Dixville Notch Grabs Crotch for President

GlossyNews.com – DIXVILLE NOTCH — It’s midnight in Dixville Notch, ten registered voters, one minute to vote, it’s dark, cold and everyone wore a Mackinaw, though few would tell us what exactly that is.

By 12:05 a.m., the 2012 Presidential race is officially a wicked pissah.

All ten votes were unpredictably cast for Peace and Freedom candidate Roseanne Barr and running mate, Cindy Sheehan.

Dixville Notch is the first-in-the-nation to vote and apparently this election, the first-in-the-nation to make a political statement.

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Like a scene straight from the classic short story The Lottery, voters assembled to carry out the midnight tradition, established in 1960. Voters clutching crotches prior to casting their vote was the first indication of anything out of the ordinary for these typically quite proper New Englanders.

“The hell with the pollstaahs,” yelled out a voter to the two hundred or so gathered press. “Ayuh, wicked hard listenin’ to that bullshite this pahst yeeah, so take youah John
Deeyah and ride it all the way back ta Bahston.”

“Chowdaheads,” grumbled another. The remaining eight voters trudged silently by, caps pulled down tight over ears, gloved hands shoved deep inside pockets.

Reporters were quick to associate voter crotch-grabbing as symbolic allegiance for the presidential nominee, a comedienne famous herself for grabbing her own crotch after screeching out an off-key version of the Star Spangled Banner before a crowd of angry San Diego baseball fans.

Ms. Barr was also quick to thank the voters of Dixville Notch for their support. “I’m grabbing my own crotch in solidarity.”

The Obama and Romney campaigns offered no comment, nor should they have considering this is a non-story and we’re a non-news organization.

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