Tag Archive | "NASA"

NASA Continues Search for Planets Where Government More Favorable to Funding Space Exploration

A panel of experts unveiled seven earth-sized planets only 235,145,014,927,344 miles from Earth (where we live), three of which may posses the proper conditions for Pokemon.

This is only the latest milestone in an ongoing search to identify alien governments that may be more willing to fund NASA’s budget than the U.S. government.

“It’s immensely exciting,” said Jane Kranston, an accountant at NASA:

“Ever since they cut funding for toilet seats, we’ve been incredibly motivated to diversify our funding across the Universe. Even the Multiverse if that’s what it takes. Just imagine that somewhere out there is a parallel Universe in which NASA has all its funding and we’ve already terraformed Saturn.”

With a budget that has dropped a staggering 96% since its peak in the 1960s, NASA now has to rely more on private space industry. But even this strategy is not without its detractors. Dean Shmumer, a White House advisor explains that budgets come down to dollars and cents:

“Consider the cost of one SpaceX flight to the ISS. We have to pay $133 million of taxpayer money for that. Meanwhile, we could send the President to Florida thirteen times for the same cost. How could we justify wasting Americans’ hard-earned money on a joyride into space?”

Meanwhile, Kranston and crew watch with anticipation to see what kind of civilizations might inhabit these other worlds:

“A big indication to us will be unorthodox gender roles,” she explains. “We’ve been told by some of our top scientists that there is a strong correlation between cultures in which gender roles are loosely defined and a willingness to fund mass exodus from a planet. If we can find a single dad doing dishes and expertly tracking his children’s developmental milestones on just one of these planets, then our chances of receiving the funding we need will increase exponentially.”

There is some concern about exchange rates between the U.S. dollar and various intergalactic coinages, credits, or whuffie. But Kranston and others at NASA are confident the American people will be ready to submit to new alien overlords and adopt a new currency if it means getting a few clearer pictures of the M81 galaxy.

For now, passionate NASA employees can only cling to the faith that a government somewhere out there is amicable to space exploration.


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Asteroid RC 15: “I Purposely Avoided Collision With Earth”

OUTER SPACE: In an exclusive interview, RC15, an asteroid that, on Sunday, passed closer to earth than the moon, says it purposely avoided a collision with our planet.

“I really, really did not want to hit you guys after I got close enough to see the kind of shit the human race is going through. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have no problem whatsoever colliding with an inhabited planet. But once I realized how polluted, overpopulated, mismanaged, and just generally dismal Earth was, I had to do everything I could to miss you guys.” Read the full story


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Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA. — Scientists with the NASA space program recently uncovered several million gallons of potable water — though no traces of carbonated liquid of any kind — on a large, nearby planet in what is being pronounced “a hugely disappointing discovery that in no way whatsoever helps the human species or its quest to find a realistically habitable alternative to Earth,” sources report. Read the full story


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Microbiologist Lies About Finding Life on Mars

PASADENA, Ca — Last Thursday, the team leading NASA’s Mars Science Laboratory mission made history when the rover Curiosity identified indisputable evidence of life on Mars—or so it seemed.

The historic discovery, initially made by microbiologist Dr. James Weaver, turned out to be an elaborate ruse Weaver concocted in an effort to “take the piss” out of his colleagues.

“I couldn’t resist,” said a very smug Dr. Weaver.

“Those jagweeds were getting crazy excited about a bunch of damned rocks. It was annoying as hell. I thought I’d mix things up a little.” Read the full story


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Astronauts Bitch About Having to Work on Christmas Eve

Astronauts having to install a coolant pump outside NASA’s International Space Station on Christmas Eve had a few choice words about their employers.

“I thought once you had a government job you never had to work on holidays again. Bull%&$#!!!” griped Rick Mastracchio, one of the two space walkers who had to don suits and venture out into the brisk thin air of outer space. Read the full story


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NASA Locates 3 New Earth-like Planets That Could Theoretically Support Death

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA — The NASA Program recently announced that their scientists have located three new Earth-like planets, each of which could theoretically support death.

