Tag Archive | "wisconsin"

Girls Stab Friend in Honor of Slenderman; Glad it Wasn’t in the Back


Two girls were arrested by the Bureau of Academic and Constitutional Owners for Niggas force for allegedly stabbing a girl after trying to prove the existence of the Photoshopped myth “Slenderman”.

When questioned by the judge, the two girls responded by stating, “Hey, at least it wasn’t in the back.”

The judge was surprised by their testimonies and decided to let them go off with a warning, only if they promised to never do it again. Read the full story

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Posted in Crime, Internets TubesComments (0)

My Mother Was A Margarine Smuggler


Yes, it is true.

Shameful but true.

It is always difficult for the children of those involved in criminal activities to confront their past and the social stigmas associated with such behavior, but at some time it must be faced.

My mother was a Margarine Smuggler. Read the full story

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Posted in Crime, SocietyComments (0)

The Precarious Prelude of the Pugnaciously Preeminent and Predominant Green Bay Packers


Many wonder how it is that a little, forgotten town on the frozen banks of Lake Michigan could become the official first city of football. Most major league football towns are huge mothers like Los Angeles, Chicago, Denver, Atlanta, but the one tiny dollop on the sports map is Green Bay. How so? Let me tell you the story: Read the full story

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Posted in SportsComments (0)

Wild West, Non-Wisconsin Weinie Winters


Anyone who has spent any time in Colorado or any western ski resort areas has noticed the high density of Wisconsiners living there (to avoid any violent misunderstandings and to remain socially correct, by ‘high density’ I am referring to the percentage of population, not the thickness of their skulls).

There is a disproportionally large population of them coming from a state with only five million, most of them cows. I am one myself (a Wisconsiner, not a cow.) but don’t tell anyone. Read the full story

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Posted in EnvironmentComments (1)

Minnesota Misguidedly Manufactures Misleading Mexican Meals Making Millions Mad


I recently bought a burrito and was astounded to see that it was made in the fair city of Minneapolis, a surprise since I had always thought of Minneapolis as being a place so white that it’s nickname is ‘The Wonder Bread Capital of America’.

Burritos are about as native to Minnesota as fish are to the moon. What comes next? Does my chop suey start getting shipped in from Tel Aviv? Read the full story

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Posted in HealthComments (3)

Packer Backer Quackers


A few months before the start of the Super Bowl game a few years back I returned to the part of the country I am from and made the irritating discovery that everyone there had gone nuts.

Normally Wisconsinites are the most normal people you can get, excepting of course people from Madison who many suspect escaped from the space ship that crashed at Roswell. Wisconsinites are so normal that Norman Rockwell could have painted a whole series of works on them alone. Read the full story

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Posted in SportsfolkComments (1)

200 Cows Standing in a Field (or Not)


ORLANDO–My choice to drive State Road 528 over to Orlando International instead of my usual route via Highway 1-92 through Kissimmee proved premonition pops up more often than not.

The emergency broadcast system cut off Buckethead and the crew over at WTKS 104.1, squawking dire tornado warnings to span Osceola, Orange and Brevard County. (Those unfamiliar with the area, that’s one major parcel of ranch land). A funnel cloud had been sighted at Harmony, Florida around about the time I would have found myself driving through the green community sprawling east of St. Cloud. Read the full story

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Posted in Human InterestComments (1)

Secret Manifesto Found Jammed In Michigan Capitol Front Door


The following was found jammed in the Michigan State Capitol Building front door by a janitor arriving early for work on Monday:

MANIFESTO FOR THE LIBERATION OF THE UPPER PENINSULA FROM THE TYRANNY OF THE STATE OF MICHIGAN AND RETURNING IT TO ITS PROPER PLACE AS AN APPENDAGE OF WISCONSIN.

