Reason 17 I’m Voting Romney: I Like His Hair[Note from the Staff of Glossy News: We proofread the author Tim Jones’ rant below about why he’s switching his vote from Obama to Romney.

We uncovered a few minor errors in his analysis and felt compelled to insert corrections as needed. – the Staff of Glossy News]

I’ve been a lifelong Democrat ever since my grandmother was five years old. I can still remember the very first vote I cast for president – for Millard Fillmore. I just liked the way his name sounded. I later found out Fillmore wasn’t actually on the ballot when I first voted in 1976.

In 2008, I voted for Barack Obama. Like millions of Americans, I was inspired by his vision of Hoes in Chains, or whatever his slogan was. But when I look back on the past four years, it’s clear that Obama is not up to the task of leading our nation for another four years. Let’s look at his track record:

Obamacare: This monstrous piece of healthcare legislation will raise every American’s health insurance rates through the roof. Americans don’t want it and don’t need it. Besides, I feel healthy as a horse. Glossy News Staff correction: Under Obamacare, health insurance premiums have risen at their smallest rate (4%) of the past 40 years. Roughly 32 million previously uninsured Americans will be eligible for coverage. You can’t be turned down for a pre-existing condition, and insurance companies can’t drop you when you get sick. And Tim, you should have that mole checked out.]

Unemployment and the economy: Since Obama took office, the economy has fallen off a cliff. Unemployment soared to more than 9% nationwide. He has failed to pass meaningful jobs legislation. Worst of all, he’s refused to return my calls inquiring about that Secretary of Commerce job opening. [GN Staff: Actually, the nation’s economy is turning around, albeit slowly. The nation has recorded 31 consecutive months of job growth and over 4.5 million new private sector jobs. The stock market has doubled in value since its low point in 2009. And in September, 2012, Senate Republicans blocked the passage of a bi-partisan jobs creation bill for veterans.]

The automotive bailout: Obama almost wrecked the U.S. automotive industry and crushed freedom in America by attempting a socialist government takeover of the U.S. auto industry. He should have let the Detroit car companies fail – or at the very least fired the car salesman who sold me that lemon of a Buick. [GN Staff: The auto bailout is estimated to have saved or added 1.45 million jobs. Unemployment in Michigan is at its lowest level in three years. General Motors is once again the largest car company in the world. At the time, Mitt Romney said he would have let the U.S. car companies go bankrupt.]

• Out-of-control spending: Obama has expanded our government spending to levels never seen before. He has no fiscal responsibility whatsoever. And where the hell is my $50,000 stimulus check? [GN Staff: Actually, the Obama administration has shown the smallest spending increase of any administration since Eisenhower – just 1.4% growth compared to almost 8% under George Bush and almost 9% under Reagan in his first term.]

You have to admit, the man rocks a foppish do. (CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE)
• Failure on other fronts: On top of all these disastrous failures, Obama has made no significant progress on any of the following:

– Solving the European debt crisis

– Removing Iran, North Korea and Pakistan from the face of the Earth

– Landing a man on the sun

– Inventing a way to travel back in time and kill Hitler before he rises to power

– Turning water into wine and feeding five thousand with five loaves of bread

– Getting my daughter into Dartmouth on a full-ride scholarship

– Inducting Pete Rose into the Baseball Hall of Fame

Let’s face it. Obama has done none of these. [GN Staff: Technically, we can’t dispute this point.]

On Fox News, I recently learned Obama wants to turn our nation into a giant socialist commune in which nobody works and nobody pays taxes except oil companies. I saw a video in which Romney explained that 47% of Americans are lazy, irresponsible parasites who eat bonbons and feel entitled to lavish government handouts like food and clean water. [GN Staff: These lazy parasites include freeloaders like disabled Iraq war veterans, government-dependent leeches like fire fighters, policemen and teachers, and gravy train riders like retired senior citizens and displaced blue collar workers.]

But the straw that broke my camel’s back (yes, I own a camel – do you have a problem with that?) was a shocking, recently released photo showing Obama attempting to fondle two defenseless, innocent young girls. [GN Staff: But aren’t those his kids? Oh, forget it.]

That’s why I’m voting for Mitt Romney. Okay, so maybe he flip flopped once or twice on a couple of minor topics [GN Staff: Like healthcare, the 2008 economic stimulus, immigration reform, abortion rights, the automotive bailout, global warming, banning assault weapons…– abridged due to space limitations].

Maybe Mitt hasn’t gotten around to revealing any specifics about his plans to reduce the debt. He’s a very busy man. Don’t rush him. And I’m sure the only reason he’s not released his tax returns is because he doesn’t like to flaunt his business success. He’s a modest man. Thanks to Mitt, I now know that almost half of Americans are ungrateful moochers who want to eat my hard-earned food and sleep on my porch. (He pretty much described my entire family on my mother’s side).

We could do a lot worse than elect Mitt Romney for president. If you don’t believe me, I have two words for you: Martin Van Buren. [GN Staff: Er. that’s three words, not two.]

So I’ve decided to back Willard Mitt Romney for president – mainly because I just like way his name sounds. And I’ll be casting my vote for Mitt on Election Day this November 11th. [GN Staff: Should we correct him? Nah.]

By Tim Jones – Vote for Mitt. He’s the Right Man to Bring Our Nation Back – to the mid-19th Century.

Author: Tim Jones

Tim Jones is a free lance humor writer based in Seattle, Washington and author of the humor blog View from the Bleachers . net. Tim is not afraid to tackle controversial issues head on. From Politics to Parenting to Pop culture, if the subject begins with the letter P, Tim has something profound(ly meaningless) to say about it.

3 thoughts on “Reason 17 I’m Voting Romney: I Like His Hair

  1. Yeah, that's crazy. Voting for someone based on a superficial thing like hair. You know, it'd be as if we elected a completely unqualified man over a very qualified lady and a very qualified man just because of his skin color, right? Man, that'd be NUTS!

  2. I agree with you, but I'd go one step further… he doesn't just sound like a dog or a rat, but he is, in fact, a weasel… nothing against him personally, I've had many great friends who were weasels… just that he is one.

  3. His name sort of sound's like a dog's name–Mitt, I mean, after all, his first name Willard sounds like a rat's name, much like Mitt, a dirty rat. But don't tell the dogs you voted for Mittens (hey, a cat name!) because at last report Dogs Against Romney have woofed their families awake this morning and are headed to the polls to vote against the "roof racker"!

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