According to NASA’s lead researcher Dr. Hans Von Gunn, “Using our Kepler satellite, we were able to track down a trio of planets not dissimilar to our own. Our hope is that some, if not all, of these planets may be able to support human life and, perhaps more importantly, our overwhelming desire to extinguish it at every chance we get.” Read the full story


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NASA Scientists Warn; More Asteroids, Comets and Meteors On The Way to Destroy Earth

NASA scientists have revealed that the recent meteor explosion in Russia, the flyby of asteroid 212 DA 124, the strange meteor shower over Florida and the mysterious fireball spotted over southern California are simply precursors of the devastation yet to come.

“Essentially”, said NASA spokesperson Jennifer Conspire, “we are advising people to enjoy their lives now because Armageddon is coming!”

Conspire stated that the end of the world is coming and there is little that can be done about it.

“Eat fatty food, drink, get laid, smoke, take a trip around the world on credit or do any hair brained things you can think of because it all won’t matter in a few months”, Conspire declared. “Unless you’re one of those religious people who believe in karma or something”.

NASA administrator Charles Bolden refuted Conspire’s clams. “There’s a few meteors headed our way but everything is going to be just swell! Don’t listen to that crazy lady! I’m going to fire her!”

Later that day Bolden was seen cashing in all his stocks and booking a flight to Aruba.

NASA scientist Joel McKenzie agreed with Conspire’s declaration. “Some of them we can see coming whereas others we can’t. In any case, we don’t have enough nuclear weapons to destroy them all or even divert them. We’re doomed!”

16 year old Jake Mulligan and his 15 year old girlfriend Jenny Stratalucci are planning on having sex this weekend to make sure they are not virgins when the end times come.

Chicago businessman Peter Manklevitch says he is going to spend all his money on prostitutes and beer this weekend. “I sure as hell hope this ain’t just a rumor”, he stated.


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Study Finds Earth May Once Have Harbored Intelligent Life

BOSTON, MA – A 5-year study carried out by Harvard University’s Geological department has determined that, at some point in its relatively recent history, the planet Earth likely supported intelligent life.

Analysis drawn from a collection of rock samples taken from our home planet’s equator has revealed traces of water dating back 20 years, prompting theories that advanced lifeforms – capable of cognitive behavior, intelligent discourse and logical debate – once existed on Earth. Read the full story


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NASA: Orphan’s Wishes Upon Star Light-Years Too Late

PASADENA, CALIFORNIA: The National Aeronautics and Space Administration confirmed today that the star little Timmy Johannsen has been wishing upon nearly every night for the past 3 years, actually collapsed and burned out approximately 48 million years ago, thus rendering little Timmy’s wishes null and void. Read the full story


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Red Bull Skydiving Stunt Ends In Tragedy

Today over the desert of New Mexico, a stunt sponsored by the Red Bull energy drink company ended in tragedy.

The attempt to set the highest skydive by a human went terribly wrong when skydiver Felix Baumgartner mistakenly launched his body towards space instead of earth.

It is unknown if when Felix reached that area of the atmosphere that separates earth from space he became confused, or if he was just trying to get a few extra feet in to prevent an immediate challenge to the record from another manufacturer of bogus performance enhancement products. Read the full story


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Telescope Spots Human Remains on Moon’s Surface

Houston, TX – (SatireWorld.com)

NASA Scientists released information, along with a Top Secret report, which addresses the recent Hubble telescope discovery of human remains spotted on the surface of the Earth’s moon.

The desiccated figure, reportedly dressed in what appears to be a cotton house dress, was discovered last March by the powerful Hubble space telescope during a routine scan of the lunar surface. Read the full story


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Unemployed Former Aerospace Engineer Says: “Stop calling me that”

CAPE CANAVERAL – Identifying labels apparently matter, at least to unemployed former aerospace engineer Fred Hackford, who is among the thousands of NASA workers being laid off by the space agency following its retirement of the space shuttle and its announced plans to cancel the development of new rockets and spacecraft.

