Local Man Ready to Get Out There and Make His Terrible Decision Count

GlossyNews.com – INDIANAPOLIS – After months of bitter debating, hard-line rhetoric and a torrent of political attack ads, local man Peter Hackley insists he is ready to get out there and make his terrible and ill-considered decision count Tuesday.

Basing his moronic and under-researched choice on nothing more than sentiments regurgitated to him by partial news media and talk radio hosts, Mr. Hackley – along with approximately 70 million other citizens – will commit the utterly profound mistake inside a designated local building at approximately 11:30 on Tuesday morning.

“I made my mind up four goddamn years ago,” said the God-awful decision-maker. “This country cannot put up with another four years. It’s time for a change.”

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“A lot of promises were made, and not one of them was kept,” continued the insufferable cretin, seemingly unaware that his poor judgement and subsequent decision will eventually lead to the rapid downfall of America, the crippling of its economy and the marginalization of minorities. “We’re worse off than we were in 2008.”

Though he has carried out zero research into the many claims that have sprung forth from his mouth over the past 12 months, the close-minded and feeble excuse of a human being still firmly believes that his decision will prove correct, and that anyone making the opposite decision is probably a card-carrying member of the Communist Party.

Mr Hackley’s decision, meanwhile, comes 8 years after what is widely believed to have been the absolute worst decision of the 37-year-old’s life, when he unequivocally stood in favor of the continuation of the Iraq War, the raising of the nation’s deficit and the free-falling slump of the country’s employment levels.

Author: Laurence Brown

Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.

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