Categorized | Politics, World News

Tory Candidates: As-Yet-Entirely-Unspeculated Cameron Coup (1/2)

Tory Candidates: As-Yet-Entirely-Unspeculated Cameron Coup (1/2)

The Objective Media (!) has been slandering Wallace Runnymede for his Miliband/Labour-Leak article “bias.”

What a dazzling array of Neo-New-Labour candidates…

But if only such were true only of Our Tories.

polly toynbee something tm could consider

That’s a pity.

seinfeld ennui

Well actually, I have to admit there IS something wrong with it… in a “Highly-Strung-Socialist-Euroweenie-Country” without a First Amendment.

bush perennial wisdom

Yeah, but you’re the leader of the “Free World.”

obama tit for tat

Yeah, I said I HAVE to admit it… but I won’t. More fun to be sweepingly dismissive towards screaming “lefty Labour apologists,” and f*** the consequences.

However, it’s equally fun to be constantly ridiculing blazing “righty apologists” (Tories/UKIP), or goose-stepping SWP/BNP/Respect/EDL fanatics, and pretty much every other gang of dodgy Realpolitik hooligans and gangsters from the Golden Pigsty…

Not to mention that (by now) more-or-less non-existent party called…

Hang on, what’s their name again?

Still, in the spirit of impartiality Absolute-Truth-Fool-Ness which has made the great British/renegade-Washington-secessionist media what it is today, I’m leaking another short list… for the Despicable Tory™ Coup on DaveCam.

Jerry Seinfeld: King of Obscure Video Re-Runs. Achingly Unfunny Social Media Troll Who Keeps Pwnkin’ @ Me

Uh-uh. Already promised you that you could appear in one of my memes. I kept my promise. Don’t get cocky.
Yup! You’re playing with the big boys now… don’t forget who’s the real established comedian here.

[Blank Space] : [?]… [End Of]

nick clegg future coalition

By the way, speaking of promises, I’m not giving you a Lib Dem short list.

#1. Can’t be arsed.

#2. Can’t be arsed.

Sorry, can’t think of any others right now.

#BrokenPromises

#NickClegg

Benjamin Disraeli: Former Prime Minister of Prominent De Facto US Colony, 19th Century Frankie Boyle

disraeli parliamentary banter

Pros:

1. Respected figure in UK history; albeit not accorded the same undyingly passionate veneration and reverence as Our Glorious Leader Cameron….

Not to say Bore-Aye-US Leader (sic).

2. Historically significant: first Jewish PM.

… Oh no, wait…

Prominent racist/conspiracy theorist fanatic DaveCam says:

david duke spews it out

Oh… “DaveCam?” Sorry, meant “David Duke.” (Insofar as there’s may be any conceivable difference, of course).

Cons:

1. After Davecam’s vibrant, vigorous, flamboyantly witty leadership, it would be hard even for Disraeli to top that.

Well? Can you imagine mere pathologically-plastic-pop-ridden, auto-tune-humping, omni-miming bubblegum-robots…

Ya know: Plant, Lemmy, Waters AND Gilmour (non-partisan as buggery, huh?!)…

Presuming to enlist alongside genuinely edgy art heroes like One Direction/Westlife in the War-On-Mainstream-Crapola™?

… Well it’s kinda like that, yeah.

Tony Blair: Universal Physician of “The Global Village.” Fourth member of the Trinity and “Apparently” the Greatest-of-All, to Boot

Pros:

1. Bigger than Jesus, more charismatic than Enda Kenny, less pretentious than Cenk Uygur, less nauseating than John Lennon… OBVIOUSLY.

2. “Notable public figure.”

Cons:

1. This notability comes solely at the expense of the “global taxpayer.”

Yup! Anthony Borgia is graciously and generously set up with a fuckload of body armor and a small army to protect him wherever he goes (mainly the “safer” parts of the Middle Eastern countries he has single-handedly ruined)…

Purely at the expense of shitty plebs like you and me.

Still, this same notability doesn’t extent to all the nondescript miscellaneous objects of his conspicuous benevolence. A collateral is merely a collateral; need we say more?

tony blair carpe diem

Pol Pot: Pre-Blairite/Bushite Mass Murderer, Contemporary of Jumbo, Key Ideological Influence On IntCom/ComHum

pol pot fact and value

Pros:

1. Radical far left extremist. Butchered countless innocent civilians.

(Originally made this one a “con,” but then compared Blair and Cameron, and decided that their foreign policies were pretty much indistinguishable).

Cons:

1. The day the Tories let someone from any Asian country get the nomination is the day the entire IntCom nuclear liquidation stockpile freezes over from sheer misery of disuse.

Paul Potts: Singer who is not to be Confused with his Namesake (another “Paul Potts,” Leading Figure of the Journalistic Tradition in a certain “Notable Democratic State”)

Pros:

1. Artist who played the role of Prince of Persia, and who easily outclasses Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi (not to mention John Calvin and the Phelps family)…

This is mainly because Potts is a singer with a proven record of performance and recording.

But as a bonus, the other guys I just mentioned are art-hating fanatics who all wildly insinuate that listening to opera automatically condemns one to eternal hellfire.

Cons:

1. I wasn’t able to include a picture of Paul Potts, because he won’t be permitted by the Grand Tory Council of Elders to run. Why? Well, see next point.

2. Not a billionaire Eton banker. Even if 100% of the UK population were guaranteed to vote for him, he hasn’t a hope in hell of the nomination, because he values art, not gaming the stock market or wantonly vandalizing the economies of other countries.

Still, in fairness, Potts doesn’t seem arrogant…

3. Not arrogant? That’s precisely the problem. It’s all right for those of us who are writers or singers, but humility is a cardinal sin in Westminster. I don’t think Paul or any other reasonable person will be lowering themselves to becoming Tory PM (or any other kind) anytime soon.

Well? Seen any serious performance artists cold calling for shitty Ponzi schemes? Please do let me know.

Bono: Just Like Peter Gabriel, but Claps a Wee Bit More Often (Just in Case)

bono smacks down whom he shall smack down

Sorry Bono, no box-tick from Wallace Runnymede…

Although (albeit not in the same way as Wagner), it’s good to separate the man (or in this case, the humanitarian activist) from the music.

… Aye well Bono, I do still have some Celtic loyalty to the Joshua Tree album, a big favorite of mine; you’ve definitely got that one goin’ for ye 😉

Tedious Procedural Clarification

calm down, voters

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This post was written by

- who has written 367 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Conspirator-in-Chief of the Peace Criminals Project: Neocon Surveillance& Satirical-Industrial Complex! Also published on a range of satire sites. Currently co-editing Glossy News (under the webmaster, Brian K. White). Contact me to pitch or submit your satire! David Cameron says I am a #TerroristSympathizer. Islamists say I am an #Islamophobe. New Atheists think I am a #CravenApologistForPrimitiveBronzeAgeSuperstitions. MRAs & Alt-Right think I'm a #MatriarchalCuck. Others say I'm a #StraightMiddleClassWhiteBoy. And still more think I'm a #FuckingPleb. Just another edgy day at the Satirist's office! I am the Mayor of the Zero Fucks Community ;) @w_runnymede (Twitter) wallacerunnymede@gmail.com

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