“Hey, wait a minute,” Mr. Hackford objected. “Why did you just write that I’m an unemployed former aerospace engineer? I’m still an aerospace engineer, for God’s sake. It’s just that I lost my job.”

When asked whether “unemployed former aerospace industry worker” would be acceptable to him as an identifying label, Mr. Hackford replied, “Well, yeah, I guess that’s at least correct. But why do you have to keep using that word ‘former’? It sounds like my career is over. Why can’t you just call me an ‘unemployed aerospace engineer’? Besides, calling me a ‘former aerospace industry worker’ makes it sound as if I could have been just an equipment operator or a janitor.”

Unemployed former NASA janitor Neil Williams took issue with Mr. Hackford’s view, asking, “What do you mean that it sounds like you ‘could have been’ just a janitor, Fred? Shouldn’t you say that it sounds like you ‘could be’ just a janitor? I mean, okay, if you think that you’re still an aerospace engineer even though you lost your job, I’m cool with that. But doesn’t that mean that I’m still a janitor even though I lost mine?”

Others disagree with both men’s assessments, however, including unemployed former shop assistant Deborah Myers, whose retail position was among the 14,000 jobs at hotels, restaurants, stores and other Florida businesses impacted by NASA’s cuts.

“I don’t care whether you’re a rocket scientist or the guy who emptied the space shuttle’s toilets,” Ms. Myers said. “If you’re not doing it now, then you’re a ‘former’ whatever it was that you were doing.”

“Actually, you’re a former whoever it is that does whatever it was that you were doing,” said Rick Massey, Ms. Myers’ unemployed former boss.

“Sorry, but I have to disagree with that,” said unemployed former newspaper editor turned part-time freelance dog walker Andy Nelson. “I mean, there’s no way that I could still call myself an ‘editor’ now, even though it’s a very specialized profession that requires a lot of training. But a doctor is still a doctor, even if he or she loses a job in a hospital. That’s the same in Fred’s case, I think, as an aerospace engineer.”

“Thanks, Andy,” said Mr. Hackford. “Hey, which one of us is walking the Dobermans this week?”

Finally, also weighing in on the discussion was disgraced former New York governor and failed CNN host Eliot Spitzer, who commented, “Jeez. What is these people’s problem?”


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NASA Discovers They Left an Astronaut Behind on the Moon After Historic First Landing

Ironically coincidental with the demise of the man who first walked on the moon, NASA has discovered that it had forgotten an astronaut on the moon. In fact, it appears that he was left at the time of Apollo 11’s historic milestone.

NASA astronomers have identified the silver ‘lump’ lying near the still visible marks of the first moon probe as “Melvin, the 4th astronaut.”

Apparently he had been secreted aboard the spacecraft and kept undercover in case one of the others made an ass out of himself during the highly televised event. With the heavy suit and space helmet no one would be able to distinguish him from the other astronauts.

Had Armstong taken a whiz on the moon’s surface or Aldrin mooned the camera, Melvin would have been edited in to replace them. It appears that he exited the craft after Armstong, but was intentionally kept out of camera view. After the mission, his presence was neglected as they returned to earth.

It was imagined that he died an unpleasant death, as researchers can make out with advanced telescopes that he spelled out “You God-damned assho….” in the moon dirt before he croaked. It is believed he was trying to write “assistants,” but misspelled it as his oxygen ran low.

Melvin, his body now thoroughly dehydrated by the dry lunar atmosphere, will be left where he is as it would be too expensive to bring him back. When asked about why he was left behind, astronaut Aldrin, now in his 80’s said “Apollo what? Where? What do you mean by ‘moon?'” Astronaut Armstong, then aged 80, said nothing, but had a very self satisfied smile on his face afterwards.

