GlossyNews.com – GlossyNews has learned that the presidential candidates of the two major parties have both decided to concede the election. Partly for reasons unknown, but mostly to spare the American people the frustration of waiting for the results.
Since they had both prepared their speeches in advance and were waiting for Wheel of Fortune to finish, I was able to do a short interview with each of them via SMS text to their cell phones:
RIGHT: Presidential candidate Mitt Romney and Barack Obama both concede while blaming the other. (CLICK PHOTO TO WIDEN AND DE-DISTORT, SLIGHTLY.)
GlossyNews: GovRom, y do u think u dint get d votes u thot u wd?
Romney: D corporations, Barb. Big disappoint. After all d money they poured into my campaign, u wd think they’d at least cast their votes 4 me, but r exit polls show we dint get a single vote from them.
GlossyNews: GovRom, corporations can’t vote.
Romney: Horrible, Barb! We call ourselves a free country & we still hv that kind of discrimination? Obviously a dirty Democrat trick 2 rig d election. Got 2 fix that.
GlossyNews: PresObam, y do u think u dint get d votes u thot u wd?
Obama: D corporations, Barb. They’re disappointed they can’t vote, so they created Hurricane Sandy 2 prevent r supporters from getting 2 d polls. Obviously a dirty Repub trick 2 rig d election.
GlossyNews: How did they create Sandy, Mr. Pres?
Obama: They polluted faster 2 speed up global warming in time 4 d election. & after all d bailout money I gave them & not a dime 4 d voters. U wd think d corporations wd b grateful.
GlossyNews: GovRom, do u think it hurt u 2 say that d federal gov should not b involved in disaster relief, & not 2 answer questions about abolishing FEMA [Federal Emergency Management Agency]?
Romney: Thx 4 getting in touch, Barb. Got 2 go.
GlossyNews: Mr. Pres, do u think it hurt u not 2 close Guantanamo like u promised in ur last campaign?
Obama: Thx 4 getting in touch, Barb. Got 2 go.
On conclusion of my text conversation with the two candidates, I tried the Green Party’s presidential candidate, Dr. Jill Stein.
GlossyNews: DocStein, what r ur plans?
Stein: I’ll take d job, Barb, if d electors want 2 vote me in. They’re not committed 2 d other candidates anymore.
GlossyNews: What makes u think they might?
Stein: It’s a stretch, but if d voters don’t like corporate money, no 1 has less than me. Also, I’m a doctor, & I think Americans prefer a pres that’s like their doc rather than their HMO.