I’m going to list for you all the Tory politicians I admire and respect and who I think fully deserve to be UK PM…
Um… never mind. Here are a few more candidates anyway.
Benito Mussolini: Flamboyant Prima Donna, Invented Postmodernism. (Borders = Arbitrary Incommensurable Wittgensteinian Bourgeois-Social Constructs).
1. Sexy Latin lover… actually somehow outclasses any imaginable three-way Liebfest from Bill Clinton, Rick Santorum, and the guy who went home to Ma Belle Cherie, “devouring her like an animal.”
2. Yet another militaristic, global-interventionist, second fiddle tinpot dictator™; pretty gentle transition from the Cameron “regime,” huh?
1. For such a hot-ass Italian amore-botherer, even Mussolini isn’t exactly pasta-solo-on-a-stick, in comparison to il divo Berlusconi. “Sexier than Miliband and Cameron put together” is setting one hell of a low bar!
2. Far too charismatic. Tory supporters are notoriously resistant to change…
So, the shock of having a leader with more personality than a 4 months dead haddock cunningly concealed at the back of Jamie Oliver’s hipster underwear fridge would be too much for them.
Yup! Benny the Bomber would swiftly fall from grace, getting strung up in public and spat and pissed upon by angry crowds.
That sad fate belongs to a more ignorant and benighted era of “notable nation-states” in Europe.
Pope Francis: Most Achingly Groovy Religious Leader Since Pat Robertson
1. Classic High Tory (pre-Thatcher figure)..
Will piss off the fairly substantial (99.9999999%) neo-con contingent of The Party (shit, I meant, “the party.”) For, Pope Francis is suspicious of unbridled markets, self-indulgent elites, the selfish pursuit of petty right wing profit™…
And, of course, of gay people who want their relationships considered on equal terms with standard-issue-straight-vanilla-straightniks™.
1. A Catholic will never ever become Supreme Leader; the Tories are known as “the Church of England at prayer.”
Oh wait, unless maybe Ann Widdecombe…?
Why not? For, if a woman became the head of the Tories, all suspicion would be absolutely and eternally dispelled from every human heart…
Concerning the wicked and cynical socialist insinuation™ that the Conservative Party had ever been remotely guilty of committing neglect, oppression, persecution, patronage…
(Or indeed the Whiggish wiles of conspicuous benevolence and patronage)…
Towards ANY group of individuals whosoever…
Including the entire non-male community™.
Cardinal Newman: Most Famously Non-Gay/Allegedly-Closeted Clergyman in History
1.Former Anglican clergyman.
1. Later an apostate from The One True (i.e. straight-vanilla-English) Church™. So without any blasphemy laws in the UK, there’s no way of disciplining him when he gets out of line.
For, every Tory abhors, despises and is utterly sickened and outraged by change…
Even more than by fresh, fragrant, non-crusty bedsheets…
Hence, the inability to
persecute prosecute any unruly PM (like say, by way of a purely hypothetical example, a tyrannical warmonger of some sort), would be a completely new and unprecedented departure from protocol.
… No blasphemy laws? So, OBVIOUSLY, we must be INCREDIBLY enlightened, right? Hence our inalienable, undeniable
right duty to bomb the crap out of citizens of other countries…
Purely in order to gently and compassionately educate them on the error of their ways™, of course.
Gandalf the Grey: Straight-Vanilla Godlike Wizard
1. The Tories need a miracle to stave off the horrific-unprecedented-tabloid-existential-threat™ posed by Naughty Nigel’s Edgy Electric Mandolin Hipster Politico Front.
(Sorry, keep forgetting what these guys are called… wonder why?)
So Gandalf’s your man! This charismatic wonder-worker takes control, all our problems are magically solved in the blink of an eye.
Tony Blair, anyone?
1. No matter how effective he is, he won’t get nominated. Tories infinitely prefer Gandalf the “White” instead.
Gandalf the White: Super-Vanilla Godlike Wizard
Sorry, Gandalf’s pissed at the earlier snub all you Acceptable Right Wingers™ so maliciously and cruelly inflicted on him earlier:
Oh, what’s this?
“Oh, BTW, you’re all w***ers anyway. Just like Sauron, except IntCom presidents are more like Sauron. You’re not even Sauron…
“Yup! More like Saruman… a shitty wannabe recipient of the highly prestigious and universally respected Most-Favoured-Spineless-Stooge-Golden-Crotch-Massage-Trophy.”
Do wonder working Messianic heroes never shut up?!
Karl Marx: Self-Serving, Petty-Bourgeois Reactionary Bigot
1. Single biggest cause of mass impoverishment in history…
Apart from Romneycare and anything else vaguely along those lines.
1. No other similarities whatsoever with DaveCam…
Except, like fellow political charlatan Karl Marx, DaveCam viscerally despises/patronises the “Lumpenproletariat,” “backward urban peasants,” “primitive Oriental savages.”
Still… not really a big part of Tory policy nowadays, amirite?
Chris Moyles: The Thinking Man’s Quentin Letts
1. SOMEWHAT less irritating to listen to than Cameron’s genial ranting re: various radically concrete and specific hobbyhorses:
“Pray hearken unto me, chicken, when I say this…”
“We aren’t the same old Tories we used to be, darling…”
“Listen, sillybums… well, my pretty love, why, do calm down, dear… oh, stuff and nonsense, sweetheart!”
1. That’s not really saying much.
… Still make a far better PM than any actual Tory though!
(Well, Except Alan B’Stard maybe, but Our Alan’s a bit too moralistic and hyper-principled for the current Tory setup).
Francis Urquhart: Most Morally Principled and Honorable Tory in History
1. Depraved, cynical, Machiavellian Tory trickster and master-manipulator. Excellent skill set for a UK PM; good on-the-job training on “House of Cards” (NOT the fake-ass American version!!!)
1. Urquhart would end up disconcerting and alienating his fellow Tories™; his ludicrously bizarre and incongruous skill set is utterly without precedent in the entire history of the Emperor Iago Humanitarian Imperialist Cartel Conservative Party.
David Charles Lynton Cameron: “The People’s” Favourite
1. Ain’t broke? Don’t fix it.
1. That’s precisely the f***ing problem!
2. DAVID FRICKING CAMERON!!! FFS, how much further elaboration do you need?
“Misma mierda con distinto olor.”
Whoops… another offense crime. A little too “foreign” for you, Dave?…
Still, here’s a more appropriate phrase to assist you in your humanitarian-interventionist foreign policy “dialogue.”
A u vas negrov linchuyut.
And satire aside: you IntCom hooligans really SHOULD think about that why that phrase exists.
F**ing serious. It’s been too much.
Oh… just shut it, Nigel. Saying “at least we aren’t the Tories, right?” really isn’t doing you any favors.