Some conspiracy theorists believe that Melvin was intentionally left behind because the others did not want to share the glory with him. There has been talk that it was actually Melvin who first stepped out on the moon and said, “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Re-listening to the tapes of the moon walk, Armstrong can be heard to say afterwards, “Damn it! I had dibs for going out first, you jerk!” then the sounds of a heavy-breathed fight that was apparently edited out of the film.


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Mars Rover Curiosity Discovers Triboob

Excited NASA staff make plans for a manned mission to Mars after the Mars rover returned its first series of results.

It took 8 months to get there and a further 2 weeks to find anything of importance, but at last the Mars Rover has finally found something even the general populace will be interested in.

When preparing to blast rocks for sampling, the rover, Curiosity, came across a perfectly formed skeleton of a three-breasted female. Read the full story


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NASA Launches Mission to Find Intelligent Life on Earth

Cape Canaveral, Fla.- After the recent success and attention garnered from the mars rover, Curiosity, NASA launched a probe to Earth with the intent to discover if intelligent life does exist, or has ever existed on the planet.

Many controversial theories have arose over recent years arguing whether or not the planet could sustain intelligent life.

The new rover, called Buick Skylark, is the biggest rover NASA has constructed to date, which hopefully will recapture the public’s fascination with space after the failed attempts of the previous Earth rovers Ford Taurus and the joint Japanese venture, Toyota Camry.”The Taurus Seemed like a suitable choice with its reliability to value ratio, but that simply wasn’t the case,” explained Senior Systems Analyst Scott Boyers. He added, “The Toyota Camry just crashed into the surface.” The Camry’s unfortunate malfunction was thought to have been due to a faulty accelerator.

The previous rovers also lacked the equipment to detect if worth while existance had occured on the planet. The rover Buick Skylark is an impressive structure that has aboard various instruments to test for the existence of knowledgable life.

“Aboard the Buick Skylark, are specific instruments to test for the possibility of intelligent life. A copy of The New Yorker, a sensibly well balanced meal, and several historical documentaries are designed to attract possible intelligent life forms,” says Flight Director David Oh.

Administrator, Charles Bolden has high hopes for the project, stating that “Quite frankly, we don’t know if intelligent life has ever existed there or not. We are well aware of some lesser life forms living on Earth, but so far, have yet to conclude if there are any worth while conversations out there. This will mark a proud day for humanity if we, in fact, do discover intelligent life. Although we have had some compelling evidence, it simply isn’t conclusive.”

Early prototypes proved too compact and comfortable to truly be called a “Buick”.

The habitable environment, rich atmosphere, and supposed examples of non-fiction texts seem to be the evidence scientists have been using to back the “Meaningful Life on Earth” thesis, but skeptics argue that these texts were mere fabrications and depressions left in trash cans outside campus housing.

The rover was launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida and landed in the vapid wasteland of Scottsdale, Arizona. Scientists, did not expect to find evidence of intelligent life at that particular location, but hope that the rover is capable of searching the region in order to find ground breaking evidence they need to keep space exploration alive.

Deputy Administrator Lori Garver added, “This is our last shot. Funding is drying up despite our recent success and publicity around Curiosity. We aim to find a way to sustain life on Earth for future generations to come. If we don’t find any conclusive evidence, surely the human experiment will be finite.”


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Curiosity Killed the Rover

GALE CRATER, MARS – The Curiosity Rover died yesterday while chasing an unidentified particle on Mars, the National Aeronautic and Space Agency reported at a press conference this morning.

Physicists have not yet classified the particle that killed Curiosity, but three photos NASA received shortly before her death may hold clues.

“According to our one-megapixel photos, Curiosity was last seen chasing a particle that appeared to be slightly smaller than a boson and somewhat structured like a buckminsterfullerene,” said Lead Nuclear Physicist David Horton. “Frankly, we believe she tripped and fell off Mars.” Read the full story


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