John Kerry has issued a (somewhat) heartfelt and (entirely) disinterested plea for Europe to stay in the EU.
But somehow, his customary shine, polish and wide-eyed eloquence of a typical well-beloved fairly center-leaning Secretary of State has temporarily deserted him.
For some inexplicable reason, the notable public figure in question is straying into the kind of long-winded verbosity that NBC have correctly identified as an inherently neoconservative trait…
And that Fox News have equally correctly identified as a vice found purely in hard-left socialist moonbats and bigoted, hardbitten, inflexible, pro-vaccination ideologues.
It is my sincerest and most rational conviction possible (within reason) that the EU would be a very much poorer place without Europe…
And also a more impoverished one, hideously overrun with unruly market forces and wildcat business deals.
I mean, if the UK leaves, that’s one thing; but all this idle talk about an EU without Europe has caused grave concern in the US State Department.
In the name of Our Common Humanity™, I would urge the Europeans to put aside their differences, and settle their discords in the spirit of the National-Humanitarianist™ ideology that has brought so much peace and harmony to formerly conflict-torn and inharmonious regions such as our Middle East.
I tearfully beg, plead, implore and threaten you at the point of a well-primed missile:
Do not give up on the project of shared and democratically consensus-based mutual advancement and our common prosperity™.
Remember that the EU is a token of the human spirit’s indomitable desire and capacity to overcome all obstacles™.
An EU without a Europe within it would be very much the poorer.
And it can be said that I do not believe that we can rely purely on those nation-states of the EU who are outside Europe, outside The Universal League of Extraordinary Homo Sapiens, who are inevitably and unsurprisingly backward theocracies and ignorant Communist dictatorships.
It would be impossible, in such circumstances, to carry out the bold and glorious progressive unfolding of the human race’s self-assertive advancement towards the robustly peaceful overcoming of the arbitrary and wanton boundaries which so cruelly divide us and our wallets, and which arbitrarily constrain the human spirit and cosmic pork barrel…
So that that which we all share in common and in which we participate in a spirit of unitary generosity is shared and divided in a manner not fearful and cautious, but generously compassionate, motivated by true humanitarian fervor and the undeniable capability of the human spirit to triumph over all odds.
Tragically and unforgivably, Google Translate wasn’t able to render this noble and heartwarming speech into comprehensible English.
So it’s not just me then.
Just having a bad day, maybe.
Previously published on The Spoof.