Let this document stand as a statement of intent by the Wisconsin Underground Saboteur Society For the Insurrection and Eventual Setting Free of The UP (W.U.S.S.I.E.S.) to liberate the so named Upper Peninsula from years of subjugation by the repressive forces of the state of Michigan. Read the full story

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Posted in Human InterestComments (6)

Labor Day Cancelled


Due to America’s unusually high rate of unemployment, this is the first year since Labor Day became a federal holiday in 1894 that no workers will be taking the holiday off regardless of whether or not their employers are telling them to do so.

The lucky stiffs who actually have jobs are reluctant to take a day off for fear their position will be snatched up by the people they’ve been told “are waiting in line to take your job if you don’t want it.” Read the full story

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Scott Walker Declares Himself a Wisconsin Hero


Scott Walker defines a hero as “someone who, against all odds, does what is necessary to fight evil in the world.” And so it is that Walker believes that he is doing the right thing by making sure teachers don’t bankrupt the state.

“If we were to pay teachers what they would like to be paid, and give them the benefits they believe they should get, there would be nothing left to give to the private sector folks whom I pledged my allegiance to in order to get elected,” said Walker. “I have a duty to those folks and I am a man of my word.” Read the full story

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Posted in PoliticsComments (5)

Scott Walker Begs Koch Brothers to Release Him from Pact


While Scott Walker says he doesn’t want to compare his relationship with the Koch Brothers as being akin to selling your soul to the devil, seeing as he’s a devout Christian and all, his friends say he is feeling the heat being turned up on him and, like a rat in a maze, is trying to find a quick exit out of the Wisconsin morass. Read the full story

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Wisconsin Democratic Rep Found Hiding In My Closet


I found a Wisconsin State Democratic Senator hiding in my closet.

Bastard!

I was coming in to see if I could find a pair of socks I hadn’t worn more than one day and, shazaam!, there he was.

He looked as surprised as I myself must have.

But that isn’t what bothered me.

He was eating my Pringles. Read the full story

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Nation Shocked as Socialists Win The Super Bowl


A nation reels in shock as it realizes that Socialists have won the beloved American institution called the Super Bowl. Beating the genuinely capitalistic Pittsburgh Steelers by a 31 to 24 margin, the Green Bay Packers won the game that is at the heart of all things American. Read the full story

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Posted in SportsComments (2)

Order Restored After Outbreak of Hypochondria


New Glarus, WI (GlossyNews) — Normalcy has returned to this Midwestern town, after a tense weekend some won’t forget. According to sources, trouble began when Insurance salesman Howard Sprague left work with a bad cold on Thursday.

Flora Baker, owner of Flora’s Florals, says she sensed nothing of the coming storm when delivering a balloon bouquet to the Sprague residence Friday evening. “No, same old Howard; I don’t know how Jane puts up with him. I could hear him whining, things like ‘I need my pillow fluffed’ and ‘I can’t reach the remote’ so no, I had no warning.” Read the full story

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Posted in SocietyComments (0)

Gays Not Allowed to Pray in Wisconsin


Milwaukee, WI (GlossyNews) -– A Wisconsin District Court Judge appropriately named Crabb has ruled that there will be no praying on National Prayer Day unless it is done in private. “Whether you are an atheist or a true believer, a heterosexual or a homosexual, a Republican or a Democrat, a man or a woman, you cannot pray in Wisconsin on this day,” said the ruling handed down by Crabb. Read the full story

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Flight Wins 23rd Annual Eau Claire–St. Cloud Corn Maze


Minneapolis, MN — An Airbus A320 jet flown by a Northwest Airlines pilot and co-pilot have won the 23rd Annual Eau Claire—St. Cloud Corn Maze Run. The oldest airplane corn maze in the western world announced NWA Flight 188 were the winners by almost 28 minutes over the second place winner, 3-time Maze Grand Prize winner, Todd Palin from Alaska. Mr Palin used a dog team and sled in each of the 4 years he has entered the race. Read the full story

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Posted in Sports EventsComments (0)

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