for his ISIS apologism.

Don’t vote for this cynical, Mafiaesque “contract-killing” bastard, if he ever runs for office.

Yeah, vote for someone really good, like… Read the full story

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Gingrich Halted By Month-old Shooting


BATON ROUGE, LA —EBBQ Newt Gingrich hastily called a press conference after appearing on Sean Hannity’s FOXNEWS telecast.

He said in opening the sparsely attended 2-reporter conference: “I was completely misquoted in my answer to Sean where he said that I had harshly criticized President Obama for his comment on Trayvon Martin’s tragic shooting. Read the full story

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GOP Halloween Haunted House of Terror Coming to Tampa


This coming Halloween season, you’ll get a chance to tour one of the scariest amusement attractions you’ll ever experience – if you have the stomach. I’m of course talking about the chillingly scary GOP Presidential Halloween Haunted House of Terror – sure to give even the most stouthearted independent voter nightmares. Read the full story

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Fidel Polled Better Than Newt in Miami


MIAMI, FL —GlossyNews In a revealing, some even said shocking, poll taken after the Jacksonville GOPTea™ debate in Florida, Fidel Castro came in 4% ahead of Newt Gingrich, one of the real candidates for the presidential primary contest. The poll has a MOE of ±.025% and was conducted in the city’s central semi-residential district. People who answered any of the street pay phones that were called were asked 3 questions. The questions were asked only in Spanish, but not with a Cuban accent. Read the full story

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Punxsutawney Phil Sees Shadow; Predicts Six More Months of Newt Gingrich


Folks in Pennsylvania have been complaining for years about all the taxpayer money they spend on lavishing their resident star groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, with the best hole in the county and some of the finest fruits and vegetables around. For what they’re spending, they don’t feel they are getting much more than a quick peek out the hole every year to see how much more of a winter they have to endure. Read the full story

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Aging Gingrich Sucking Life Out of Youthful Santorum Race


Volunteers for GOP candidate Rick Santorum say they are growing more tired by the day trying to come up with good things to say about Newt Gingrich in order to keep the Gingrich/Santorum tag team going against candidate Mitt Romney.

“At first we thought, ok, Newt is a bright dude, he has a bit more Washington experience than our Rick does, and ganging up on Romney would get us further than if we went after him ourselves,” said Jim Voeticki, chief organizer of the Santorum campaign. Read the full story

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Newt Reveals ‘Cart Before Horse’ Campaign


DES MOINES, IA —GlossyNews GOPTea Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich proposes to mount a nationwide nomination strategy without the use of a strong professional campaign staff. He says all he has is Callista. Gingrich freely admits it is a dizzy idea. “It’s Callista and I against them all. We’re hauling in office furniture right now, and we haven’t the foggiest idea of where we are.” Read the full story

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A Candid Peek Into Sex Lives of the Candidates


The current contenders for the 2012 U.S. presidential election have already stated their positions on a range of key issues such as the economy, taxes, education, immigration, social policy, and national security.

But one obvious question still remains. What are they like in bed?

GlossyNews recently lay down with each of the candidates for some unbridled, no-holds-barred sexual intercourse. Here’s what they had to say. Read the full story

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Debate Recap: GOPTea Candidates Non-Debate the Non-Facts (4 of 7)


DE BATE, NEW HAMPSHIRE —BobZaguy All seven of the first round of Republicans met recently to spout extremist sentiments, presumably pandering to the fringes of the Tea Party, and we were lucky enough to witness the event first hand on tape-delayed television.

While two hours is a long time to have to sit and watch, we have on offer a shorter distillation of what Read the full story

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Can Newt Gingrich Stay Out of Trouble with Bachmann and Palin in GOP Race


In order for Newt Gingrich to be able to compete in a widening field of candidates for the GOP Presidential nomination, he’s had to come clean about his past womanizing. While no one is really buying his excuse that his passion for his country led him to act inappropriately at times, that very passion may just be his downfall again if Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin continue their individual quests for the same nomination. Read the full story

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Newt Gingrich Blames Obama for Setting Marital Standards Too High


For the second time this year, Newt Gingrich has announced nationally that he is definitely considering making a run for President of the United States on the GOP ticket. He admits he has some hurdles to overcome and addressed those hurdles in a speech he gave recently at a private fundraiser in Provo, Utah. Read the full story

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2011 Tall Tale Congressional Cocktail


Just in time for New Years festivities, try to see if you can stomach this tasty treat from the hill.

1 Tea Bag with string
2-3 minutes of warm John of Orange tears
2 jiggers VS cognac
1 dash bitter Rand
Cracked Cantor ice
club soda
Garnishes: twist of Pence; l’eye of Newt.

In a cocktail shaker, muddle a Tea Bag in 2 oz of warm John of Orange tears, add 2 jiggers of cognac, stir in a dash of Rand for bitter balance. Add cracked Cantor ice & shake till blue. Pour into a high ball glass, top with club soda. Garnish with a Pence twist & a sleezy l’eye of Newt.

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NPR to Use FOX Tactics to Survive In Modern US Media Climate


The recent Juan Williams firing scandal has led National Public Radio to realize that they need to develop more FOX News type media tactics if they are to survive. A radical top to bottom make-over has been ordered for the normally passive, low key, informational and culturally oriented nationwide station to bring them into a more aggressive and combative mode. It must be similar to the transformation Sarah Palin went through when she went from being the Governor of America’s least populated state to being the Cinderella of the U.S. Tea Party. Read the full story

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